I found more Matt mementos at my mom's house. I LOVE finding those treasures. One was a card he gave to me for our anniversary. Another was a poem he wrote. And some other various things, like a strip of pictures from a photo booth and some postcards he sent to me from Steamboat and PCB.
I have been dreaming multiple times about dying. In my dreams, I think I am about to die, I pray it doesn't hurt too badly, and then I end up living. And then I'm slightly disappointed. Like last night, I dreamt I was in a war zone. I was trying to survive and avoid the bad guys but then I kept thinking about how much easier it would be to just show myself, get shot and die. One way or another, I ended up getting shot multiple times and I was just hoping it wouldn't hurt but I felt the impact of bullets. Then I felt my left lung collapse and could hear it and I wondered if I had a broken rib that punctured my lung and would suffer tension pneumothorax like Matt did. But of course, I survived in the end.
I also had a dream a couple nights ago where I found something Matt had written. I can't remember exactly what it said, but it was something about how his biggest fear was that it could all end tomorrow. I thought to myself, "HE was afraid of it all ending tomorrow... and instead it ended for me."
I feel as though I'm sitting among ruins... just looking around in a pile of rubble trying to figure out my next move. I started to work on my resume last night because I miraculously got both children to sleep by 8:15. I don't even know what I'm looking for in terms of a job though. I NEED benefits more than anything, so if the only way to obtain them is to work full-time, then that is my goal. I don't really know what I want to do though. Since I'm pretty much changing my career path entirely, it seems counterproductive to go back to working in the legal field. But it might be the easiest thing for me right now so I will definitely keep my options open. I'm hoping to start school next fall. I've been torn between nursing school and EMS academy so I think I will just do both. I think it would be awesome to be a flight nurse one day.
I have had the kids by myself during the day all week (that's only two days but it feels like forever, lol). I'm not going to lie, it's kind of a nightmare. One person trying to take care of three people does not work out very well. I feel like I can't get anywhere. It's overwhelming.
Matt was always so great about letting me know how he really felt about me. I probably already wrote about this. But we were in the car one day without the kids and he said, "You are my best friend, Steph. Yes, you're my wife and the mother of my kids but, above all those things, you are my best friend." It just makes me realize how important it is to let other people know how you feel. Because you might be gone before you know it and those people will have been glad to hear those things. They will carry your words in their hearts forever.
We went to Matt's grave today. Just to say hi. It is very peaceful and comforting there. I would love to just stay all day. I can't wait to finally have our monument set up but it probably won't happen until after the snow is all melted away. I'm sure it will take time for it to be made and by then the ground will probably be too cold. But it is going to be the most perfect headstone. Presumably, I will be looking at it for many many many years to come so it has to be awesomely perfect. I have been thinking about the design for a long time already. I will be going by the monument company sometime this week to finalize my design.