Monday, September 19, 2011

General Update

I have officially moved in to my permanent residence. Well, permanent until we all move back to Rockford. I have also officially made the decision not to go back to work. I am going to focus all my efforts on school and my kids. My depression over moving back to Michigan has subsided. I was right. It was j ust an initial reaction. I feel better being here. And I know it's what Matt would want. It's what I told him I would do if he died. I am still sad over having lost our home after already losing my husband but I know it was the right choice.

I have trouble recalling what I've already written so this might be repetitive. I oftentimes wonder if Noah understands that Daddy is never coming back. I think he does. When we went to the cemetery last week, he picked a dandelion and I told him to give it to Daddy. He set it on Matt's grave. He also kisses his pictures. He picked up a small photo frame last night that contains a photo from our engagement session and he brought it over and laid it next to me.

Now that I've made the decision not to go back to work and now that I'm settled in to our new home, my next step is to apply to GRCC and GLEMSA. I hope to begin this winter, in the new year. That seems quite a fitting time to start.

I also need to start searching for a grief counselor here. And some daycare for Noah.

I am doing okay. I almost hate to say that. I don't feel like I should ever be okay after all this. I know I will never be whole again. I just have to make the best of what I have left. Presumably, I have a lot of life ahead of me. I need to make the most of it. For myself and for Matt.

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad to hear you are doing better. And it's okay to feel okay! I didn't know Matt, but I am sure he would want you to find some kind of happiness in your days, even though at times that seems impossible. You don't need to feel guilt about smiling or feeling a little "lighter." Your love for him does not have to be shown by being sad for the rest of your life - he wouldn't want that. Each day will get a little bit easier to feel things other than devastated. Life goes on and you and your children deserve to enjoy it, despite this horrible loss.