Matt came to me in my dream last night and told me he couldn't stay married to me. What is that? Is he trying to tell me that I have to move on? I know that before I have written about Matt being my soul mate and no one else could ever come close... but maybe that's not true. Maybe some people have more than one soul mate. I can't tell if that's a blessing or not. I would be lucky to find two true loves in one lifetime I guess. I don't think that happens to very many people. Regardless, it will be a while before I'm ready to put any of those thoughts into practice. I really need to work through my grief in its entirety and get my life back in order. But I do feel that my kids deserve a father and I deserve to be happy again. Of course it will never be the same and by saying my kids deserve a father - I mean one who is here on earth to be that person for them. Matt will always be their father. And by saying it will never be the same - I don't mean that in a negative way but I could never replace Matt.
Speaking of things I've written before, I have not gone back and read my early posts. I cannot go back and look at those words yet. I'm sure one day I will but probably not anytime soon.
I have been able to watch all of the videos on our camcorder. I'm so thankful I have those to show Noah because a lot of them are Matt talking to Noah. It was so nice to watch those over again. It's nice to hear Matt's voice.
Well, I know there was something else I wanted to write about but I blog in between taking care of the kids and, naturally, I forgot... so it will just have to come back to me another time. These posts are so awkward. Things have been pretty crazy lately. I look forward to school starting so I can finally get back into some sort of routine. Many new things have yet to come my way.