I've had many a thought that would have been good to record here over the last... however long it's been since I've actually taken the time to write something somewhat meaningful. I just never actually made it this far. Today is a miracle! Considering it's been six years exactly since my life took a drastic, unexpected 180-degree turn (literally, geographically-speaking), this may very well work. What do I think about when I think about this day? And, of course, I think about "this" day quite often, as there is absolutely no way I would be where I am right now if Matt hadn't died. I don't mean that in a good way or a bad way. It's just a fact. And, with any unexpected path one's life could take at any given moment, totally out of your control, whether good or bad, the way you lead yourself following such an event (namely, in this case, a tragic one), is totally in your control. I suppose I can say I have mastered that concept over the last six years.
I am at a point in my life where I respect and remember my battle with grief in that I appreciate what losing my husband has given me, but at the same time, I honor what it has also taken away from me. What does that MEAN?! Those two things are really one and the same. I lost my entire life as I knew it when I was 26 years old with two babies. My kids would probably still have their dad today if the events of July 20, 2011 did not take place as they had... but how do we really know that for sure? Basically, it's the classic "what happened happened and there's nothing you can do about it" but in less of a callous sense as that sounds. This is circling back to the fact that there are certain things completely out of our control, some major, some minor... but it's in our power to rebuild and overcome with whatever resources we have. Let me tell you, I had some major resources to work with following our tragedy.
First and foremost, my family and Matt's family and our collective mass of kind-hearted friends and acquaintances kept us all afloat immediately following Matt's death. Matt's co-workers and company as a whole was of tremendous support, as well. Secondly, I used religion (Christianity) as a means to get through such a nightmarish emotional event. It provided for me an immediate way to sort of find a "reason" as to why this happened... and it provided for me the comfort I needed regarding Matt himself during his passage from life into death. Maybe I'll do a post regarding my current views on organized religion. I have some strong ones... but today is not the day for that. Finally, I was and am actually pretty damn fortunate, financially speaking. Not to go into too much detail but I am sure many wonder how in the hell could survive without working for the last six years. Between insurance and social security survivor's benefits, I've been able to accommodate a good life for myself and our kids and take my time with my education. I was accepted into the radiation therapy program, which I begin this fall and which will consume my life for the next two years thereafter. Then I will finally get to start looking for a real career with a real paycheck and feel like less of a piece of poop living solely off of the graces of insurance and the government. 😳😳😳😳
I honor the past, celebrate the present, and anticipate the future. The past is set in stone, the present is a time to live in the moment and be thankful, the future is full of mysteries. I'm good with all of that. ✌
Day three since my husband's death... the day I am ready to start documenting my thoughts. Any thoughts. Random thoughts. Honest thoughts.
Thursday, July 20, 2017
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
Feel everything
I returned to that funeral home yesterday in loving support of a classmate whose life has just been unexpectedly shattered, as mine was, five years ago. I get tears in my eyes just thinking (and “writing”) about this shitshow she has been thrown into without warning; the chaos, the unknown, the lonely darkness that is felt no matter how many people wrap their arms around you in the days and weeks following the loss of half your soul. I wish I could take it all away. We were never close, but I can say for certain that I have never felt empathy to this extent. Despite having walked amidst such a tragedy myself, I still don’t know if I did or said the “right” things. All I know is that I took cues from all the love and kindness that was shown to me in the past and hoped that it provided some comfort, even if only for a minute. I just had not stopped thinking about her and her precious children ever since I saw the news and I am glad that I was able to embrace her and speak with her at the visitation. May they continue to be lifted up and comforted during this excruciating process of mourning. :(
“I hold it true, whate'er befall; I feel it when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all.” -Alfred Tennyson
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
I went to Tucson over NYE and it was fabulous.
Why Tucson?
Well, I have a new boyfriend, that's why. And he lives in Tucson. We met in Michigan, our common factor being Crystal Lake. So that's done. Do I go into what happened with my previous relationship? I kind of feel like maybe that would be helpful, considering I had shared tidbits about it in the past. Here's the thing - I know I had lost myself after my husband died. And then I felt as though the journey to finding my new identity as a single mom of two was a lot LOT shorter than I ever imagined it would be. I credit faith, family, and friends & strangers alike for that. I would say a lot of it had to do with the fact that I was lucky enough to be able to essentially quit life after my husband died. I'm also going to have to give running some credit, too. I've had some of my most insightful epiphanies come to me while I was on a run. Back to the whole "quitting life" thing... I was able to quit my job (save for parenting although I had and still do have a lot of help with that, too - it takes a village!), and leave what used to be my home behind. I just left it all and camped out for a while. That was a lot of time to think and make the decision to go back to school. That's when I started to feel like a functioning human being again. A few more months went by and I was already feeling like my old self again. I had developed feelings for Noah's godfather but I believe those were mistaken emotions rising out of the need to make someone else happy. I certainly didn't see this then like I see it now, but it was logical and convenient for him to be that someone. Granted, the continuation of my new self-discovery occurred through the duration of this relationship and I made some important life changes, like buying my house, which has been super challenging and yet refreshing all at the same time. Those are all good things. But in the end, I felt as though everything was too planned without the passion. It felt mechanical to me. There were parenting conflicts. Romance was next to non-existent. I was just missing things that I realized I truly need in a relationship. And, to be honest, (of course that was a very compact explanation) it was kind of a sudden and unexpected realization for me. There were times here and there over the months (we were together for about 15) where I just didn't feel like I was with the "right" person. I would have trouble envisioning myself in that relationship for the rest of my life. We would talk about marriage from time to time and it seemed so "planned"... and I would always find an excuse to say I wasn't ready. Come to find out, there were quite a few on the outside looking in who also felt he and I were not a perfect match. I will confess that once it was finally over, I felt nothing but relief, freedom and confidence that I made the right decision. I will ALSO confess that there is an extra special someone in my life who (unknowingly at the time) was the figurative "cherry on top" of everything I already had going on in my mind. This person is someone with whom I had always felt an unspoken connection since the day we met (in 2006). Of course, it wasn't always in a romantic kind of way. My soul has simply been drawn to him in a way I have never felt with anyone before. Our personalities just match up so well; we are two of a kind. I can't explain it, but I felt different after he left to go back to Arizona last summer. I could only stand it for about two weeks of nonstop texting and Snapchatting before I impulsively and drunkenly (wine tasting) confessed everything to him. I had wanted to express everything to my then-boyfriend before I confessed to my now-boyfriend...
but wine tasting.
He knew nothing of what I was feeling for him and so my "confession" completely shocked him. I was out of town and not returning home until the following night so I sat with anxiety so intense I felt sick all of that Sunday, leading up to the point where I got home and broke up with my boyfriend. It wasn't an easy thing to do, of course, but I knew it was the right thing to do. I felt like I was settling in that relationship. I needed to be happy, too, and I wasn't. I am happier than ever now. This man is so expressive, spontaneous, curious, adventurous, open-minded, creative, romantic, confident, patient, communicative, complimentary, funny and much, much more.
I felt it was time I come clean since it has been five months so there it is!
Until next time...(whenever that may be)...
