Thursday, December 6, 2012

Over a month?? :(

I can't believe it's been that long since I last wrote.  I bought a house!  And closing Monday afternoon.  I am ecstatic.  I'm drawing a blank as to what else to say... school is coming to a close so finals are on my mind and it's sucking the life out of me.  I'm literally going to copy and paste from an email I sent to my support group leader a couple days ago, lol.

 Life has been treating me well but also keeping me very busy!  I am so excited and so ready to get back into a house that I can finally call home again.  I am just really looking forward to getting into a more regular routine with the kids and settling into a permanent dwelling!  Poor little Chloe has never lived in the same place for longer than six months.  It will be so awesome to have that "little family of four" feeling again, probably the best Christmas gift I could ask for, really.  It has ONLY been 17 months since Matt died but at the same time, it has been such a long road to this point and I am READY.

 Something else I was thinking of today is in regards to my fabulous relationship.  I would like to start out by saying that the pivotal date of my lifetime, July 20, 2011, and the events that followed soon thereafter, left me with deeply rooted emotions that I will never forget.  They occasionally creep back to me and it's not a bad thing, but they definitely leave me with sort of an empty, hollow, sad feeling.  I allow myself to feel these emotions, get teary eyed, whatever... and they eventually subside until next time.  How this relates to my boyfriend... well, obviously he was present for everything back in July of 2011, too, and is just as affected by it as I am.  When I get these sad feelings, I am also so THANKFUL that I am with someone who knows exactly what they are.  I am blessed to be with someone who knew my husband as well as I did.  The next thing I think about is actually quite depressing and I try not to think about it often but I can't help but think about it... probably more often than I should - losing him, too.  Maybe I'm even a little paranoid about it.  Sometimes I think if I can go through it once, I can go through it again and other times I think it will probably be something that hits me even worse than the first time.  Either way, it's just something that I expect to happen sooner or later and I wish I didn't think about it but I do.  Maybe it's a good thing.  Maybe not.  Maybe it gives me a good but morbid perspective on life.  Whatever it is... it's there.

Like I said, my brain is in academic overload so I can't even think of a conclusion.  Well, I seldom think of a smooth transition to a conclusion but today my excuse is finals next week.  Good luck to me!

Until next time...

1 comment:

  1. I have followed your blog since you started it. I can't imagine loosing your husband in such a tragic way, especially with 2 small children. I just wanted to say your strength is amazing. I'm sure your kids have a ton to do with the strength you have! I am glad you found happiness again in someone else. You are in my prayers...