Five Halloweens

Losing Matt is the greatest loss I could ever suffer except for our children. But even then, at the very least I could think, "Now they're with their dad." I feel like any loss that comes after this, while still inevitably painful, I will always think, "They are with Matt now" and that brings me peace. I really don't think it could get worse than this. Knowing that Matt is already in Heaven will comfort me through future losses. He will comfort me.

I will miss Matt a lot tomorrow while we go trick-or-treating with the kids. It's Chloe's first Halloween and Noah's first Halloween where he will actually "get it". So tomorrow will involve some extra doses of "Matt void".

In honor of Halloween, however, I will share some memories of the few we did get to spend together.

In 2005 (our first Halloween), I was a devil fairy thing and Matt was "emo". We went to a couple of parties and did what college

students do, lol.

In 2006, we were engaged; I was a sailor and Matt was V (for Vendetta). We went to some parties and I remember Matt trying to drink with a straw through the mouth hole in his mask, lol. It didn't work out too well.

In 2007, it was our first year married so we had our house in

Midland. Matt bought some kind of ghostly cloak thing with red eyes that lit up. He sat on the porch to hand out candy because I pretty much told him to even though it was cold and rainy. :P But I sat out there with him and he told me I had better at least make him some coffee for making him do that so I did, lol.

In 2008, we were in our townhouse in North Carolina. We didn't get too many trick-or-treaters, which made me happy because I could eat all the leftover candy. We rented a horror flick; it might have been The Descent but I can't remember.

In 2009, we had bought our house in North Carolina and were the new parents of a baby boy. :) We went to a pumpkin patch, Noah in the stroller wearing a little Halloween sleeper, and I remember it was HOT outside. We walked around the pumpkin patch a little bit and talked about how "next year Noah will enjoy it more".

In 2010, I was pregnant with Chloe and Noah was a new walker, 13 months old. We went back to the same pumpkin patch and Noah was walking/stumbling about. I distinctly remember Matt and I on either side of Noah, holding his hands while he walked unsteadily. He fell in the dirt a couple of times. We took him around to look at the animals. We bought him a Winnie the Pooh costume that he wore to his daycare Halloween party and then we took him trick-or-treating to one house across the street but she wasn't home and that was the only house we went to, lol. We got that on camera, Noah's first trick-or-treat attempt. He obviously didn't get it but it was fun watching him walk around in his little Pooh costume.

Five Halloweens. I like to think he's not missing out on anything in his kids' lives. I get sad about all the things they are going to miss with their daddy.

I wish I knew him better through his first accident.

I knew him, of course, but he had broken up with me the day before his accident so I wasn't very close to him through his recovery. I visited him a few times from what I can remember in the hospital and at the rehab center. I wrote in the journals that were kept for him that his family and friends wrote in. And then I remember that he wanted me to call him once he was back at home. So I did and we just talked... and that was it.

I almost feel like I didn't fully appreciate all that he overcame because I wasn't there. I knew him and I knew that he escaped death but I now continue to hear more details about the challenges he faced and I just wish I would have told him more often how miraculous he was. I wish I had known more. I wish I had asked him more.

I know we had moments together where we read back through those journals and talked about details of the accident and his recovery. I guess I just never stopped and really thought about it.

After that phone call that summer, I think I ran into him at a couple of parties and then we ended up in the same math class his senior year (my junior year). After that, I went to pay him a visit at Aquinas my senior year and after that, I paid him another visit when he transferred to Grand Valley my freshman year in college. And after that... I think that's when we actually started hanging out again during my sophomore year and it didn't take long for us to pick up where we left off in high school (before we had broken up). :)

I remember asking him about his recovery a little bit that first time we met for coffee. Then the topic of the conversation quickly turned to music. And we frequently discussed it after that but not as in-depth as I'm now wishing we would have.

I just feel like there was more to know. Maybe he didn't really remember all the details. Maybe he just didn't think about it like I did because it was all normal to him. I did know a lot about the struggles he overcame though... I should have asked him more. I could have appreciated him more.

Before I forget...

Another dream with Matt last night.