Well, I have a new boyfriend, that's why. And he lives in Tucson. We met in Michigan, our common factor being Crystal Lake. So that's done. Do I go into what happened with my previous relationship? I kind of feel like maybe that would be helpful, considering I had shared tidbits about it in the past. Here's the thing - I know I had lost myself after my husband died. And then I felt as though the journey to finding my new identity as a single mom of two was a lot LOT shorter than I ever imagined it would be. I credit faith, family, and friends & strangers alike for that. I would say a lot of it had to do with the fact that I was lucky enough to be able to essentially quit life after my husband died. I'm also going to have to give running some credit, too. I've had some of my most insightful epiphanies come to me while I was on a run. Back to the whole "quitting life" thing... I was able to quit my job (save for parenting although I had and still do have a lot of help with that, too - it takes a village!), and leave what used to be my home behind. I just left it all and camped out for a while. That was a lot of time to think and make the decision to go back to school. That's when I started to feel like a functioning human being again. A few more months went by and I was already feeling like my old self again. I had developed feelings for Noah's godfather but I believe those were mistaken emotions rising out of the need to make someone else happy. I certainly didn't see this then like I see it now, but it was logical and convenient for him to be that someone. Granted, the continuation of my new self-discovery occurred through the duration of this relationship and I made some important life changes, like buying my house, which has been super challenging and yet refreshing all at the same time. Those are all good things. But in the end, I felt as though everything was too planned without the passion. It felt mechanical to me. There were parenting conflicts. Romance was next to non-existent. I was just missing things that I realized I truly need in a relationship. And, to be honest, (of course that was a very compact explanation) it was kind of a sudden and unexpected realization for me. There were times here and there over the months (we were together for about 15) where I just didn't feel like I was with the "right" person. I would have trouble envisioning myself in that relationship for the rest of my life. We would talk about marriage from time to time and it seemed so "planned"... and I would always find an excuse to say I wasn't ready. Come to find out, there were quite a few on the outside looking in who also felt he and I were not a perfect match. I will confess that once it was finally over, I felt nothing but relief, freedom and confidence that I made the right decision. I will ALSO confess that there is an extra special someone in my life who (unknowingly at the time) was the figurative "cherry on top" of everything I already had going on in my mind. This person is someone with whom I had always felt an unspoken connection since the day we met (in 2006). Of course, it wasn't always in a romantic kind of way. My soul has simply been drawn to him in a way I have never felt with anyone before. Our personalities just match up so well; we are two of a kind. I can't explain it, but I felt different after he left to go back to Arizona last summer. I could only stand it for about two weeks of nonstop texting and Snapchatting before I impulsively and drunkenly (wine tasting) confessed everything to him. I had wanted to express everything to my then-boyfriend before I confessed to my now-boyfriend...
but wine tasting.
He knew nothing of what I was feeling for him and so my "confession" completely shocked him. I was out of town and not returning home until the following night so I sat with anxiety so intense I felt sick all of that Sunday, leading up to the point where I got home and broke up with my boyfriend. It wasn't an easy thing to do, of course, but I knew it was the right thing to do. I felt like I was settling in that relationship. I needed to be happy, too, and I wasn't. I am happier than ever now. This man is so expressive, spontaneous, curious, adventurous, open-minded, creative, romantic, confident, patient, communicative, complimentary, funny and much, much more.
I felt it was time I come clean since it has been five months so there it is!
Until next time...(whenever that may be)...
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
A good example
Bringing up the fact that I am a widow in a normal conversation isn't that much of a struggle anymore. I used to despise it for the sheer fact that I didn't want to make the other person feel bad. Now, it has become a normal part of who I am and if I'm having a casual conversation that might lead in the direction of marriage, husband, what-have-you... I can mention it with ease. Of course, the reactions don't change but I think I have become better able to handle them without feeling like I am ruining their day. No, it's not ruining their day. I hope to be a good example of overcoming tragedy. That's what it is. And lately, that's become more and more how I feel. Not a sad story, but a good example. That's what I hope to be. No matter how distant I drift from the day my husband died, I want to always remember and respect everything I went through from day one until the present. I am coming up on two years now. This Saturday will be the two-year anniversary of Matt's death. My boyfriend, the kids, and I will head up to Crystal Lake to be with the family and enjoy life. I anticipate it being a good weekend.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
It's safe to say I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life.
I've been in off-and-on crisis mode for a few months now. I'm not sure if nursing school is for me right NOW. I think that completing my rigorous two-week CNA certification course next month will help give me a better idea. I struggle to perform up to my standards with everything else I have going on right now but everything else I have going on isn't something I'm willing to give up so the question remains... can I handle a nursing school curriculum on top of it all?
The bottom line is, I'm in no rush. I have also checked out Allied Health and Therapeutic Recreation, both of which would require significantly more time in school but if I'm going to start working... at some point (as a CNA or PCT)... I will be satisfied with that. Nursing is not completely out of the question though. I'm just trying to think about all my options here. Not stressful at all!
I never re-hashed my Grand Canyon hiking experience on here. It was amazing! My boyfriend was the perfect person with whom to share such an experience, too. After all, it was for his 30th birthday but I love that he is adventurous and outdoorsy. I can't exactly describe myself as "outdoorsy" but adventurous certainly fits my personality. I also adapt to change well and obviously that characteristic has served me serendipitously (Google says it's a word) in the last 21 months.
Did I ever share our love story? I probably didn't. I was so hesitant about "voicing" what seemed to be a "crush" only 10 months after losing my husband; let alone, allow myself to nurture those feelings in the first place. Here we are, almost one year later. I was sure to keep my eyes and mind open to "signs", if you will, that my heart was in the right place. As it turns out, it was. I knew how fragile this relationship was; to take a very important friend in your life and cross over to a romance... danger danger! Once that line is crossed, there is no going back. I was especially scared not only for my sake, but for Noah and Chloe's sake for Matthew was and is an incredibly important father figure in their lives. I can be a very impulsive person so to let these emotions simply swim around in my head for a WEEK was torture. What if he started dating someone? What if he WAS dating someone and I was clueless (he was very private about that kind of thing)? Actually, I remember telling my therapist that had I known he was in a relationship (IF he was in a relationship), it would have made things a whole lot easier on me because I was having my own complex about it not even having a been a year since my husband died. An easy reason to walk away? Yes, please! Not to mention the delicacy of our friendship, as mentioned earlier.
I have to continue this story at another time... unfortunately, I have things to do today. Like, an eight-mile run if it ever stops raining. I was lucky to get four miles in yesterday in between rain showers. I am running my second half marathon on Saturday! I also need to get down to the tax office (where Matt works) to sign my documents and bring him lunch. :) This story WILL be finished... eventually.
The bottom line is, I'm in no rush. I have also checked out Allied Health and Therapeutic Recreation, both of which would require significantly more time in school but if I'm going to start working... at some point (as a CNA or PCT)... I will be satisfied with that. Nursing is not completely out of the question though. I'm just trying to think about all my options here. Not stressful at all!
I never re-hashed my Grand Canyon hiking experience on here. It was amazing! My boyfriend was the perfect person with whom to share such an experience, too. After all, it was for his 30th birthday but I love that he is adventurous and outdoorsy. I can't exactly describe myself as "outdoorsy" but adventurous certainly fits my personality. I also adapt to change well and obviously that characteristic has served me serendipitously (Google says it's a word) in the last 21 months.
