Nothing is ours.

If there is one thing I've learned since losing Matt, it's that nothing on this Earth... nothing in this life... is ours. Anything that we think is ours is only temporary. Everything we have is temporary. What we do with those things in the time we have them is what really matters. Make it count. Everything belongs to God. It is heartbreaking to lose the people we love... but I am to the point where I realize everything is His and I am prepared to surrender all that I have for Him. It's all a part of our plan and the greatest gift I have been given is that very realization. I call it "surrendering" and "giving up" because I know in my heart that taking heartbreak with faith, strength and grace will ultimately lead me to what really matters - eternal life after death. That means being rewarded with the indescribable joy that will come from being with those I love again. All of this is temporary.

We oftentimes say, "I just wish I could wake up and this would all be a bad dream." It is. It will happen one day. On the day I die, Matt will be there to say, "It was all just a bad dream." It will seem like a very very long time between now and when that happens. But it will happen.

I start each day reading my devotional and accompanying Bible verses before I step out of my car. Then I try to keep God at the forefront of my mind in everything I do. I try to take everything one week at a time... one day at a time is even better. And one task at a time is even better. I try to focus on the exact present because it's what I have control over. My future is taken care of. The present is what I can control. That's all I can control. So that's what I try to do.

Matt has been my greatest inspiration for strength through all of this. He took the event that changed his life - the car accident that almost took his life 11-1/2 years ago - that left him unable to perform all of the basic functions we perform every day - and he powered through it with strength and faith and made that event something for which he was thankful because he allowed it to change his life for the better. And he was only 17. He took his experience and it shaped the wonderful person he was and he grew from it. He was thankful for it. He was able to thank God for a tragedy because it gave him a new appreciation for life.

So rather than letting the details of the car accident and what he was doing that day get in my way of the big picture, I have been trying my hardest to set all that aside and focus on the things that really matter. The things I can control - one of which is being faithful to God and understanding that everything is His. I want to believe that there is hope for a bright future for all of us that Matt left behind. I want to believe that I will be happy again one day like I was with him. I want to believe that someday God will bring me someone with whom I can share my life and who the kids can call "dad". I am growing more each day in my faith and I know what kind of person I want to be. It's a process.

I think about where I was six months ago and look at where I am now... I don't think I imagined I would be doing this well. I hoped I would be doing this well but I didn't think I would be. It's just amazing what God can do.

School

I feel so accomplished and all I did was make a phone call this afternoon. I have an appointment set up with an academic adviser at GVSU for October 21. I called admissions, she submitted my re-entry form and I am ready to register for classes this winter!

I seriously can't believe I'm going to go back to school for a second degree.

I am... nervous, anxious, excited, determined... am I ready for this?! This has to be what I am meant to do. Otherwise, why is it happening like this? Why did God take such extreme measures to rip me from the wonderful life I had? Matt fulfilled his purpose and now it's time for me to fulfill mine. I just want to make Matt proud of me. And I want to help heal others, physically and emotionally.

Why nursing? I want to help people who are in a situation like Matt was in. I want to help them in a way that Matt couldn't be helped. I want to have a hand in fixing others. If others can't be fixed, like Matt couldn't be fixed, I want to be there for their families. I want to be a living example to them that everything will be okay. I want to share Matt's story of recovery from his first accident with patients. I want to bring hope and encouragement using him as an example. I just want his memory to live on by using his story to say, "Miracles do happen. Never lose hope."

I take comfort in comforting others. My broken heart eases when I can ease someone else's heartbreak. I want to take my grief and direct it toward helping others. I feel that nursing will allow me to do these things.

I am in for long hours and late nights. It is going to be a challenging path but all I have to do is think about Matt, think about Noah and Chloe, look down and place my finger on Matt's thumb print. It will be worth it.

"Jesus looked at them and said, 'For human beings this is impossible, but for God all things are possible.'" Matthew 19:26

It will never get better.*

I will just learn to live with a hole in my heart.

(The graphic part isn't until the last paragraph.)

I drove past a billboard on the way back up to Petoskey on Sunday that read, "Thousands of men die from stubbornness each year." I don't know what it was for but I thought it was funny I happened to see it.

This is one of the most awkward things to think about but I do think about it: Dating, marriage, etc. When Matt died I thought, that's it. I'm living the rest of my life as a singleton. Maybe I'll date again one day but never marry again. I have one husband and he'll always be my husband -I am disregarding those vows "'til death do you part" - it's not that simple. If o nly it was that simple.

It's not a breakup. We loved each other and then he was taken. Without warning. It's not something I could ever "get over". This is my husband... the father of my children. I still can't imagine ever replacing him. Not literally replacing him, of course... but even the thought of someone else coming into the picture feels like an attempt at doing just that and I don't like it at all.

