Raindrops dance on the leaves
like gentle fingers on a piano.
Today is Chloe's first day at daycare here. I can't believe how quiet the house is! I can just sit and stare in silence for as long as I like. I will be bringing her two days a week.
What is a sign from God? We were discussing the northern lights on Sunday night. I mentioned I had never seen them before. They mentioned they had never seen them here before. And the very next night, the starry sky was lit up with beautiful glimmering northern lights. We shut off all the house lights and walked outside. It was as though the pinnacle was right above us and it was like watching light dance across water, but up in the sky instead. It was amazing! I felt like it was a gift from Matt and a true sign from God.
Day three since my husband's death... the day I am ready to start documenting my thoughts. Any thoughts. Random thoughts. Honest thoughts.
Showing posts with label signs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label signs. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
11:11
I read that angels can communicate to us through numbers (and I wrote about it in a previous post). I am just going to accept it. I don't care how crazy it sounds. Because I happened to glance at the clock three separate times today: 11:11, 1:11 and 9:11.
I was going through Matt's Facebook and Xanga today... I was on a serious mission to collect any songs he shared so I could have a "Matt Mix" to remind me of him (and a lot of the songs are "our" songs). I started doing this a few days ago. Listening to his favorite songs makes me feel so happy. And I just happened to get one today where the lyrics spoke to me in a special way. It is "Run" by Snow Patrol, a song I haven't heard in a very long time. The chorus is mostly what caught my attention:
I was going through Matt's Facebook and Xanga today... I was on a serious mission to collect any songs he shared so I could have a "Matt Mix" to remind me of him (and a lot of the songs are "our" songs). I started doing this a few days ago. Listening to his favorite songs makes me feel so happy. And I just happened to get one today where the lyrics spoke to me in a special way. It is "Run" by Snow Patrol, a song I haven't heard in a very long time. The chorus is mostly what caught my attention:
Light up, Light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Monday, October 10, 2011
Paralyzed in thought
It's not hard to just find myself sitting, staring and thinking. Then it's difficult to break away.
We went to the farm in Clare this weekend (Matt's grandparents). The weather was most perfect. It was nice to be around family. But it was a new place without Matt. The last time I was there, we were together. Each new place without him is like another grieving process. It's like sub-grief; grief within grief. I was missing him terribly. I kept thinking about the first time he took me there. Kept thinking about how we should have been walking the property, holding hands. I have no one with whom to hold hands anymore. No one to hug, no one to kiss. No one to love like I loved Matt. It was all taken away in a heartbeat. I'm incomplete.
I know I've mentioned that I write to Matt in a journal. I wrote to him while I was upstairs laying with Chloe this weekend. This is probably a good glimpse at the types of thoughts I had so here is a part of what I wrote to him:
"Then I imagined you saying, 'I'm going to go check on Steph,' because that's what you would have done. Then I imagined you coming up the stairs, around the corner and your handsome face appearing in the doorway. You would have come lay on the bed next to Chloe so that she was between us. Just to talk."
I oftentimes wonder when my time will come and whether or not one tiny decision will ultimately lead to my death, like with Matt. I am sure that will fade over time but right now, I think about it. I just find it amazing. What were the odds?
I chose to wear Matt's cross all weekend. I usually wear it when I'm traveling. Actually, I always wear it when I'm traveling. I run my fingers over the indentation. I look at where it rests on my chest and think about how it was directly touched by the object that took Matt's life. I am fascinated with the fact that the cross was hit directly in the center. I found it fascinating from the first moment I saw it. Almost as if it were a sign from God Himself.
I hadn't cried intensely since the funeral. Until tonight. I think a lot of things just rose to the surface and I sobbed. Normally, I will weep tears and lightly cry. Ugh, it is bittersweet to cry like that. I know it's healthy but it also hurts. I guess it's a good kind of hurt. I think I involuntarily hold it in, especially since I'm around one or both kids 99% of the time and busy fulfilling their needs. If it's not that, I'm busy with some other task; anything from insurance paperwork to laundry. I have a never ending to-do list.
As I sat in this chair, crying uncontrollably, I lifted my head and my right earring fell out. That is weird because they clasp in such a way that it's like a hoop. It happened one other time when it was my last day packing in North Carolina. These earrings were a gift from Matt. I believe he got them for me for our one-year dating anniversary. I haven't taken them off since the funeral because I wore a different pair for that. But I wore them since the day he died up until then, too. Maybe it's just a reminder? A reminder that he is here and he loves me just as much now as he did when he was alive. It's the little signs like that... they keep me going.
