I saw his face.

I saw his face in my dreams last night. I was laying in bed, looking up at the ceiling and I just saw him. It felt so real that I had to think about whether or not it was a dream when I woke up. I'm not sure how to describe it. It was as though he was transparent and kind of fading in and out. All I could see was his face. And I don't think we communicated; we just looked at each other. He seemed peaceful.

Four years ago today.

I was sooo nervous.

Giddy.Happy.

I was marrying the man of my dreams. The boy I wanted to marry in high school.
Truly the best day of my life.
The next best day will be the day I die.
Don't worry, I can be patient.

I really had the coolest dream last night. We were outside, I think it was just me and my mom. I saw what looked like a combination of a funnel cloud and a sunset. It's kind of hard to explain but it was beautiful and I took out my phone so I could take a picture of it. Then, we vanished upwards into Heaven. I made the sign of the cross on my way, I had no idea what to expect. Then, I was in this room full of other people kneeling and praying and bowing their heads so I did the same. Everyone was Catholic. Then, John the Baptist was there, lol. And he was like the leader of our group. He asked me if Matt was here and I said yes. And I found Matt... and hugged him but he acted like he had just seen me and wasn't as excited to see me as I was to see him. And he had some other stuff to do because he was already "in" and I was like... in between earth and Heaven, lol. A noob, if you will. It was weird. But a nice dream overall. I woke up happy. Unfortunately, it was only a dream.

I am going to be disconnected this weekend as I am heading down to Grand Rapids. I will be back "home" on Sunday. I wish I could write more but I should really get going so it will have to wait.

What would we normally be doing today? Honestly, probably nothing too special. We might have celebrated this weekend instead of today. Today, we would be working, come home and order take-out from somewhere. But the simple things were always the best things. I love you, Matt.

A simple song.

It makes my day. I walked into the UPS store today and 'Amazed' by Lonestar was playing on the radio; one of our songs from high school. I remember dancing to it at Sweetheart Swirl. That song has always reminded me of Matt for that reason and it was so special to hear it by chance today. Is it a sign? I'd like to think it's Matt's way of saying, "Hello" or telling me he loves me... that he's still here, watching over me. I have to hold these little things close to my heart.

I called SSA today to get my address changed and stopped by SOS to figure out what I need to get my new license and plate.

There is a wedding coming up in November for which I've been mentally preparing myself. I've gone from, "No way" to "I think I can", lol. Or... "I HOPE I can," is probably more appropriate. Someone shared something with me today... (I asked other widows how it was attending a wedding after losing their spouse)

"But it was easier than I thought, I kept looking at them and thinking "this will happen to one of them too, I just hope not for a long long time". That made it easier. Suffering is inevitable, joy is not."

That's a good perspective. Times of great joy are actually few and far between compared to the times of sorrow, loss, hurt, rejection. It's going to be difficult but if I think even a small part of me can share in someone else's joy now, then hopefully in two more months it will be even more of an attainable thought. It's got to happen eventually. I conveniently lost my husband in the years where there's a pregnancy being announced or a baby being born or an engagement or a wedding happening every month (or a combination of the aforementioned events). I better get used to it.

I just realized something last night: Matt is with two of his siblings up there. I find that to be a comforting thought. I had a dream two nights ago that Matt had another brother and Kristen also dreamed that same night that they had another brother, too.

Last night I had another weird dream. This guy said, "We should go out sometime," and I said, "You think so?" Pause. Then I said, "I'll have to think about it." And I was still wearing my wedding rings. I don't love that dream at all. It was creepy, lol. Matt needs to come back to me. I pray for him every night. I made up this insane story that, because visiting me in my dreams takes so much work, he's saving up his energy to be with me on our anniversary, which... by the way, is Thursday. Yup, my first wedding anniversary of widowhood. I will get to spend it at my husband's grave. Four years. Doesn't that sound so pitiful? We got to celebrate three years married. Three. Now it's over just like that.

We spent our first anniversary in Charleston, SC. It was so much fun. We took a carriage ride and visited one of the plantations. We stayed at this quaint little hotel right in the heart of the city... a hotel Elvis Presley stayed once. We ate good food and took long walks around town. It was perfect.

Dream

I had one of the weirdest dreams with Matt last night. I'm pretty sure we were at a quidditch match (I watched Harry Potter before going to bed)... and Matt was there watching. He was wearing some kind of eccentrically-styled wizard wear. A striped shirt under a black coat. I went up to him and happily gave him a hug. He kind of shied away like he didn't want me to do that. I told him he was acting that way because his soul was gone. It was his body, but it wasn't the same Matt. I went on my own way and found someone else who brought me flowers and was really sweet. Matt followed me.