But this is where I'm at right now. Dating? I guess. Whatever. Maybe in 20 years (just kidding... but can't you tell I'm not too thrilled with the idea?). Marriage? I said I don't think I could ever get married again soon after I lost Matt but I guess now I'm slightly more open to the idea. I might do that for someone I cared enough about. But it's not really something I'm interested in, per say.

What about Noah and Chloe? I realize that should anyone ever come into the picture and stay in the picture, he would be the only "dad" they really know. I don't like that but it's the truth. Now I can really understand Emily from The Bachelor and how protective of her daughter she was (don't act like you don't watch The Bachelor). There is so much going on here that I am completely content staying single forever. It's just way too complicated otherwise. Someone would have to be pretty special for me to want to get into the complications that would rise out of that whole mess. And I can't see how I would ever get past comparing everyone to Matt, which is yet another issue entirely.

It seems really soon to be thinking about that stuff but several people have brought it up to me already. So it's kind of hard not to at least give it a little thought. But, truth be told, I did think of it very soon... because one of the first things that came into my head when I was told Matt died was how Noah and Chloe no longer have Daddy. And from there just came a million thoughts about this and that. Mainly, who is going to be there for them instead?

Say I do get married again one day. (1) Fully aware that means I could go through this again. It's worth it. (2) My rings stay. (3) My last name stays.

Speaking of the rings, I don't see how I could ever remove them. They are a special symbol of a very special love. It wasn't my choice to lose him. It wasn't his choice for me to lose him. I will wear these until I die. Plus, they're gorgeous.

Now, when I change my mind, it will be known.

Our headstone is so close to being finished. I made one last change to the second draft I was sent, and now I'm just waiting for the third draft so I can approve it! I was almost having second thoughts about the shape I chose because I was worried about Matt liking it, lol. Then I realized that he's not here and the least he could do was let me make it how I want it. So that's that. I'm doing it how I want to do it.

A random thing I miss about Matt: Quoting inappropriate lines from movies like The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Wedding Crashers, I Love You Man, etc. :( This is so sucky.

I called Trooper C. today just to say hi. I imagine it must be nice for him to hear from me; to know that I'm doing okay. He said he was really glad I called. I almost feel weird calling but, at the same time, I feel so compelled to maintain contact. He was there. I mean... he touched Matt's near-lifeless body in the car that was covered in his blood. I hate to be graphic but this is the reality of the situation. As an EMT, he did what he could until the paramedics arrived. And then, after all that, he came to tell me to my face that my husband was dead. He was one of the last people who ever saw Matt alive (unconscious, but still alive). I told him this - that I feel like he is one of the last connections to Matt's life I have. And by that I mean... his final moments. Those final moments.... I wasn't there but he was.

I try not to think about the future.

One day at a time is key. When I think about the future, it just puts a number in my head of days, weeks, years... and then I think about how long that is to be without Matt. It's pretty depressing to think of the future. So I try to keep my mind in the past and the present. I caught myself thinking tonight, "Let's say 20 years down the road..." and then I just wanted to erase that thought completely.

I'm starting to notice when my "crying times" are. It's either a.) while I'm driving or b.) while I'm laying in bed. I don't sob uncontrollably. I just softly cry for a matter of minutes. I was laying in bed with Noah tonight, waiting for him to fall asleep. I had my hand up, looking at our wedding rings. Then I just imagined Matt's wedding band on his ring finger. And then I imagined him holding my hand. And then I remembered our little "day date" that we had last Christmas. We went to lunch together and I held his hand walking through downtown Petoskey. We went to a little restaurant called The Twisted Olive. It was sooo yummy. We waited for a table FOREVER because it was packed. But it was worth the wait. We each got a sandwich and traded halves so we could try each other's. I was six months pregnant with Chloe at the time.

I haven't seen him in my dreams since the one where he basically told me that heaven is real... that was at least a week ago. I'll never forget the first dream he came to me two nights after he died and he told me that he was real (his presence in my dream). I miss him and I hope he can make the journey again sometime soon. I want to hug him again. Even if I only have him as a dream character, that's better than nothing at all.

I had to explain to a woman at the bank today my situation. Well, I didn't HAVE to, but I did. Because I still have my NC license so of course that always carries the question, "What brings you to Michigan?" It's a long story! But I almost always tell it. She even asked me what happened after I told her Matt was killed in a car accident. A lot of people don't ask for details. I really don't mind sharing at all, in fact, I like talking about it. I guess it's therapeutic in a way. So I told her... about what happened, how we have two very young kids, how our wedding anniversary is next week... I feel like I'm ruining people's day because they feel so sorry. I know that if someone had told me that happened to them, I would go home and share their story with Matt because it is just so heart wrenching; I would need to tell someone about it! But it is what it is. This time it's not someone else's sad story; it's mine. And the one person I would turn to for support is gone.