When I was driving to the school to pick up Noah this afternoon, I saw a young couple walking down the sidewalk holding hands. All I can really think when I see things like that is, "They are so lucky." So lucky. What I would give to have Matt back. I'm empty-handed. I don't think anyone realizes how truly lucky they are to have that hand to hold unless they've lost it. How would they? There is no light without darkness. It's true, you don't know what you have until you have it no longer... when it becomes what you HAD. So the best thing that can be done in the present is to cherish and love with all your heart. It's the best thing that can be done. I still wish I would have treated every morning and every night like it was our last. And I'm sure it wouldn't have made a bit of difference because even then, I would still find something else to regret. It can never be perfect.
There is no perfect way to say goodbye.
We went to the farm in Clare this weekend (Matt's grandparents). The weather was most perfect. It was nice to be around family. But it was a new place without Matt. The last time I was there, we were together. Each new place without him is like another grieving process. It's like sub-grief; grief within grief. I was missing him terribly. I kept thinking about the first time he took me there. Kept thinking about how we should have been walking the property, holding hands. I have no one with whom to hold hands anymore. No one to hug, no one to kiss. No one to love like I loved Matt. It was all taken away in a heartbeat. I'm incomplete.
I know I've mentioned that I write to Matt in a journal. I wrote to him while I was upstairs laying with Chloe this weekend. This is probably a good glimpse at the types of thoughts I had so here is a part of what I wrote to him:
"Then I imagined you saying, 'I'm going to go check on Steph,' because that's what you would have done. Then I imagined you coming up the stairs, around the corner and your handsome face appearing in the doorway. You would have come lay on the bed next to Chloe so that she was between us. Just to talk."
I oftentimes wonder when my time will come and whether or not one tiny decision will ultimately lead to my death, like with Matt. I am sure that will fade over time but right now, I think about it. I just find it amazing. What were the odds?
I chose to wear Matt's cross all weekend. I usually wear it when I'm traveling. Actually, I always wear it when I'm traveling. I run my fingers over the indentation. I look at where it rests on my chest and think about how it was directly touched by the object that took Matt's life. I am fascinated with the fact that the cross was hit directly in the center. I found it fascinating from the first moment I saw it. Almost as if it were a sign from God Himself.
I hadn't cried intensely since the funeral. Until tonight. I think a lot of things just rose to the surface and I sobbed. Normally, I will weep tears and lightly cry. Ugh, it is bittersweet to cry like that. I know it's healthy but it also hurts. I guess it's a good kind of hurt. I think I involuntarily hold it in, especially since I'm around one or both kids 99% of the time and busy fulfilling their needs. If it's not that, I'm busy with some other task; anything from insurance paperwork to laundry. I have a never ending to-do list.
As I sat in this chair, crying uncontrollably, I lifted my head and my right earring fell out. That is weird because they clasp in such a way that it's like a hoop. It happened one other time when it was my last day packing in North Carolina. These earrings were a gift from Matt. I believe he got them for me for our one-year dating anniversary. I haven't taken them off since the funeral because I wore a different pair for that. But I wore them since the day he died up until then, too. Maybe it's just a reminder? A reminder that he is here and he loves me just as much now as he did when he was alive. It's the little signs like that... they keep me going.
When I was driving to the school to pick up Noah this afternoon, I saw a young couple walking down the sidewalk holding hands. All I can really think when I see things like that is, "They are so lucky." So lucky. What I would give to have Matt back. I'm empty-handed. I don't think anyone realizes how truly lucky they are to have that hand to hold unless they've lost it. How would they? There is no light without darkness. It's true, you don't know what you have until you have it no longer... when it becomes what you HAD. So the best thing that can be done in the present is to cherish and love with all your heart. It's the best thing that can be done. I still wish I would have treated every morning and every night like it was our last. And I'm sure it wouldn't have made a bit of difference because even then, I would still find something else to regret. It can never be perfect.
There is no perfect way to say goodbye.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
It will never get better.*
I will just learn to live with a hole in my heart.
(The graphic part isn't until the last paragraph.)
I drove past a billboard on the way back up to Petoskey on Sunday that read, "Thousands of men die from stubbornness each year." I don't know what it was for but I thought it was funny I happened to see it.
