Wednesday, September 7, 2011

I appear fine but my heart is crying inside.

And that's just the way it is. I smile, I laugh, I am pretty much myself. But inside is so very different. But what am I going to do? Walk around sulking all day? Wallow in depression? That's simply not me. I don't really have the capability to do that. I have moments where I shed tears and feel really sad. And I let those moments come as needed. That's usually at night when I'm alone. But otherwise, I look happy. I think that writing is such a great outlet for me though. I think that writing is what helps me be that way. I can write about how shitty I am feeling, get it out of my system and carry on. I don't have to hold anything inside.

Today is Noah's 2nd birthday. We would be in Michigan right now. I told Matt about how I thought it would be fun to take him to the zoo today. Just the three of us. Leave Chloe with someone and enjoy some two-on-one time with Noah. That sounds like bliss right now. I mentioned to him within a month of the accident about how I think sometime we should just take Noah out and leave Chloe with a sitter. I thought it would be nice for him.

This is what I wrote in Noah's birthday card. So that he can look back at it one day.

We love you, Noah. You won't understand this until you're older, but even though Daddy is not here with you today, just know he will always remain in your heart. He is wishing you a Happy Birthday from Heaven & he will ALWAYS love you. Love, Mom

Anyway, I might have to start listening to music in the car again. At least when I'm alone. Then I can get more crying time in, hah.

I feel like when I'm doing things, it takes me so long because I end up just staring off into space, thinking. I am so distracted in everything I do. It's kind of annoying but I'm just going to have to let it roll.

"Finally draw your strength from the Lord and from his mighty power." Ephesians 6:10

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