Saturday, January 7, 2012

Life was perfect.

I'm sure I wouldn't have used the word perfect to describe my life the first half of last year but my definition of perfect has changed. It was perfect. I miss it a lot. I miss Matt a lot. I never imagined life would take me in this direction. I'm sure no one imagines that they will lose everything in one fell swoop like I did. It's really quite a shock and that shock carries on for quite some time. I can't believe it's almost been six months. My point of reference for everything now is July 20, 2011 and time has flown by. I start school on Monday. I'm starting a new chapter. It's a weird feeling. I'm kind of excited... mostly nervous. I'm ready though. I have spent the last four months without a purpose. I know that raising kids is purposeful but it's not very fulfilling to me. I am ready to start doing something. So the change that school will bring is a very welcome change.

Matt came to me in my dream last night and told me he couldn't stay married to me. What is that? Is he trying to tell me that I have to move on? I know that before I have written about Matt being my soul mate and no one else could ever come close... but maybe that's not true. Maybe some people have more than one soul mate. I can't tell if that's a blessing or not. I would be lucky to find two true loves in one lifetime I guess. I don't think that happens to very many people. Regardless, it will be a while before I'm ready to put any of those thoughts into practice. I really need to work through my grief in its entirety and get my life back in order. But I do feel that my kids deserve a father and I deserve to be happy again. Of course it will never be the same and by saying my kids deserve a father - I mean one who is here on earth to be that person for them. Matt will always be their father. And by saying it will never be the same - I don't mean that in a negative way but I could never replace Matt.

Speaking of things I've written before, I have not gone back and read my early posts. I cannot go back and look at those words yet. I'm sure one day I will but probably not anytime soon.

I have been able to watch all of the videos on our camcorder. I'm so thankful I have those to show Noah because a lot of them are Matt talking to Noah. It was so nice to watch those over again. It's nice to hear Matt's voice.

Well, I know there was something else I wanted to write about but I blog in between taking care of the kids and, naturally, I forgot... so it will just have to come back to me another time. These posts are so awkward. Things have been pretty crazy lately. I look forward to school starting so I can finally get back into some sort of routine. Many new things have yet to come my way.

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