We oftentimes say, "I just wish I could wake up and this would all be a bad dream." It is. It will happen one day. On the day I die, Matt will be there to say, "It was all just a bad dream." It will seem like a very very long time between now and when that happens. But it will happen.
I start each day reading my devotional and accompanying Bible verses before I step out of my car. Then I try to keep God at the forefront of my mind in everything I do. I try to take everything one week at a time... one day at a time is even better. And one task at a time is even better. I try to focus on the exact present because it's what I have control over. My future is taken care of. The present is what I can control. That's all I can control. So that's what I try to do.
Matt has been my greatest inspiration for strength through all of this. He took the event that changed his life - the car accident that almost took his life 11-1/2 years ago - that left him unable to perform all of the basic functions we perform every day - and he powered through it with strength and faith and made that event something for which he was thankful because he allowed it to change his life for the better. And he was only 17. He took his experience and it shaped the wonderful person he was and he grew from it. He was thankful for it. He was able to thank God for a tragedy because it gave him a new appreciation for life.
So rather than letting the details of the car accident and what he was doing that day get in my way of the big picture, I have been trying my hardest to set all that aside and focus on the things that really matter. The things I can control - one of which is being faithful to God and understanding that everything is His. I want to believe that there is hope for a bright future for all of us that Matt left behind. I want to believe that I will be happy again one day like I was with him. I want to believe that someday God will bring me someone with whom I can share my life and who the kids can call "dad". I am growing more each day in my faith and I know what kind of person I want to be. It's a process.
I think about where I was six months ago and look at where I am now... I don't think I imagined I would be doing this well. I hoped I would be doing this well but I didn't think I would be. It's just amazing what God can do.