I'm in our house.

I keep envisioning Matt walking through the front door with his laptop bag, sunglasses on, dressed up in a suit as if he had just gotten home from work saying, "Hey!" "Hey buddy!" to Noah... as Noah runs toward him saying, "Dada!"

Like... is this seriously real? I will never see that again, will I? It's just hard to believe, that's all. It's hard not to look at the front door and expect him to walk in any minute.

So now I'm back and now the long process begins... getting everything sorted out. Cleaning up the life we built here and starting all over again in Michigan. Alone. And by alone, I mean... without Matt. I know I won't really be alone. I am so lucky to have all the support from family and friends that I do. But Matt won't be there. I always thought about how lucky I was to have him. And about how I don't know what I would do without him. Well, I guess now I better figure that out.

Here in Greenville, I'll continue to send the kids to daycare while I work part-time. Hopefully that will allow me to pack everything up and get the house on the market in a relatively short period of time. Then I'll move back to Michigan.

I'm going to look for jobs back in Grand Rapids. I will be living in Petoskey until I find something. Then, when I do find something, I will have to line up daycare and take up residence with some family down there until I feel comfortable moving out on my own with these two little ones. I'm scared for what the future holds but having a rough plan makes it slightly easier.

We visited Matt's grave last night. Even though he is not necessarily there, it's still a nice place to go to pray and reflect. This weekend, our church down here is holding a Memorial Mass for Matt. And then we will go put up a cross at the site of the accident. I like doing things to remember him... it just makes me feel good.

An Incomplete Home

I'm flying back to North Carolina on Tuesday. My brother-in-law, Tom, is flying back with me and the kids. I am planning on this being a very difficult homecoming... I will be stepping into an incomplete home. I will be facing all of Matt's belongings, facing a million memories, looking at our house pretty much the way it was left when he was still alive. I can't believe I have to pack it all up and walk away a widow. I thought we would be leaving our house together... to move on to a new and exciting place... move on to a bigger house where we could continue to grow our family. Matt wanted the perfect life for us and he worked hard for it.

Today I just feel so empty. In complete despair. Just missing him. Empty.

And there is such a long road ahead of me. But I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. At least I can count on prayer, if nothing else.

If I didn't have Noah and Chloe...

If I didn't have our two beautiful children, I would feel like I had nothing. There would be no purpose in my life. So in a way, Matt, you saved my will to live by giving us these precious little ones. Without you... they are all I have left.

At his visitation, I knew the initial sight of his casket would be a difficult moment. And it was. I just couldn't believe that my husband's body was in there. And his soul was not. I don't know exactly what went through my mind as I wept on my knees in front of it. He was gone. Our children's father was gone. Our future was gone. Taken. Stolen from us. I regained my composure for most everything else. Up until the funeral procession. His funeral was beautiful, by the way. Exactly how he would have wanted it.

At the burial, as I stated earlier, I did not have as hard of a time with it as I thought I would because I did not feel like he was in there. It was his body... that I will very much miss holding me, kissing me, cuddling me. But I know his soul is still very much alive and with us. He is watching over us now from another realm. I miss him. I planted a kiss on his casket before I walked away and my lipstick marks were left behind. There's the kiss I should have given him that morning before he died.

We are now in Petoskey... arrived late last night. I looked at the bed in "my" room and remembered the last time I was here. I was with Matt. It was Christmas time. And that was "our" room. The last time I was in that bed, I was with him. I was six months pregnant with Chloe and Noah was almost 16 months. I remember taking a family nap in that bed the last time we were here.

Chloe was born on March 31. Matt's birthday is July 31. She was almost two weeks "late" but, really, she was right on time. She wanted to share the 31st of the month with her daddy. Chloe, you will be four months old on Daddy's birthday.

Matt wanted Chloe to call him Daddy. He thought it sounded sweet and wanted Chloe to be Daddy's little girl. She will be. Always will be Daddy's little girl.

I have some sense of our new future. I will be coming back to Michigan this fall. Matt and I always thought we would want to come back to Michigan one day. Although we never would have guessed it would be like this. I'm a widow. A single mother of two. Matt would never have wanted it to be this way. He had very strong feelings about a two-parent household. I did, too. So now I feel that it is very important to be nearby family. Because their father is gone and they need a strong family structure. And I definitely believe they will get that. They have received so much love in the last week. There are so many people here for us and here for them that I have no doubt they will still grow up with a very strong sense of family and strong sense of community.

Exactly what Matt would have wanted.