Wednesday, January 15, 2014

I went to Tucson over NYE and it was fabulous.

Why Tucson? 

Well, I have a new boyfriend, that's why.  And he lives in Tucson.  We met in Michigan, our common factor being Crystal Lake.  So that's done.  Do I go into what happened with my previous relationship?  I kind of feel like maybe that would be helpful, considering I had shared tidbits about it in the past. Here's the thing - I know I had lost myself after my husband died.  And then I felt as though the journey to finding my new identity as a single mom of two was a lot LOT shorter than I ever imagined it would be.  I credit faith, family, and friends & strangers alike for that.  I would say a lot of it had to do with the fact that I was lucky enough to be able to essentially quit life after my husband died.  I'm also going to have to give running some credit, too.  I've had some of my most insightful epiphanies come to me while I was on a run.  Back to the whole "quitting life" thing... I was able to quit my job (save for parenting although I had and still do have a lot of help with that, too - it takes a village!), and leave what used to be my home behind.  I just left it all and camped out for a while.  That was a lot of time to think and make the decision to go back to school.  That's when I started to feel like a functioning human being again.  A few more months went by and I was already feeling like my old self again.  I had developed feelings for Noah's godfather but I believe those were mistaken emotions rising out of the need to make someone else happy.  I certainly didn't see this then like I see it now, but it was logical and convenient for him to be that someone.  Granted, the continuation of my new self-discovery occurred through the duration of this relationship and I made some important life changes, like buying my house, which has been super challenging and yet refreshing all at the same time.  Those are all good things.  But in the end, I felt as though everything was too planned without the passion.  It felt mechanical to me.  There were parenting conflicts.  Romance was next to non-existent.  I was just missing things that I realized I truly need in a relationship. And, to be honest, (of course that was a very compact explanation) it was kind of a sudden and unexpected realization for me.  There were times here and there over the months (we were together for about 15) where I just didn't feel like I was with the "right" person.  I would have trouble envisioning myself in that relationship for the rest of my life.  We would talk about marriage from time to time and it seemed so "planned"... and I would always find an excuse to say I wasn't ready.  Come to find out, there were quite a few on the outside looking in who also felt he and I were not a perfect match.  I will confess that once it was finally over, I felt nothing but relief, freedom and confidence that I made the right decision.  I will ALSO confess that there is an extra special someone in my life who (unknowingly at the time) was the figurative "cherry on top" of everything I already had going on in my mind.  This person is someone with whom I had always felt an unspoken connection since the day we met (in 2006).  Of course, it wasn't always in a romantic kind of way.  My soul has simply been drawn to him in a way I have never felt with anyone before.  Our personalities just match up so well; we are two of a kind.  I can't explain it, but I felt different after he left to go back to Arizona last summer.  I could only stand it for about two weeks of nonstop texting and Snapchatting before I impulsively and drunkenly (wine tasting) confessed everything to him.  I had wanted to express everything to my then-boyfriend before I confessed to my now-boyfriend...

but wine tasting. 

He knew nothing of what I was feeling for him and so my "confession" completely shocked him.  I was out of town and not returning home until the following night so I sat with anxiety so intense I felt sick all of that Sunday, leading up to the point where I got home and broke up with my boyfriend.  It wasn't an easy thing to do, of course, but I knew it was the right thing to do.  I felt like I was settling in that relationship.  I needed to be happy, too, and I wasn't.  I am happier than ever now.  This man is so expressive, spontaneous, curious, adventurous, open-minded, creative, romantic, confident, patient, communicative, complimentary, funny and much, much more.

I felt it was time I come clean since it has been five months so there it is!

Until next time...(whenever that may be)...

3 comments:

  1. So happy for you that you've found your happy!

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  2. I am glad you are where you need to be! Are you still going to school for nursing?!

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  3. You stopped blogging, I hope you are well!

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