Did I ever share our love story? I probably didn't. I was so hesitant about "voicing" what seemed to be a "crush" only 10 months after losing my husband; let alone, allow myself to nurture those feelings in the first place. Here we are, almost one year later. I was sure to keep my eyes and mind open to "signs", if you will, that my heart was in the right place. As it turns out, it was. I knew how fragile this relationship was; to take a very important friend in your life and cross over to a romance... danger danger! Once that line is crossed, there is no going back. I was especially scared not only for my sake, but for Noah and Chloe's sake for Matthew was and is an incredibly important father figure in their lives. I can be a very impulsive person so to let these emotions simply swim around in my head for a WEEK was torture. What if he started dating someone? What if he WAS dating someone and I was clueless (he was very private about that kind of thing)? Actually, I remember telling my therapist that had I known he was in a relationship (IF he was in a relationship), it would have made things a whole lot easier on me because I was having my own complex about it not even having a been a year since my husband died. An easy reason to walk away? Yes, please! Not to mention the delicacy of our friendship, as mentioned earlier.
I have to continue this story at another time... unfortunately, I have things to do today. Like, an eight-mile run if it ever stops raining. I was lucky to get four miles in yesterday in between rain showers. I am running my second half marathon on Saturday! I also need to get down to the tax office (where Matt works) to sign my documents and bring him lunch. :) This story WILL be finished... eventually.
Friday, February 15, 2013
It was a good day. I started out Valentine's Day with Noah's party at his daycare. That was relatively fun. He's at the age now where fun things like this become somewhat more interactive. They passed out their Valentines to all their little friends, decorated cookies (and ate them) and... that was pretty much it. Still fun. :) I love how excited Noah gets about fun little holidays like Valentine's Day.
Then I had a dentist appointment... no cavities so that's always a plus. Especially considering I don't have dental insurance. I finally made an appointment for Noah to go with me at my next checkup and then he will have his teeth cleaned. The appointment isn't until August so I think by then, he will be okay. I think even now if he were to go to the dentist he would do fine.
I was starving by the time I was finished at the dentist so I thought I would treat myself to something special (the boyfriend was working all day). I felt guilty at the thought of getting some fabulous Thai food at this restaurant we both love in East Grand Rapids... without getting some for him, as well. I thought Valentine's Day is all about doing awkward things. SO I picked some food up for both of us and went to bring it to him at his office... and waited... and waited... and waited some more. I knew he had clients through the lunch hour and then finally he was finished. I devoted my time to deliver lunch to my pseudo-hubby after his super busy day. Complete with a sarcastic/cheesy Valentine's Day card. Couldn't help myself.
I thought I would for sure bring some flowers to my late husband's grave and say a prayer, meditate, etc. But I ended up not having time. We invited my mom over for dinner and Chloe's classroom party was at 4:00 so I went straight back to the daycare from the boyfriend's office. There are just not enough hours in the day. I would like to start updating my blog more, as well. It's something I think about often.
Speaking of the blog, I have been contemplating changing the "aura" of it. When I started this blog, it was an outlet for me. A place to express my deepest emotions following the loss of my husband. It wasn't only for myself, but for anyone else who might be experiencing a loss of their own. I am so far beyond that point in my life that I've been thinking about changing it ever so slightly to focus more on life after loss. I would like it to circulate more around the idea that normal life after losing your other half IS possible... and maybe every now and then reminisce about those dark days and share what helped me through it. I think about July 20, 2011 almost every day, if not every day, and although it was such a heartwrenching day, it was also such a pivotal time in my life. It's just amazing how everything... every blessing, every tragedy, every challenge, every accomplishment... has brought me to where I am at this very moment and I wouldn't change a thing about it. God is good.
Then I had a dentist appointment... no cavities so that's always a plus. Especially considering I don't have dental insurance. I finally made an appointment for Noah to go with me at my next checkup and then he will have his teeth cleaned. The appointment isn't until August so I think by then, he will be okay. I think even now if he were to go to the dentist he would do fine.
I was starving by the time I was finished at the dentist so I thought I would treat myself to something special (the boyfriend was working all day). I felt guilty at the thought of getting some fabulous Thai food at this restaurant we both love in East Grand Rapids... without getting some for him, as well. I thought Valentine's Day is all about doing awkward things. SO I picked some food up for both of us and went to bring it to him at his office... and waited... and waited... and waited some more. I knew he had clients through the lunch hour and then finally he was finished. I devoted my time to deliver lunch to my pseudo-hubby after his super busy day. Complete with a sarcastic/cheesy Valentine's Day card. Couldn't help myself.
I thought I would for sure bring some flowers to my late husband's grave and say a prayer, meditate, etc. But I ended up not having time. We invited my mom over for dinner and Chloe's classroom party was at 4:00 so I went straight back to the daycare from the boyfriend's office. There are just not enough hours in the day. I would like to start updating my blog more, as well. It's something I think about often.
Speaking of the blog, I have been contemplating changing the "aura" of it. When I started this blog, it was an outlet for me. A place to express my deepest emotions following the loss of my husband. It wasn't only for myself, but for anyone else who might be experiencing a loss of their own. I am so far beyond that point in my life that I've been thinking about changing it ever so slightly to focus more on life after loss. I would like it to circulate more around the idea that normal life after losing your other half IS possible... and maybe every now and then reminisce about those dark days and share what helped me through it. I think about July 20, 2011 almost every day, if not every day, and although it was such a heartwrenching day, it was also such a pivotal time in my life. It's just amazing how everything... every blessing, every tragedy, every challenge, every accomplishment... has brought me to where I am at this very moment and I wouldn't change a thing about it. God is good.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
hey there.
I thought I would make an entry on a whim. I think about writing often, but to actually do it... well, I haven't been so great at that part.
I started a new semester at Grand Valley. In fact, it's my LAST semester before I apply to the nursing program. If, of course, I'm eligible or they waive my overall GPA requirement. My grades last semester weren't ideal but I got a B+ in anatomy & physiology II and that was a pleasant surprise (it's not my strong point). I really wanted at least an A- in microbiology but the last unit proved to be my weak point so my would-be A turned into a B+. Genetics was disappointing since my professor sucked (there's no better way to put it) so I ended up with a B- in that class which I don' believe is an accurate representation. If I could re-take any class, it would be that one (with a different professor, of course).
I'm going back to Gilda's Club as a volunteer! Since I am only taking two classes this semester (although they are difficult), I want to start actually doing something again. I think I am also going to attend Walker Medical to get CNA certified this summer.
I'm turning 28 this year which is weird because I will then be older than my husband was when he died. He would be celebrating his 30th this July. However, my boyfriend will be celebrating his 30th in March, conveniently over my spring break, so we will be doing so in the Grand Canyon! Life is short, right? I told him we could go anywhere for his birthday and Grand Canyon it is. We are so excited to go hiking there and I have a special activity planned on the day of his birthday (which is actually a series of activities). It is going to be amazing. The only difficult thing will be leaving the kids behind for five days. I haven't been apart from them for more than two nights in a row. I hate to wish away their "toddlerhood", but I look forward to being able to take them with us on vacations like this once they are a few years older.
We are all moved into our new house, now it's just going to be a matter of (a long) time before everything has been settled and organized. We are still waiting on our couches and I want those before I start to buy other things. It's a slow process. I also want work done in the basement... put in a full bathroom and finish the playroom/guest room. I hope to get that going soon (I'm obviously not DIYing that).