Transitory Phase

What am I doing? Relaxing. Reflecting. Thinking. Praying.

Until school starts, that's what I'm doing. I think Petoskey is the perfect place to do that, too. It is so quiet, peaceful, somewhat isolated and beautiful.

I'm going to enjoy this phase while it lasts because soon I will be delving into a new life in Grand Rapids. I will have school, therapy and support groups. But right now I just am.

I feel as though Matt and I have had similar challenges when I go back and read his accounts of his experience recovering from his accident. They are very different events; Matt’s was very much a physical AND emotional battle while mine is just emotional. But what his tragedy did for his faith is what my tragedy is doing for my faith. I suppose that God is most apparent through heartbreak. It seems somewhat contradictory but when all else fails you, God is the constant; God is what I have left when everything else has been stripped away. This has been a wake up call.

“You are my rock and my fortress, for your name’s sake lead and guide me.” –Psalm 31:4

I had another dream with Matt last night but I barely remember it. All I remember is that it was our anniversary and he "came back" for it. I know there was so much more to it and there was dialogue; it seemed kind of lengthy... but that's all I remember.

Dream

I did get my dream last night but it wasn't really him; he was just a character. I'm writing this early so it's relatively fresh in my mind.

I was going back to change the outcome of Matt's accident. It was basically like The Butterfly Effect, lol. It took me several tries. I was there at the scene of the accident and I saw Matt. I thought it didn't work this time but when the paramedics arrived on scene, Matt was conscious (barely). I don't know what I even did to change it. Somehow, his injuries were less severe on his head and it was mostly his chest.

Maybe I created this in my mind because one of the officers at SHP told me if Matt had been sitting up higher, he probably would have survived. And also because the medical examiner told me that tension pneumothorax was not the immediate cause of death (meaning, maybe if that's all it was, he could have been saved). If he had been sitting up higher, it also probably would have been a less severe case because that would have meant that there was more "car" in front of him to block the farm equipment (versus it coming through the windshield with nothing to block it).

Anyway, they put him on a stretcher and then I just remember being next to him while they worked to save him. I touched his arm and said something like, "I'm here. You're going to be okay." I think they were going to transport him via helicopter even though the accident took place literally right down the road from the hospital (which was lucky, all other possibilities considered).

Then I wondered if I made a mistake because I messed with the natural occurrence of events. Yes, I saved him, but what if it would end up worse than before somehow? What if he ended up in a vegetative state on life support or something? What if, because I saved him, now I would lose someone else instead (like one of our kids)? Because if you've seen The Butterfly Effect, every time he "fixed" one thing, something else would go wrong.

That's all I remember of my dream.

I try not to think about the future.

One day at a time is key. When I think about the future, it just puts a number in my head of days, weeks, years... and then I think about how long that is to be without Matt. It's pretty depressing to think of the future. So I try to keep my mind in the past and the present. I caught myself thinking tonight, "Let's say 20 years down the road..." and then I just wanted to erase that thought completely.

I'm starting to notice when my "crying times" are. It's either a.) while I'm driving or b.) while I'm laying in bed. I don't sob uncontrollably. I just softly cry for a matter of minutes. I was laying in bed with Noah tonight, waiting for him to fall asleep. I had my hand up, looking at our wedding rings. Then I just imagined Matt's wedding band on his ring finger. And then I imagined him holding my hand. And then I remembered our little "day date" that we had last Christmas. We went to lunch together and I held his hand walking through downtown Petoskey. We went to a little restaurant called The Twisted Olive. It was sooo yummy. We waited for a table FOREVER because it was packed. But it was worth the wait. We each got a sandwich and traded halves so we could try each other's. I was six months pregnant with Chloe at the time.

I haven't seen him in my dreams since the one where he basically told me that heaven is real... that was at least a week ago. I'll never forget the first dream he came to me two nights after he died and he told me that he was real (his presence in my dream). I miss him and I hope he can make the journey again sometime soon. I want to hug him again. Even if I only have him as a dream character, that's better than nothing at all.

I had to explain to a woman at the bank today my situation. Well, I didn't HAVE to, but I did. Because I still have my NC license so of course that always carries the question, "What brings you to Michigan?" It's a long story! But I almost always tell it. She even asked me what happened after I told her Matt was killed in a car accident. A lot of people don't ask for details. I really don't mind sharing at all, in fact, I like talking about it. I guess it's therapeutic in a way. So I told her... about what happened, how we have two very young kids, how our wedding anniversary is next week... I feel like I'm ruining people's day because they feel so sorry. I know that if someone had told me that happened to them, I would go home and share their story with Matt because it is just so heart wrenching; I would need to tell someone about it! But it is what it is. This time it's not someone else's sad story; it's mine. And the one person I would turn to for support is gone.