This is one of the most awkward things to think about but I do think about it: Dating, marriage, etc. When Matt died I thought, that's it. I'm living the rest of my life as a singleton. Maybe I'll date again one day but never marry again. I have one husband and he'll always be my husband -I am disregarding those vows "'til death do you part" - it's not that simple. If o nly it was that simple.
It's not a breakup. We loved each other and then he was taken. Without warning. It's not something I could ever "get over". This is my husband... the father of my children. I still can't imagine ever replacing him. Not literally replacing him, of course... but even the thought of someone else coming into the picture feels like an attempt at doing just that and I don't like it at all.
But this is where I'm at right now. Dating? I guess. Whatever. Maybe in 20 years (just kidding... but can't you tell I'm not too thrilled with the idea?). Marriage? I said I don't think I could ever get married again soon after I lost Matt but I guess now I'm slightly more open to the idea. I might do that for someone I cared enough about. But it's not really something I'm interested in, per say.
What about Noah and Chloe? I realize that should anyone ever come into the picture and stay in the picture, he would be the only "dad" they really know. I don't like that but it's the truth. Now I can really understand Emily from The Bachelor and how protective of her daughter she was (don't act like you don't watch The Bachelor). There is so much going on here that I am completely content staying single forever. It's just way too complicated otherwise. Someone would have to be pretty special for me to want to get into the complications that would rise out of that whole mess. And I can't see how I would ever get past comparing everyone to Matt, which is yet another issue entirely.
It seems really soon to be thinking about that stuff but several people have brought it up to me already. So it's kind of hard not to at least give it a little thought. But, truth be told, I did think of it very soon... because one of the first things that came into my head when I was told Matt died was how Noah and Chloe no longer have Daddy. And from there just came a million thoughts about this and that. Mainly, who is going to be there for them instead?
Say I do get married again one day. (1) Fully aware that means I could go through this again. It's worth it. (2) My rings stay. (3) My last name stays.
Speaking of the rings, I don't see how I could ever remove them. They are a special symbol of a very special love. It wasn't my choice to lose him. It wasn't his choice for me to lose him. I will wear these until I die. Plus, they're gorgeous.
Now, when I change my mind, it will be known.
Our headstone is so close to being finished. I made one last change to the second draft I was sent, and now I'm just waiting for the third draft so I can approve it! I was almost having second thoughts about the shape I chose because I was worried about Matt liking it, lol. Then I realized that he's not here and the least he could do was let me make it how I want it. So that's that. I'm doing it how I want to do it.
A random thing I miss about Matt: Quoting inappropriate lines from movies like The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Wedding Crashers, I Love You Man, etc. :( This is so sucky.
I called Trooper C. today just to say hi. I imagine it must be nice for him to hear from me; to know that I'm doing okay. He said he was really glad I called. I almost feel weird calling but, at the same time, I feel so compelled to maintain contact. He was there. I mean... he touched Matt's near-lifeless body in the car that was covered in his blood. I hate to be graphic but this is the reality of the situation. As an EMT, he did what he could until the paramedics arrived. And then, after all that, he came to tell me to my face that my husband was dead. He was one of the last people who ever saw Matt alive (unconscious, but still alive). I told him this - that I feel like he is one of the last connections to Matt's life I have. And by that I mean... his final moments. Those final moments.... I wasn't there but he was.
(The graphic part isn't until the last paragraph.)
I drove past a billboard on the way back up to Petoskey on Sunday that read, "Thousands of men die from stubbornness each year." I don't know what it was for but I thought it was funny I happened to see it.
This is one of the most awkward things to think about but I do think about it: Dating, marriage, etc. When Matt died I thought, that's it. I'm living the rest of my life as a singleton. Maybe I'll date again one day but never marry again. I have one husband and he'll always be my husband -I am disregarding those vows "'til death do you part" - it's not that simple. If o nly it was that simple.
It's not a breakup. We loved each other and then he was taken. Without warning. It's not something I could ever "get over". This is my husband... the father of my children. I still can't imagine ever replacing him. Not literally replacing him, of course... but even the thought of someone else coming into the picture feels like an attempt at doing just that and I don't like it at all.