Well, I need to run some errands today and get some study time in so unfortunately this has to be short and sweet. Overall, life is good and I never could have imagined it as such a year ago! I'm so blessed.
I started a new semester at Grand Valley. In fact, it's my LAST semester before I apply to the nursing program. If, of course, I'm eligible or they waive my overall GPA requirement. My grades last semester weren't ideal but I got a B+ in anatomy & physiology II and that was a pleasant surprise (it's not my strong point). I really wanted at least an A- in microbiology but the last unit proved to be my weak point so my would-be A turned into a B+. Genetics was disappointing since my professor sucked (there's no better way to put it) so I ended up with a B- in that class which I don' believe is an accurate representation. If I could re-take any class, it would be that one (with a different professor, of course).
I'm going back to Gilda's Club as a volunteer! Since I am only taking two classes this semester (although they are difficult), I want to start actually doing something again. I think I am also going to attend Walker Medical to get CNA certified this summer.
I'm turning 28 this year which is weird because I will then be older than my husband was when he died. He would be celebrating his 30th this July. However, my boyfriend will be celebrating his 30th in March, conveniently over my spring break, so we will be doing so in the Grand Canyon! Life is short, right? I told him we could go anywhere for his birthday and Grand Canyon it is. We are so excited to go hiking there and I have a special activity planned on the day of his birthday (which is actually a series of activities). It is going to be amazing. The only difficult thing will be leaving the kids behind for five days. I haven't been apart from them for more than two nights in a row. I hate to wish away their "toddlerhood", but I look forward to being able to take them with us on vacations like this once they are a few years older.
We are all moved into our new house, now it's just going to be a matter of (a long) time before everything has been settled and organized. We are still waiting on our couches and I want those before I start to buy other things. It's a slow process. I also want work done in the basement... put in a full bathroom and finish the playroom/guest room. I hope to get that going soon (I'm obviously not DIYing that).
Well, I need to run some errands today and get some study time in so unfortunately this has to be short and sweet. Overall, life is good and I never could have imagined it as such a year ago! I'm so blessed.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Over a month?? :(
I can't believe it's been that long since I last wrote. I bought a house! And closing Monday afternoon. I am ecstatic. I'm drawing a blank as to what else to say... school is coming to a close so finals are on my mind and it's sucking the life out of me. I'm literally going to copy and paste from an email I sent to my support group leader a couple days ago, lol.
Life has been treating me well but also keeping me very busy! I am so excited and so ready to get back into a house that I can finally call home again. I am just really looking forward to getting into a more regular routine with the kids and settling into a permanent dwelling! Poor little Chloe has never lived in the same place for longer than six months. It will be so awesome to have that "little family of four" feeling again, probably the best Christmas gift I could ask for, really. It has ONLY been 17 months since Matt died but at the same time, it has been such a long road to this point and I am READY.
Something else I was thinking of today is in regards to my fabulous relationship. I would like to start out by saying that the pivotal date of my lifetime, July 20, 2011, and the events that followed soon thereafter, left me with deeply rooted emotions that I will never forget. They occasionally creep back to me and it's not a bad thing, but they definitely leave me with sort of an empty, hollow, sad feeling. I allow myself to feel these emotions, get teary eyed, whatever... and they eventually subside until next time. How this relates to my boyfriend... well, obviously he was present for everything back in July of 2011, too, and is just as affected by it as I am. When I get these sad feelings, I am also so THANKFUL that I am with someone who knows exactly what they are. I am blessed to be with someone who knew my husband as well as I did. The next thing I think about is actually quite depressing and I try not to think about it often but I can't help but think about it... probably more often than I should - losing him, too. Maybe I'm even a little paranoid about it. Sometimes I think if I can go through it once, I can go through it again and other times I think it will probably be something that hits me even worse than the first time. Either way, it's just something that I expect to happen sooner or later and I wish I didn't think about it but I do. Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe not. Maybe it gives me a good but morbid perspective on life. Whatever it is... it's there.
Like I said, my brain is in academic overload so I can't even think of a conclusion. Well, I seldom think of a smooth transition to a conclusion but today my excuse is finals next week. Good luck to me!
Until next time...
Life has been treating me well but also keeping me very busy! I am so excited and so ready to get back into a house that I can finally call home again. I am just really looking forward to getting into a more regular routine with the kids and settling into a permanent dwelling! Poor little Chloe has never lived in the same place for longer than six months. It will be so awesome to have that "little family of four" feeling again, probably the best Christmas gift I could ask for, really. It has ONLY been 17 months since Matt died but at the same time, it has been such a long road to this point and I am READY.
Something else I was thinking of today is in regards to my fabulous relationship. I would like to start out by saying that the pivotal date of my lifetime, July 20, 2011, and the events that followed soon thereafter, left me with deeply rooted emotions that I will never forget. They occasionally creep back to me and it's not a bad thing, but they definitely leave me with sort of an empty, hollow, sad feeling. I allow myself to feel these emotions, get teary eyed, whatever... and they eventually subside until next time. How this relates to my boyfriend... well, obviously he was present for everything back in July of 2011, too, and is just as affected by it as I am. When I get these sad feelings, I am also so THANKFUL that I am with someone who knows exactly what they are. I am blessed to be with someone who knew my husband as well as I did. The next thing I think about is actually quite depressing and I try not to think about it often but I can't help but think about it... probably more often than I should - losing him, too. Maybe I'm even a little paranoid about it. Sometimes I think if I can go through it once, I can go through it again and other times I think it will probably be something that hits me even worse than the first time. Either way, it's just something that I expect to happen sooner or later and I wish I didn't think about it but I do. Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe not. Maybe it gives me a good but morbid perspective on life. Whatever it is... it's there.
Like I said, my brain is in academic overload so I can't even think of a conclusion. Well, I seldom think of a smooth transition to a conclusion but today my excuse is finals next week. Good luck to me!
Until next time...
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Times they are a'changing
Here I am! Feeling like my old self again, with some minor adjustments, of course. Things have been quite hectic, hence the lack of blog posts. I think about writing every day but actually getting (making) the time to do so requires some effort. I'm not going to lie, I like to lay in bed every night with my boo-bear and watch Breaking Bad on Netflix or
Where to start...
School. Oh yeah, that plan is taking a bit of a turn for the lengthy. My problem is that I screwed around when I went to college straight out of high school and ended up with a (as it turns out) less than desirable GPA. I have been doing well since returning but that "overall" GPA is keeping me from being eligible to even apply to the college of nursing this year. I had to write a letter to the admissions committee asking them to waive the overall GPA requirement. They denied it. They want to see how I finish up this year and then I am to apply for the same waiver again next year (so even next year isn't a guarantee). It sucks but I have learned that everything happens for a reason.
My plan for next summer is to go to a local "trade" school, if you will, and become a nurse technician. That way I can at least get some experience under my belt and make some extra cash, not to mention, utilize my time... until I can find a way into a nursing school somewhere (preferably here, obviously). Actually, it has to be here because I'm not moving.