He was dead and then came back. He seemed tired. We were laying next to each other and we got to hug AND kiss! Even better. :) The only bummer was he said he never saw any of my Facebook posts or blog entries while he was dead. But I think he can know what my thoughts are. Only because of that time when he entered my dream and addressed my concerns about life after death. That was so crazy. And the very first dream I ever had where he came to me and told me that "this was real". It's very supernatural and I'm glad I'm open to it because I think that's how it's possible for him to meet me in my dreams... even if it makes me look crazy. :)

Colossians 3:12-17

What a perfect devotional verse today! This is my goal in life:

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another, if one has a grievance against another; as the Lord has forgiven you, so must you also do. And over all these put on love, that is, the bond of perfection. And let the peace of Christ control your hearts, the peace into which you were also called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, as in all wisdom you teach and admonish one another, singing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or in deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Ready to live

I was struck down with the flu last night. I'm still feeling it but it's bearable at this point. I was laying in bed feeling horrible last night, just thinking. I was thinking about how I felt like I was dying and came to accept that I actually had a lot of life left and I am ready to live it. I am ready to live for Matt, for our children... in Christ's name. And no matter how long I might have left, I will embrace every minute. Every day I miss Matt and every day I have missed him since the day he died. It will not get any better but I believe that I must cherish each day despite this heartache and emptiness that comes from losing my husband, my partner, my best friend. I know that he is with me and will always be with me and with our children.

I had plans to go to Traverse City today but obviously the flu changed those. So that will be postponed until Tuesday. Then I couldn't help but think that maybe something bad would have happened to me today had I gone and the flu saved my life by keeping me home. Who knows? I over-think things like that every day.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm still in denial. I am subconsciously tricking myself into thinking that maybe he will still come back? I know he won't but it's certainly not difficult to pretend. I guess it's a fantasy I can create on purpose even though I know it's impossible. One thing is certain - I will see him again one day. It just won't be here.

I started watching sports. There's not much about sports that makes me feel bad (missing Matt). I've been insanely out of the loop in terms of TV shows and movies, I haven't really watched TV since the night before Matt died. But we never watched sports so it's kind of a new thing for me. I've been learning a lot about baseball and football!

It has been a few days since I last posted. I have just been. I don't really know how else to describe it. Sometimes I feel like I'm just in a trance, going through the motions of life. Maybe I'm ready to start down my new life path. Ready to start on my classes this winter. I've had so much time to think and reflect lately... I feel so blessed about that. I think it has helped my healing process tremendously. I don't know how many people in my situation are fortunate enough to basically halt their life and just pause for a while. Not only did I lose my husband but I also had to quit my job and leave our home. Well, I guess I didn't HAVE to but it was the obvious right choice for me. We (the kids and I) need to be close to family. It is important for us to be surrounded by loved ones who can share memories of Matt on a daily basis. It is important for our kids, especially, to grow up in such a way that they can know their dad as best as they possibly can with him not being here. It is my hope that Matt will continue to watch over us and feel good about the way we are carrying on his memory. I want to be sure to do everything in my life to honor Matt and to be the best person I can possibly be.

I had a lot of crazy dreams last night.

Matt showed up in the middle of one. It was really strange. I was having a dream with him in it (as a character)... and then he showed up. So there were two of him. The "real" Matt was just standing there and he smiled at me. He looked really good, too. He is getting tan (from all that Heavenly light, I suppose), lol. And it looked like he just had a haircut; it was short. It was right at the end of this dream I was having; right before I woke up. Oh, and now that I'm recording this, my memory is serving me well - we hugged. We hugged and I kind of folded myself into his chest, I turned my head (to my left) and pressed it against him to get as close to him as I possibly could. It seemed very brief. Brief but wonderful. We did not talk. Then I woke up.

This is the best thing that happens to me these days. It's the closest to him I can ever get for as long as I live. So I hold onto these special moments that are purely transcendental. They bring me back to him and remind me that even though I can't touch him, can't speak to him, can't smell him, can't hear him... he is not far. Always with me.

Beautiful night sky

Raindrops dance on the leaves
like gentle fingers on a piano.

Today is Chloe's first day at daycare here. I can't believe how quiet the house is! I can just sit and stare in silence for as long as I like. I will be bringing her two days a week.

What is a sign from God? We were discussing the northern lights on Sunday night. I mentioned I had never seen them before. They mentioned they had never seen them here before. And the very next night, the starry sky was lit up with beautiful glimmering northern lights. We shut off all the house lights and walked outside. It was as though the pinnacle was right above us and it was like watching light dance across water, but up in the sky instead. It was amazing! I felt like it was a gift from Matt and a true sign from God.