It's permanent

We think Noah is starting to realize... that Daddy is never coming back. He started daycare this week and seems to be having some separation anxiety. He kept crying and repeating this morning, "No dinosaurs, no dinosaurs!" There are dinosaur toys in his classroom and at first, I thought, "Why would he be afraid of dinosaurs? He loves dinosaurs." Tracy said he was playing with them on Monday. Then she pointed out that maybe he is just associating daycare with the dinosaurs and doesn't want to go to daycare. He doesn't want to be left there. However, this morning, his teacher settled him down quite quickly and he was happy to wave goodbye.

Monday was a late night for me - lab until 8:00 - and so Mark and Tracy picked the kids up for me. They got back home and Noah said, "Where's Mommy?"

"At school."

"Where's Daddy?"

"Daddy died."

There is a framed photo collage of Matt displayed in the dining room and Noah said our names; "Mommy, Noah, Daddy" and then said, "Daddy died."

It is so sad.

It's late. I need to go to bed because tomorrow is my up-at-6:00, out-the-door-at-7:00 day (but it's my only class so I have all day to study!). I just wanted to write that while it was still relatively fresh in my mind. This is the stuff that will only progress as Noah gets older.

I have much more to write about regarding a revelation I had at the support group tonight... well maybe not MUCH more. I tend to think I have more to write than I actually end up writing. But still. It's on my list and I don't want to forget.

God Bless