But this is where I'm at right now. Dating? I guess. Whatever. Maybe in 20 years (just kidding... but can't you tell I'm not too thrilled with the idea?). Marriage? I said I don't think I could ever get married again soon after I lost Matt but I guess now I'm slightly more open to the idea. I might do that for someone I cared enough about. But it's not really something I'm interested in, per say.
What about Noah and Chloe? I realize that should anyone ever come into the picture and stay in the picture, he would be the only "dad" they really know. I don't like that but it's the truth. Now I can really understand Emily from The Bachelor and how protective of her daughter she was (don't act like you don't watch The Bachelor). There is so much going on here that I am completely content staying single forever. It's just way too complicated otherwise. Someone would have to be pretty special for me to want to get into the complications that would rise out of that whole mess. And I can't see how I would ever get past comparing everyone to Matt, which is yet another issue entirely.
It seems really soon to be thinking about that stuff but several people have brought it up to me already. So it's kind of hard not to at least give it a little thought. But, truth be told, I did think of it very soon... because one of the first things that came into my head when I was told Matt died was how Noah and Chloe no longer have Daddy. And from there just came a million thoughts about this and that. Mainly, who is going to be there for them instead?
Say I do get married again one day. (1) Fully aware that means I could go through this again. It's worth it. (2) My rings stay. (3) My last name stays.
Speaking of the rings, I don't see how I could ever remove them. They are a special symbol of a very special love. It wasn't my choice to lose him. It wasn't his choice for me to lose him. I will wear these until I die. Plus, they're gorgeous.
Now, when I change my mind, it will be known.
Our headstone is so close to being finished. I made one last change to the second draft I was sent, and now I'm just waiting for the third draft so I can approve it! I was almost having second thoughts about the shape I chose because I was worried about Matt liking it, lol. Then I realized that he's not here and the least he could do was let me make it how I want it. So that's that. I'm doing it how I want to do it.
A random thing I miss about Matt: Quoting inappropriate lines from movies like The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Wedding Crashers, I Love You Man, etc. :( This is so sucky.
I called Trooper C. today just to say hi. I imagine it must be nice for him to hear from me; to know that I'm doing okay. He said he was really glad I called. I almost feel weird calling but, at the same time, I feel so compelled to maintain contact. He was there. I mean... he touched Matt's near-lifeless body in the car that was covered in his blood. I hate to be graphic but this is the reality of the situation. As an EMT, he did what he could until the paramedics arrived. And then, after all that, he came to tell me to my face that my husband was dead. He was one of the last people who ever saw Matt alive (unconscious, but still alive). I told him this - that I feel like he is one of the last connections to Matt's life I have. And by that I mean... his final moments. Those final moments.... I wasn't there but he was.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Only You - A card from Matt
I was just looking through an expandable folder full of the notes I wrote to Matt in high school. I can't even believe he kept them. There are also some cards in there - all of them but one are from me to Matt. There is one in there from Matt to me on Valentine's Day 2006.
This is what he wrote in it:
Stephanie,
The past 13 and a half months have been amazing. The precious moments we've shared are unforgettable, & I cherish them so much! I love you with all my heart & soul, & will do so until I die, as well as in Heaven. Thank you for, well.... YOU!!
I couldn't have found this card at a better time.
This is what he wrote in it:
Stephanie,
The past 13 and a half months have been amazing. The precious moments we've shared are unforgettable, & I cherish them so much! I love you with all my heart & soul, & will do so until I die, as well as in Heaven. Thank you for, well.... YOU!!
I couldn't have found this card at a better time.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
One big test of faith
Being "home" is bittersweet. Like I said earlier, it doesn't feel too much like home anymore. I don't feel like this is our home. It's just a place where all of our stuff is. It is nice to be around his stuff, though. Just makes me feel closer to him. Even though it makes me miss him terribly at the same time.
I wore his cross today just so I had it close while traveling. When I took it off later after we had been home for a while, it was turned around again. The last time this happened was the morning of his funeral. I keep trying to find some obvious explanation for it, but I always clasp the necklace using my left hand. The clasp is in my left hand and I use my right hand to guide the other end onto it. So when I go to take off the necklace and find that I need to unclasp it using my right hand, I realize that the cross is facing the other way. I just think it's Matt there to comfort me when I need it most. And I REALLY needed it today. I love him so much. Even from the other side, he's there for me. I may not be able to physically touch him but I know he's here.