I know they say, "'Til death do you part", but I don't believe it.

Matt will always be my husband. And he'll always be with me even though I can't see him. There's nothing wrong with getting remarried but Matt is a tough act to follow. How could I ever replace my husband? I don't like that line... "'til death do you part" but I suppose it could be interpreted to mean in the physical sense. That's how I interpret it.

I went back to work yesterday. It was fine. I was really nervous to step back into the building where my entire life shattered to pieces in about one second. But it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I worked three hours.

I dreamed about Matt the last two nights. In the first one, the world was ending. I remember looking down at the ground and it was covered in fire. And then I was dead. But there was no fear or pain; and Matt was right there with me. He comforted me.

In the second one, I was at the funeral but Matt was with me. I was the only one who could see him.

My father in law and I are going to meet with the district attorney and first trooper on scene this morning. I'm not exactly sure what I expect to get out of this except for yet another affirmation of shitty North Carolina law. And I will probably ask what can I do to take steps (no matter how small) toward preventing this from happening again. And I will probably press the first trooper on scene for details, yet again.

The details are driving me crazy. I want to know everything despite the reality that "everything" isn't pretty. I can't even get images of what Matt looked like and what the car looked like out of my head. And I haven't seen either one. My mind is just making these images up from the descriptions I've been told. But even before asking for details, I would still imagine. So at least hearing what Matt looked like and what the car looked like... gives me a more accurate imagination. How that helps anything I don't know. I almost feel like something is wrong with me for wanting to know this stuff. But I want to know what happened to my husband.

"I have to tell Matt about this dream."

I just woke up from the second dream I've had where Matt survived. He was left worse off, of course... but he survived. And he was still able to walk and talk - just not as strong as before. His left hand had loss of feeling. We were walking, holding hands and we had to stop to get our fingers intertwined just right.

Actually, that is something we occasionally had to do if I was holding his right hand because he had loss of feeling in his fingers from his first accident. And I would sometimes help him put gloves on because he couldn't feel which holes they were going into... we would chuckle sometimes at his first attempt. Like a little kid trying to put on gloves. Matt was always so lighthearted about everything. Some days, I would help him to button the very top button of his shirt in the morning - it's that difficult one and gave him trouble sometimes.

So in my dream, he survived and it wasn't as long of a recovery. There was no drug-induced coma. But there were tiny scars across his chest and I remember he said that his shoulder blade had been shattered. But he made it.

He did have lots of tiny scars on his chest from his first accident... where wires & tubes had been held in place in the hospital. And he had scars from a feeding tube and tracheotomy. Noah would point to them and say "boo boo".

My first thought upon waking from this dream... for just a split second was, "I have to tell Matt about this dream." But then I remembered he was gone. How could I forget that for even a fraction of a second? Because I yearn so badly that it didn't have to be this way, I guess. But that miniscule length of time that I thought I should tell him about my dream sure was a nice one. A split-second of my old life. I'd always tell him about my dreams.

I frequently wonder what would it have taken for him to survive this. If he had veered left instead of right? If he had saw the tractor in time enough to apply his brakes some in order to lessen the impact? I doubt he had would have been any better off if he hadn't tried to avoid it and just went straight into the equipment. The first scenario I mentioned... going left instead of right... would have probably saved him - or at least given him a better chance. But he spared the other two cars that were in the left lane. If only they hadn't have been there. He could have gotten over in plenty of time knowing there was no one there. There's the "what if" demon again.

Chloe is getting baptized this morning. It is something Matt was working on the week he died. He contacted our favorite priest, Father Tom, that Monday to see if we could arrange her baptism for the week we were to visit at the end of August. I think Matt will definitely be there today. To watch his daughter get baptized; something he was really looking forward to. I wish he was there to hold that candle for her... but I'm sure he will be there doing so much more than that now - embracing us along with the Holy Spirit, watching over us, watching over Chloe. He will be there.

I miss you, Matt.

"Remember, I am with you always, until the end of time." Matthew 28:20

We are back to normal internet access after being at the cottage all weekend. I was sure to keep notes on my phone of thoughts I felt were important so that I could come back here to record them.