Oh, speaking of moving... I am house hunting now, too. I am ready to be on my own. Well, I wont' be completely on my own. I know single mothers do it all the time but I don't see why I would live alone when I have a perfectly great boyfriend with whom to live. :) That might sound a little crazy to some but remember, this is someone who I considered to be a good friend for a very long time; my husband's best friend no less... someone who was there for me and the kids - to help fill that void that was left after Matt died. Noah's Godfather... an amazing man who keeps me laughing all the time... at this point in my life... after having been married once already... on the wrong side of 25 (that's just a joke)... I know what I want in a man and he is it. I am extremely lucky.
So it's time. I started house hunting last Friday and it went well. We have zeroed in on one particular house that we really really like with a superb floorplan in a beautiful neighborhood... and I'm paranoid that it's going to sell before our second showing on Wednesday. :-/ I try not to get too excited over it.
Running. It has been treating me very well. In fact, I ran my first half marathon today; the halfie that I've been training for since March! My sister-in-law and I ran it together (it was her idea to begin with) and we finished 13.1 miles in 2 hours and 17 seconds. It felt very rewarding to cross that finish line knowing that that moment symbolized everything I had gone through in the last 15 months. All the pain, all the heartache, all the unwelcome change... running was a great outlet during my healing process. And this is what it has become - such a feeling of victory and accomplishment! All from a little 13 mile run.
We ran the halfie carrying roses for Matthew with the intention of putting them on his grave but I kind of forgot about that last part today. But the important part was carried out! We knew he was there with us, cheering us on, when we heard a Michael Jackson song come on at one of the aid stations between miles 9 and 10.
Life is good.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
It was one year ago today that I got back.
Today not only marks a day where thousands of families got torn apart due to the devastating 9/11 attacks, but also the day I moved back to Michigan, officially. So it has now been a year since I have seen North Carolina.
When I was reflecting upon 9/11 this morning, my heart went out to all the wives who lost their husbands and children who lost their fathers. Of course, it hurts for everyone who lost a family member but I spent a little more time thinking about those who are in our shoes. I wonder how they are doing today. I hope they have found happiness and contentment, like they never thought possible. From my personal experience, it is quite amazing how much brighter and how much more special everyday things are to me now than they were before. I hope anyone who goes through such a tragedy comes out of it feeling blessed in the long run, no matter how much time it may take.
My professor pointed out that most of the people in my class were in elementary school when this happened. Wow! I pointed that out to Matthew and he laughed because, while I was in high school, he was actually in college.
Side note: I hope it doesn't become confusing between talking about my husband Matt and my boyfriend Matt... although I am sure the context makes it pretty obvious but I recognize that it may take a minute sometimes. :P
I think about this blog often. I think about how much healing it brought me by enabling me to write out my emotions and share them with anyone who cared to have a read. It is apparent that my entries are becoming more sporadic these days. Life is becoming normal. School is making this a long transition process but my plan is falling into place nicely... even though I am somewhat impatient.
I have been training for that half marathon I know I talked about before. I was supposed to do a 10 mile training run tomorrow but I feel an injury in progress if I don't take it easy this week. So I will have to postpone it until next week. Running has been another outlet for me in my healing process. It's a great opportunity to zone out, think about life, and abuse myself a little bit. ;) The longest run I have done so far is 8 miles and that was a good run so I hope this minor setback doesn't throw me off too much.
My entries will become more lighthearted and superficial but I plan on continuing to keep this blog. It won't always be super emotional and heartfelt like it was a year ago but I suppose that's a good sign. Like, I said, I am finding a new normal and things are going pretty well!
When I was reflecting upon 9/11 this morning, my heart went out to all the wives who lost their husbands and children who lost their fathers. Of course, it hurts for everyone who lost a family member but I spent a little more time thinking about those who are in our shoes. I wonder how they are doing today. I hope they have found happiness and contentment, like they never thought possible. From my personal experience, it is quite amazing how much brighter and how much more special everyday things are to me now than they were before. I hope anyone who goes through such a tragedy comes out of it feeling blessed in the long run, no matter how much time it may take.
My professor pointed out that most of the people in my class were in elementary school when this happened. Wow! I pointed that out to Matthew and he laughed because, while I was in high school, he was actually in college.
Side note: I hope it doesn't become confusing between talking about my husband Matt and my boyfriend Matt... although I am sure the context makes it pretty obvious but I recognize that it may take a minute sometimes. :P
I think about this blog often. I think about how much healing it brought me by enabling me to write out my emotions and share them with anyone who cared to have a read. It is apparent that my entries are becoming more sporadic these days. Life is becoming normal. School is making this a long transition process but my plan is falling into place nicely... even though I am somewhat impatient.
I have been training for that half marathon I know I talked about before. I was supposed to do a 10 mile training run tomorrow but I feel an injury in progress if I don't take it easy this week. So I will have to postpone it until next week. Running has been another outlet for me in my healing process. It's a great opportunity to zone out, think about life, and abuse myself a little bit. ;) The longest run I have done so far is 8 miles and that was a good run so I hope this minor setback doesn't throw me off too much.
My entries will become more lighthearted and superficial but I plan on continuing to keep this blog. It won't always be super emotional and heartfelt like it was a year ago but I suppose that's a good sign. Like, I said, I am finding a new normal and things are going pretty well!
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
And so it begins... again
School! I am just going to dismiss the fact that I took summer classes and consider this Round #2. Me + summer classes = never again. In fact, I may... certainly... re-take organic chem. As for keeping my B in anatomy 1, that's yet to be decided. I need to meet with my academic adviser pretty soon.
Right now I am taking microbiology, genetics and anatomy 2. Micro and genetics seem like they are going to go well. I like my professors in those. I have anatomy 2 for the first time today at 4:00 and that is the class for which I am most scared! I barely survived anatomy 1... but at least this time there is no lab requirement for me.
My study schedule is supreme. I have all day Monday, Wednesday and Friday (well, I will try to work ahead to allow myself a little break-ski on Fridays) to study. Then I have from 10am-4pm to study on Tuesdays and Thursdays. This no lab thing is already feeling pretty nice.
The kids are doing great. Noah is going to turn three next Friday, the 7th! Which means Chloe is nearing the year and a half mark. As long as I keep them busy... it's not too bad wrangling them on my own. So I am going to try to plan for walks, parks, bike rides... etc. every day after daycare while the weather is still nice. Once the snow comes, I will have to brainstorm for some indoor activities!
I moved back with my in-laws who bought a house in our hometown earlier this month. It is relatively close to the highway and has ample space for us (and my things, lol... mostly clothes). It is nice to have a shorter commute out to Grand Valley every day.
My "budding romance" is superb. Not sure why I just called it that but either way... things are great. :) He is so considerate, adventurous, fun, funNY, easygoing, handles the kids as well as possible, and is caring and affectionate. I love spending time with him and I feel that things shall continue to go very well for us in the future.
Right now I am taking microbiology, genetics and anatomy 2. Micro and genetics seem like they are going to go well. I like my professors in those. I have anatomy 2 for the first time today at 4:00 and that is the class for which I am most scared! I barely survived anatomy 1... but at least this time there is no lab requirement for me.
My study schedule is supreme. I have all day Monday, Wednesday and Friday (well, I will try to work ahead to allow myself a little break-ski on Fridays) to study. Then I have from 10am-4pm to study on Tuesdays and Thursdays. This no lab thing is already feeling pretty nice.
