Thursday, September 22, 2011

I try not to think about the future.

One day at a time is key. When I think about the future, it just puts a number in my head of days, weeks, years... and then I think about how long that is to be without Matt. It's pretty depressing to think of the future. So I try to keep my mind in the past and the present. I caught myself thinking tonight, "Let's say 20 years down the road..." and then I just wanted to erase that thought completely.

I'm starting to notice when my "crying times" are. It's either a.) while I'm driving or b.) while I'm laying in bed. I don't sob uncontrollably. I just softly cry for a matter of minutes. I was laying in bed with Noah tonight, waiting for him to fall asleep. I had my hand up, looking at our wedding rings. Then I just imagined Matt's wedding band on his ring finger. And then I imagined him holding my hand. And then I remembered our little "day date" that we had last Christmas. We went to lunch together and I held his hand walking through downtown Petoskey. We went to a little restaurant called The Twisted Olive. It was sooo yummy. We waited for a table FOREVER because it was packed. But it was worth the wait. We each got a sandwich and traded halves so we could try each other's. I was six months pregnant with Chloe at the time.

I haven't seen him in my dreams since the one where he basically told me that heaven is real... that was at least a week ago. I'll never forget the first dream he came to me two nights after he died and he told me that he was real (his presence in my dream). I miss him and I hope he can make the journey again sometime soon. I want to hug him again. Even if I only have him as a dream character, that's better than nothing at all.

I had to explain to a woman at the bank today my situation. Well, I didn't HAVE to, but I did. Because I still have my NC license so of course that always carries the question, "What brings you to Michigan?" It's a long story! But I almost always tell it. She even asked me what happened after I told her Matt was killed in a car accident. A lot of people don't ask for details. I really don't mind sharing at all, in fact, I like talking about it. I guess it's therapeutic in a way. So I told her... about what happened, how we have two very young kids, how our wedding anniversary is next week... I feel like I'm ruining people's day because they feel so sorry. I know that if someone had told me that happened to them, I would go home and share their story with Matt because it is just so heart wrenching; I would need to tell someone about it! But it is what it is. This time it's not someone else's sad story; it's mine. And the one person I would turn to for support is gone.


  1. Jeremiah 29:11 " 'For I know the plans I have for you,'declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future.'"

    I know it's hard to see anything bright on the horizon... but it's there, waiting for you to greet it.

  2. You are not ruining their day when you tell your story. You make them stop and appreciate the people in their life and they hug them closer that night. Keep sharing!

  3. Oh, steph, I still feel the same if I talk about julia. And my mom does it often as well. And I agree with their last comment.... It sort of gives a reality check, that tomorrow isn't promised.

    Keep talking steph. Keep working through the pieces.... All post for you everyday :)

  4. You have never ruined my day & I check in on you daily through your blog. I find you to be an incredible inspiration of strength & your story of love is amazing. I wish that I had your strength & faith when I was overcome with tragedy 3 long years ago. I pray for you & your sweet babies daily. Keep writing if you find it to be therapeutic. You will be grateful years from now, when these memories have faded, that you documented them so well. You will always be able to revisit all these incredible tid bits of your lives & they will feel fresh once again.