I try not to think about the future.

One day at a time is key. When I think about the future, it just puts a number in my head of days, weeks, years... and then I think about how long that is to be without Matt. It's pretty depressing to think of the future. So I try to keep my mind in the past and the present. I caught myself thinking tonight, "Let's say 20 years down the road..." and then I just wanted to erase that thought completely.

I'm starting to notice when my "crying times" are. It's either a.) while I'm driving or b.) while I'm laying in bed. I don't sob uncontrollably. I just softly cry for a matter of minutes. I was laying in bed with Noah tonight, waiting for him to fall asleep. I had my hand up, looking at our wedding rings. Then I just imagined Matt's wedding band on his ring finger. And then I imagined him holding my hand. And then I remembered our little "day date" that we had last Christmas. We went to lunch together and I held his hand walking through downtown Petoskey. We went to a little restaurant called The Twisted Olive. It was sooo yummy. We waited for a table FOREVER because it was packed. But it was worth the wait. We each got a sandwich and traded halves so we could try each other's. I was six months pregnant with Chloe at the time.

I haven't seen him in my dreams since the one where he basically told me that heaven is real... that was at least a week ago. I'll never forget the first dream he came to me two nights after he died and he told me that he was real (his presence in my dream). I miss him and I hope he can make the journey again sometime soon. I want to hug him again. Even if I only have him as a dream character, that's better than nothing at all.

I had to explain to a woman at the bank today my situation. Well, I didn't HAVE to, but I did. Because I still have my NC license so of course that always carries the question, "What brings you to Michigan?" It's a long story! But I almost always tell it. She even asked me what happened after I told her Matt was killed in a car accident. A lot of people don't ask for details. I really don't mind sharing at all, in fact, I like talking about it. I guess it's therapeutic in a way. So I told her... about what happened, how we have two very young kids, how our wedding anniversary is next week... I feel like I'm ruining people's day because they feel so sorry. I know that if someone had told me that happened to them, I would go home and share their story with Matt because it is just so heart wrenching; I would need to tell someone about it! But it is what it is. This time it's not someone else's sad story; it's mine. And the one person I would turn to for support is gone.