The kids are doing great. Noah is going to turn three next Friday, the 7th! Which means Chloe is nearing the year and a half mark. As long as I keep them busy... it's not too bad wrangling them on my own. So I am going to try to plan for walks, parks, bike rides... etc. every day after daycare while the weather is still nice. Once the snow comes, I will have to brainstorm for some indoor activities!
I moved back with my in-laws who bought a house in our hometown earlier this month. It is relatively close to the highway and has ample space for us (and my things, lol... mostly clothes). It is nice to have a shorter commute out to Grand Valley every day.
My "budding romance" is superb. Not sure why I just called it that but either way... things are great. :) He is so considerate, adventurous, fun, funNY, easygoing, handles the kids as well as possible, and is caring and affectionate. I love spending time with him and I feel that things shall continue to go very well for us in the future.
Monday, August 20, 2012
It's so distant!
That life I once had... seems so far away. I have flashbacks every day of the little things. Just the way Matt looked at me, the way he talked, how he felt when he hugged me. It is hard to hold onto all those little things. My worst fear was forgetting. But I imagine it's hard not to forget those things after this much time has passed. I still can't believe I haven't seen him in over a year. Well, 13 months today to be exact. In fact, right about now was the time I was stepping out of my office building to face everything that my new life would bring without Matt.
I was thinking about how precious life is during my eight-mile run today. I was just appreciating it. I was thinking about all the things that can be accomplished in one lifetime. And all the things that can't when it's cut short. I hope that Matt knows he lives in my heart every single day and that I carry him with me everywhere I go.
I was thinking about how precious life is during my eight-mile run today. I was just appreciating it. I was thinking about all the things that can be accomplished in one lifetime. And all the things that can't when it's cut short. I hope that Matt knows he lives in my heart every single day and that I carry him with me everywhere I go.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Okay, seriously, I am going to write.
I have some time between my chem exam (death sentence) and lab (bo-ring!) so here I am. I meant to write on the one-year anniversary... it ended up being a very busy day; it didn't go at all how I originally planned.
As soon as I published my last post, the daycare called me to let me know Chloe was sick. I was sooo disappointed! I was going to spend the day with Matt S. and just do whatever we wanted but at that point I knew that I would need to be home with her. Later on, however, I realized that maybe I SHOULD be spending that day with the kids so I refocused and made plans to keep both Noah and Chloe home and we would go to Meijer gardens that afternoon. It turned out nice.
Today is Matt's birthday; he would be 29. Odd to think he died when he was 27 although it was just 11 days before he turned 28. It's also odd to think that I will see a number at my next birthday he never saw. He was two years older than me so it's strange that I will pass him!
Anyway, I wish I felt like writing something deep and meaningful today but I just don't have it in me. I am just so thankful for all the support I have received in the last year and I am astounded at the blessings that have come upon me lately. I never would have imagined life turning out this way. Well, that is a poor choice of words because you never know what is waiting around the corner. But for now, I am enjoying my blessings. :) And I am ready for whatever awaits!
As soon as I published my last post, the daycare called me to let me know Chloe was sick. I was sooo disappointed! I was going to spend the day with Matt S. and just do whatever we wanted but at that point I knew that I would need to be home with her. Later on, however, I realized that maybe I SHOULD be spending that day with the kids so I refocused and made plans to keep both Noah and Chloe home and we would go to Meijer gardens that afternoon. It turned out nice.
Today is Matt's birthday; he would be 29. Odd to think he died when he was 27 although it was just 11 days before he turned 28. It's also odd to think that I will see a number at my next birthday he never saw. He was two years older than me so it's strange that I will pass him!
Anyway, I wish I felt like writing something deep and meaningful today but I just don't have it in me. I am just so thankful for all the support I have received in the last year and I am astounded at the blessings that have come upon me lately. I never would have imagined life turning out this way. Well, that is a poor choice of words because you never know what is waiting around the corner. But for now, I am enjoying my blessings. :) And I am ready for whatever awaits!
Thursday, July 19, 2012
(almost) One year
This is what I have been thinking about when I have been thinking about approaching the one year mark:
(1) How incredibly supportive family, friends and strangers alike have been to me throughout this.
(2) I can't believe it has been a year since I've seen Matt's face.
(3) I can't believe how far I have come... mainly because of #1 but also by turning to God for guidance and surrendering to His will.
So here is how I think it will go. I honestly don't dread it. I can't 100% pull apart the significance of "one year" from when it was one day, one week or one month. It's just longer. It still sucks. It's a sucky situation. But it has been this way for a while now. A whole year. That is just crazy.
I frequently think of all the love I/we received following Matt's death. It is something I will always remember; never forget. Especially those who were there with me and there for me in North Carolina within seconds, minutes, hours and days. I was so very far away from home (Michigan) at that time and yet I really felt like I was home. My friends and co-workers for just being there that very day. Hugging me, crying with me, and visiting me at home the days following. April, who never left my side; driving me to the daycare to get the kids and then home for the first time when I knew Matt would never be there again. You just hugged me while I cried and listened to me when I needed to sob through a memory that was sparked by some random item in the house.
The staff and parents at our daycare for completely taking care of me in every way you could possibly imagine! They all but carted in loads of supplies for us like snacks, water, paper plates, toys and activities for the kids, diapers, wipes... it was amazing. They even pooled together a fund to help me out financially in the immediate days and weeks following Matt's death. The amount of support I received from them, most of whom I had never met, was... there's not even a word for it but I suppose absolutely incredible works.
Britt for taking the initiative to set up a college fund for Noah and Chloe. You started it all and the results of your efforts are something for which I will always be grateful.
Those who texted me that night for just letting me know that I was being thought of and prayed for. It meant the world to me. This day and age of social networking and text messages was a blessing for someone who just lost her husband. All the "cyber support" was uplifting and I'm pretty sure I was on Facebook probably 90% of my time the first week after Matt died. I hope I don't have this mixed up but Lacey, I just remember pouring my heart out to you in text messages the night of July 20 and I didn't even know you! Thank you for allowing me to do that.
My family; mom, dad, grandma, Mark, Tracy, Tom and Kristen... for showing up at my door the next day, despite the 1,000-mile journey. One way or another, you made sure you were there for me and we helped each other through the arduous process that was to follow for the next few weeks. And especially my father-in-law, Mark, who basically made me get business done and kept everything organized for me because I can guarantee that would not have happened without you! I love you guys all so much.
There are so many people I could thank for so many things over the last year. The ones I mentioned are just a handful and they demonstrate the support I received during those critical first few days after July 20. The food, the Edible Arrangements, the gift baskets, the sympathy cards, the bible verses, the books, the supplies, the Mass cards, the hugs, the condolences, the songs, the prayers, the donations, the help... everything. If I have learned anything in the past year, I have learned how good and generous people are. But I have also learned much more... I intend to blog again tomorrow.
(1) How incredibly supportive family, friends and strangers alike have been to me throughout this.
(2) I can't believe it has been a year since I've seen Matt's face.
(3) I can't believe how far I have come... mainly because of #1 but also by turning to God for guidance and surrendering to His will.
So here is how I think it will go. I honestly don't dread it. I can't 100% pull apart the significance of "one year" from when it was one day, one week or one month. It's just longer. It still sucks. It's a sucky situation. But it has been this way for a while now. A whole year. That is just crazy.