We were sitting around the bonfire on Sunday night, Matt's birthday, and I was feeling completely hopeless, my heart full of despair. All I could think about was how Matt should have been there with me. I would have been sitting in his embrace; wrapped in his arms. I was just envisioning what should have been - something I should eventually try not to do but I know I will be doing for a long time to come so I'm not going to fight it. Everywhere I look, I either picture what we did at one time, like when I look at the fireplace in his parents' house and see us sitting there taking family pictures at Christmastime, or what we should be doing if Matt was still here right now, like around the bonfire.

It started to rain a bit while we were sitting around that fire but we were beneath a large tree so it wasn't hitting us directly... just a light sprinkle. I laid my head on my knees and just prayed. I thanked God for giving me the strength to make it through one more day. I thanked Him for embracing Matthew. I promised Him I would continue to grow closer to Him each day. I also pray to Matt. I told him, whether or not he wants to hear it, I cannot wait to see him again. I am ready whenever God is ready... and I am far from afraid. When I lifted my head, the rain just stopped.

I oftentimes wonder if Matt sees me. Or if he is right here with me. I find that I just stare a lot. I look out the window and hope that maybe Matt will be out there - like that scene in Forrest Gump when he looks out the window and sees Jenny walking toward his house but then she fades away. I also stare at empty chairs sometimes and wonder if he's sitting there.

That night, during my feelings of hopelessness and despair, before it started to rain, we noticed something that looked like a shooting star but it was much too close to be that. It was right over the lake. I took it as a sign that Matt was there and it lifted my spirits. It seems he gives me these signs when I need them most; when I am feeling very low and sorrowful. As if to say, "I am right here, darling."

I wore his cross all day on Sunday since it was his birthday.

I read the book Heaven is for Real in less than 24 hours. It helped me. Helped give me hope... or at least strengthened my hope.

Hope that Matt is in a good place filled with love and comfort.

Hope that I will see him again one day.

And hope that he will recognize me and love me just as he had here on Earth.

Hope that he is waiting for me like I'm waiting for him. I can already see the look on his face when we are reunited. I know that look.

The rest of my life, no matter how short it may be, still seems far too long to be away from him. I hate to be impatient... I know our kids will need me for a long time... but it still hurts.

I dreamt about him last night. I remember when we would watch Spouse vs. House together. We would say to each other, "I can't IMAGINE having to go three weeks without seeing or talking to you!" I wish that's all it was. I would go a year if it meant we could be together again after that year was up. But now all I have are dreams. And I will take it. No matter what, I will always have my dreams.

We were laying on our sides, facing each other. It seems like it was outside but I don't know where. We held hands; kissed. But there was no dialogue. At least not that I remember. We just looked into eachother's eyes. Matt was wearing a white button-up shirt. It could have been the one he was buried in. Those dreams, no matter how short, are the sweetest moments now. So I will hold onto them.

"Remember, I am with you always, until the end of time." Matthew 28:20

Dear Matt,

Yesterday Noah got his first bloody lip. Well, I'm sure you saw it. Poor little man tripped in your parents' entryway and did a face plant on the tile! I stayed calm... Got him all cleaned up. He also got his first sliver out on the deck. That took some time but I finally was able to get it out this morning while your mom held him for me. He was such a trooper... A tough little guy just like you. I miss you so much, Matt. I keep looking for you. I can't help it. I love you.
Always yours,
Stephanie

I will probably not post for a little while. We are heading down to the cottage for a few days. Tomorrow is Matt's 28th birthday.

I have been checking his voicemail every now and then. Several of his clients have called and wondered where he was when he was scheduled to bring in lunch for an office. I called them back to inform them. Matt would have wanted me to do that. He cared so much about his offices. There is still a ton of chocolate in our freezer that he bought to bring to doctors, nurses and staff.

I find that I just stare out the window a lot and think about him. I look at his pictures and can't believe such a spirited, generous, handsome, loving father and husband is gone forever. The rest of my life seems like too long to be without him. But maybe the rest of my life isn't going to be as long as I think it will. Because I always thought everyone lived until they were old and wrinkled. Well, in reality I knew better but how could something like this happen to US? You just never think it could happen to you. Especially after all we've been through already. Maybe I've only got five years left. Maybe 50. Whatever the case, I will live how Matt would have wanted me to live until I die.

He always told me he wanted me to pray more. I remember one night not long before his death, I had gone to bed before he did but I woke up later, turned over and saw him praying on his knees next to the bed. I did that last night for the first time in my life.

I had a dream last night that I saved him. I went back in time and saved his life.

I don't really know how to end this one. I have two crying children who both need my attention. It is times like these I miss him most. :) Love you, Matt.