Nightmare*

I had another bloody nightmare last night. I was driving by the scene of Matt's accident and another accident happened in the same spot. There was blood EVERYWHERE. It was horrible.

I started writing letters to Matt in a journal my aunt gave to me. It is a great way to communicate with him... or feel like I'm communicating with him. Because I can no longer talk to him like I would have had he still been here, writing letters seems like the only other way. I just pray he can get them. Somehow.

So how am I doing? That's a pretty good question. A lot of the time, I feel like I don't even know the answer. It goes back and forth. This strength that everyone keeps talking about... I guess I really don't have a choice. I'm sure it all comes from our kids. Because they are the only reason I have to be strong through all this. What would I have if I didn't have them? Nothing. They are Matt. And there is no greater comfort than that.

Oftentimes, it is said how "the stars aligned" when good things happen. It goes the same way for bad things. Probably even more so. Why did a farmer decide to take a tractor down the highway the very same day that Matt decided to stall his work day a little bit? Why didn't Matt just stay home like I suggested? Why did I choose THAT day to tell him to take a day off? And then the worst thing that could have ever happened, did. Why did he have to go to Starbucks first? Why did he have to choose THAT very minute to get distracted? The most crucial minute of our entire lives... and he had to pick up that damn phone. If we had never moved to North Carolina... if we bought a different house... if we chose that week to take our vacation... if Matt started his day like normal... if he had trouble finding his keys before he left the house... there are so many things that could have taken place that would have prevented this from happening. But instead, all the "right" (wrong) things happened that resulted in Matt's life ending. All in the blink of an eye.

I can't believe I lost him twice.

Your eyes foresaw my actions;
in your book all are written
down;
my days were shaped, before one
came to be.
Psalm 139:16