I frequently think of all the love I/we received following Matt's death. It is something I will always remember; never forget. Especially those who were there with me and there for me in North Carolina within seconds, minutes, hours and days. I was so very far away from home (Michigan) at that time and yet I really felt like I was home. My friends and co-workers for just being there that very day. Hugging me, crying with me, and visiting me at home the days following. April, who never left my side; driving me to the daycare to get the kids and then home for the first time when I knew Matt would never be there again. You just hugged me while I cried and listened to me when I needed to sob through a memory that was sparked by some random item in the house.
The staff and parents at our daycare for completely taking care of me in every way you could possibly imagine! They all but carted in loads of supplies for us like snacks, water, paper plates, toys and activities for the kids, diapers, wipes... it was amazing. They even pooled together a fund to help me out financially in the immediate days and weeks following Matt's death. The amount of support I received from them, most of whom I had never met, was... there's not even a word for it but I suppose absolutely incredible works.
Britt for taking the initiative to set up a college fund for Noah and Chloe. You started it all and the results of your efforts are something for which I will always be grateful.
Those who texted me that night for just letting me know that I was being thought of and prayed for. It meant the world to me. This day and age of social networking and text messages was a blessing for someone who just lost her husband. All the "cyber support" was uplifting and I'm pretty sure I was on Facebook probably 90% of my time the first week after Matt died. I hope I don't have this mixed up but Lacey, I just remember pouring my heart out to you in text messages the night of July 20 and I didn't even know you! Thank you for allowing me to do that.
My family; mom, dad, grandma, Mark, Tracy, Tom and Kristen... for showing up at my door the next day, despite the 1,000-mile journey. One way or another, you made sure you were there for me and we helped each other through the arduous process that was to follow for the next few weeks. And especially my father-in-law, Mark, who basically made me get business done and kept everything organized for me because I can guarantee that would not have happened without you! I love you guys all so much.
There are so many people I could thank for so many things over the last year. The ones I mentioned are just a handful and they demonstrate the support I received during those critical first few days after July 20. The food, the Edible Arrangements, the gift baskets, the sympathy cards, the bible verses, the books, the supplies, the Mass cards, the hugs, the condolences, the songs, the prayers, the donations, the help... everything. If I have learned anything in the past year, I have learned how good and generous people are. But I have also learned much more... I intend to blog again tomorrow.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Who is it?
God allowed my heart to open up to the opportunity of falling in love again when He knew the time was right. It took me by complete surprise and I tried to convince myself I was getting mixed up in the wrong kind of emotions. I would be lying if I said it wasn't frustrating. It frustrated the hell out of me. That's how I knew that it was real.
I know that there is no better person in this world to fill the role of father to Noah and Chloe. The fact that I know Matt would agree with me leaves me with a feeling of joy that I never thought I would feel again.
I feel as though it didn't take me long after Matt died to know that I did, one day, want to be in love again. I wanted to be someone's everything. I longed to utilize all I had learned about love from death and make someone's life amazing. I guess I never realized before Matt that when you sign up to love someone, you sign up to see them to their death. It actually happens (who knew?). I have that very real perspective now (sometimes it's overkill but I can't help it). Anyway, I didn't know when the time would be "right". Well, God has definitely shown me that that time is now and I'm loving every minute of it. I think it's the beginning of a beautiful life.
Suddenly that song for which I felt such disdain almost a year ago doesn't seem so bad anymore.
My prayers were filled with thanks 11 months ago and they are filled with thanks now. Turn to God in devastation, turn to God in prosperity. Always turn to God.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
I have robbed my friends of the opportunity to play match maker.
Maybe I will share more details later... but everything is wonderful right now.
I am finding that it is difficult to stay passionate about school in the summertime. That seven-week anatomy course was an ass kicker. I may re-take it at Grand Valley next fall even though I passed with a B. It's not what I NEED though! Organic chem/biochem is another ass kicker. But I have another month yet to get my crap together and if I can get a B in this, I'll be happy. I don't know about re-taking this one though. I hate labs.
I still plan on applying to the nursing program this fall with the expectation that I won't get in so I am also going to look at Ferris' program, apply to that, and depending on how that goes, re-apply at GVSU next year. Luckily, I have time.
And so just maybe, a teeny tiny bit, having a boyfriend is a slight distraction from school... especially for me... but I don't care because just knowing that these feelings are possible again is probably the greatest thing in the world. It IS the greatest thing in the world. It trumps school by a whole lot in my opinion. But I am still managing to stay somewhat focused.
The kids are doing well. Chloe is starting to talk a lot more. Or trying to talk. Noah is a very passionate almost-three-year-old. He wants things done a certain way. And he must know exactly what is going to happen with his day so he can mentally prepare ahead of time.
Life is one giant blessing.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Long time, no see!
I have had at least one exam every week for the last six weeks. But yesterday marked my last day of anatomy & physiology and I couldn't be more relieved about that even though I will probably re-take the class next year at Grand Valley to get a better grade. These summer classes have been a struggle. I have sacrificed my performance in chemistry in order to keep my head above water in A&P. Now I can devote the rest of my summer to chemistry and hopefully bring myself back up!
My nursing school plans might not work out this fall but I am still going to keep with my original course of action, apply this fall, and if I don't get accepted into the program, oh well. I was starting to become stressed but I have prayed about it and I realized that there is no absolute NEED for me to be finished with school in 2014. It's not like I don't have time. I have plenty of time. I just really hope I don't have to re-take organic chem because I despise labs.
Another reason why I am choosing to let God take control of my future is because I am otherwise very happy right now. Happier than I ever thought I would be at this point. Happy in a way I never thought would be possible if I had been asked 10 months ago. Life is GOOD and that is a huge deal for me!
I think the last time I wrote, I had taken off my engagement ring. I chose to remove it completely; not wear it on my right hand instead or put it on a necklace. It wasn't meant for that. It is my hope that Noah or Chloe will want it one day. Same with the wedding band because I actually didn't last too long wearing only that; maybe a week... then it joined the engagement ring in the safe. So my left ring finger is bare and I am not going to lie, finally taking those rings off was kind of... nice. It was almost a sense of liberation. I still wear Matt's wedding band on my left index finger and I still don't ever intend to remove it.
I am at peace.
My nursing school plans might not work out this fall but I am still going to keep with my original course of action, apply this fall, and if I don't get accepted into the program, oh well. I was starting to become stressed but I have prayed about it and I realized that there is no absolute NEED for me to be finished with school in 2014. It's not like I don't have time. I have plenty of time. I just really hope I don't have to re-take organic chem because I despise labs.
Another reason why I am choosing to let God take control of my future is because I am otherwise very happy right now. Happier than I ever thought I would be at this point. Happy in a way I never thought would be possible if I had been asked 10 months ago. Life is GOOD and that is a huge deal for me!
I think the last time I wrote, I had taken off my engagement ring. I chose to remove it completely; not wear it on my right hand instead or put it on a necklace. It wasn't meant for that. It is my hope that Noah or Chloe will want it one day. Same with the wedding band because I actually didn't last too long wearing only that; maybe a week... then it joined the engagement ring in the safe. So my left ring finger is bare and I am not going to lie, finally taking those rings off was kind of... nice. It was almost a sense of liberation. I still wear Matt's wedding band on my left index finger and I still don't ever intend to remove it.
I am at peace.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
God moments galore
Things don't just happen. I have gained an affinity for these "God moments", it seems. I have become very in tune with the subtleties of everyday happenings and I have noticed that these things are more than just everyday happenings. Some I feel are from Matt, some from God. My detection of these signs has given me a beautiful new perspective on my life path. I take them to mean that I am on my way; that I am taking the right course. I really feel that is true.
I went to the jewelry store to have my rings cleaned today. I did it for a reason; because I have every intention of removing my engagement ring... today. I had been thinking about it for a while now. I always wondered when I would feel ready. Well, I feel ready for one of them. I'm moving slowly. I can't take my wedding band off today. I am still unsure about how to approach that one.
I have spent time thinking about this all week. It is no small deal. Then, on Tuesday, the guy in my lab group said something about practicing the skeletal system using my husband as a model. Let me just step aside for a moment and express how tired I am of telling people that my husband is dead. It's not because I am tired of saying the words, it's because I'm tired of the reactions. In fact, another recruiter called last week or a couple weeks ago looking for Matt and I still haven't called her back because I just don't want to. I don't think I'm going to. Anyway, I said, "Ehhh... I'm not married." He said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were wearing a ring..." and I said, "Yeah.... I am... but... I'm a widow." Blech. Of course, he felt terrible and I'm to the point now where I just say, "It's okay, it's okay... really." That happened the week I intended to take off my engagement ring? Yes, it did.
I walk into the jewelry store and a woman comes out from the back of the store to help me. She is wearing the same dress I wore to Matt's funeral. Need I say more?
I stood there... thinking about how this is the last time I will ever have my engagement ring cleaned. It used to be one of the highlights of my life, getting that thing cleaned. It sparkles and twinkles so pretty. But today... I am simply facing reality.
Or at least 50% of reality. =)
(This is all assuming I can find the keys to my safe because I put them in my purse which is like a black hole and I am not removing my engagement ring to put anywhere but in the safe.)
I went to the jewelry store to have my rings cleaned today. I did it for a reason; because I have every intention of removing my engagement ring... today. I had been thinking about it for a while now. I always wondered when I would feel ready. Well, I feel ready for one of them. I'm moving slowly. I can't take my wedding band off today. I am still unsure about how to approach that one.
I have spent time thinking about this all week. It is no small deal. Then, on Tuesday, the guy in my lab group said something about practicing the skeletal system using my husband as a model. Let me just step aside for a moment and express how tired I am of telling people that my husband is dead. It's not because I am tired of saying the words, it's because I'm tired of the reactions. In fact, another recruiter called last week or a couple weeks ago looking for Matt and I still haven't called her back because I just don't want to. I don't think I'm going to. Anyway, I said, "Ehhh... I'm not married." He said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were wearing a ring..." and I said, "Yeah.... I am... but... I'm a widow." Blech. Of course, he felt terrible and I'm to the point now where I just say, "It's okay, it's okay... really." That happened the week I intended to take off my engagement ring? Yes, it did.
I walk into the jewelry store and a woman comes out from the back of the store to help me. She is wearing the same dress I wore to Matt's funeral. Need I say more?
I stood there... thinking about how this is the last time I will ever have my engagement ring cleaned. It used to be one of the highlights of my life, getting that thing cleaned. It sparkles and twinkles so pretty. But today... I am simply facing reality.
Or at least 50% of reality. =)
(This is all assuming I can find the keys to my safe because I put them in my purse which is like a black hole and I am not removing my engagement ring to put anywhere but in the safe.)
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
You know what?
Things are looking up.
And I also had an epiphany the other day when I realized that Chloe might not exist if I hadn't failed at breastfeeding Noah. Hmmm.
And I also had an epiphany the other day when I realized that Chloe might not exist if I hadn't failed at breastfeeding Noah. Hmmm.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
It's funny.
I went all semester long last semester without revealing my state of widowhood in my biology lab and psychology class. And in biology lecture, it was only to my professor during his office hours.
I had no choice but to reveal that fact on the FIRST day of both anatomy/physiology and chemistry. I was asked, in both instances, what made me decide to change my career path. After giving the answer, I have realized that I don't really have a good way of answering that makes me feel like I'm truly satisfying the question. It's more than just, "Well... my husband was killed in a car accident last summer..." That's obviously the bottom line but what about that? So that's what I decided to ponder during my run this morning. I found the true answer:
Not only do I want to use my experience to bring comfort to other families who are in or very near to a situation in which I was, too (in losing Matt) but I have this drive within me to use my knowledge of what Matt went through after his first car accident to bring HOPE to others who are in the same or a similar situation as he was. It's dual purpose. I know how much Matt wanted to reach out and bring hope to others who had suffered a traumatic brain injury. I want to carry on that legacy.
That's a satisfying answer and I will now be better-prepared to respond to, "What made you decide to change your career path?" in a way that truly speaks to the reason why. Maybe I need to start rehearsing. Hah! Just kidding.
I went to the cemetery after my run. I had been wanting to go so badly after that dream I had (see previous post). I felt I owed Matt a visit after that. I went to the flower shop and picked up a heart-shaped stone that was engraved with a phrase. It was exactly how I felt in my dream.
I saw that the little seed Noah planted at Gilda's Club had sprouted! I thought that was so special. Chloe's isn't doing as well but maybe it will pull through. I also brought three red roses. I was feeling very nostalgic today. I picked three red roses because the first flowers Matt had ever gotten for me in high school were three red roses. It was for Valentine's Day. I went to his house one day and they were there on the counter in the kitchen. He told me there were three red roses, one for each of the words in "I love you".
I had no choice but to reveal that fact on the FIRST day of both anatomy/physiology and chemistry. I was asked, in both instances, what made me decide to change my career path. After giving the answer, I have realized that I don't really have a good way of answering that makes me feel like I'm truly satisfying the question. It's more than just, "Well... my husband was killed in a car accident last summer..." That's obviously the bottom line but what about that? So that's what I decided to ponder during my run this morning. I found the true answer:
Not only do I want to use my experience to bring comfort to other families who are in or very near to a situation in which I was, too (in losing Matt) but I have this drive within me to use my knowledge of what Matt went through after his first car accident to bring HOPE to others who are in the same or a similar situation as he was. It's dual purpose. I know how much Matt wanted to reach out and bring hope to others who had suffered a traumatic brain injury. I want to carry on that legacy.
That's a satisfying answer and I will now be better-prepared to respond to, "What made you decide to change your career path?" in a way that truly speaks to the reason why. Maybe I need to start rehearsing. Hah! Just kidding.
I went to the cemetery after my run. I had been wanting to go so badly after that dream I had (see previous post). I felt I owed Matt a visit after that. I went to the flower shop and picked up a heart-shaped stone that was engraved with a phrase. It was exactly how I felt in my dream.
Goodbyes
are not forever.
Goodbyes are not the end.
They simply mean
I'll miss you,
until we meet again.
I saw that the little seed Noah planted at Gilda's Club had sprouted! I thought that was so special. Chloe's isn't doing as well but maybe it will pull through. I also brought three red roses. I was feeling very nostalgic today. I picked three red roses because the first flowers Matt had ever gotten for me in high school were three red roses. It was for Valentine's Day. I went to his house one day and they were there on the counter in the kitchen. He told me there were three red roses, one for each of the words in "I love you".
"The memory of the just will be blessed..." Proverbs 10:7
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