This is going to sound really crazy but I've seen hallucinations of him out of the corner of my eye several times. Like, just for a split second. Funny how the mind makes these things up when you yearn for them badly enough.
I'm wearing one of his t-shirts. I might as well get rid of all my pajama tees (well, the ones that don't remind me of him) because I will be wearing all of his! Same thing with his boxers. :) Actually, I didn't think of that tonight; I'm wearing my own shorts. Maybe I'll change before bed.
I'm thinking about getting a tattoo on the inside of my wrist that just says "Matthew 28:20" (small and easily concealable with a bracelet if need be for professional reasons). Feel free to tell me if that is a totally bad idea and I'll regret it later. I always thought tattoos were too permanent so I didn't have much of a desire to ever get one. But Matt is permanent - and anything that symbolizes him and my faith... how could I regret it? Matthew 28:20 is the last verse of that chapter and it simply says, "I am with you always, until the end of the age." So it kind of has a double meaning. And then from there, I have gone a little wild with the tat ideas. Like... getting John 3:16 on my side. But not just "John 3:16", the actual verse. And a small, simple cross on the back of my neck. I will let those marinate for a while... but I think the one on my wrist will happen first. And even that will be a ways down the road.
Tonight has been really difficult for getting Noah to bed. I'm not being super strict about it. I am not in the right place, emotionally, to make Noah cry at bedtime. Matt used to do this, most of the time... and I know Noah misses him. It's times like this where I really miss him. Because I get to thinking about him with the kids and it breaks my heart to know he won't be there to read bedtime stories anymore, tuck them in, kiss them goodnight. That is just one of the things about being home that weakens me.
I went through some his papers in the office. It was mostly achievements, awards, letters of recommendation, admirable sales records. Matt was a hard worker. He enjoyed what he did and he was good at it. I've seen numerous sentiments from his offices about what a joy he was, how kind he was, and how he often talked about us and showed off pictures of Noah and Chloe. It is so nice to see what a positive impact he had on his clients.
Tomorrow, I need to reschedule a dentist appointment, call about a medical bill in Matt's name that I have no idea about, go get Chloe's birth certificate, finish a bunch of paperwork, get packing supplies, call our realtor, call the church and call a counselor.
I wonder why this happened to me. I can't help but think this was just one big test of faith. It could have gone one of two ways... but Matt was such a man of faith that there was no way I could have rejected God in a time like this. Why would I turn away from Him when He has my Matthew? Matt is now with God and I want to do everything in my power to earn my place with them when my time comes. I'm going to trust in Him and I thank Him every night for giving me the strength to make it through one more day.
I wore his cross today just so I had it close while traveling. When I took it off later after we had been home for a while, it was turned around again. The last time this happened was the morning of his funeral. I keep trying to find some obvious explanation for it, but I always clasp the necklace using my left hand. The clasp is in my left hand and I use my right hand to guide the other end onto it. So when I go to take off the necklace and find that I need to unclasp it using my right hand, I realize that the cross is facing the other way. I just think it's Matt there to comfort me when I need it most. And I REALLY needed it today. I love him so much. Even from the other side, he's there for me. I may not be able to physically touch him but I know he's here.
This is going to sound really crazy but I've seen hallucinations of him out of the corner of my eye several times. Like, just for a split second. Funny how the mind makes these things up when you yearn for them badly enough.
I'm wearing one of his t-shirts. I might as well get rid of all my pajama tees (well, the ones that don't remind me of him) because I will be wearing all of his! Same thing with his boxers. :) Actually, I didn't think of that tonight; I'm wearing my own shorts. Maybe I'll change before bed.
I'm thinking about getting a tattoo on the inside of my wrist that just says "Matthew 28:20" (small and easily concealable with a bracelet if need be for professional reasons). Feel free to tell me if that is a totally bad idea and I'll regret it later. I always thought tattoos were too permanent so I didn't have much of a desire to ever get one. But Matt is permanent - and anything that symbolizes him and my faith... how could I regret it? Matthew 28:20 is the last verse of that chapter and it simply says, "I am with you always, until the end of the age." So it kind of has a double meaning. And then from there, I have gone a little wild with the tat ideas. Like... getting John 3:16 on my side. But not just "John 3:16", the actual verse. And a small, simple cross on the back of my neck. I will let those marinate for a while... but I think the one on my wrist will happen first. And even that will be a ways down the road.
Tonight has been really difficult for getting Noah to bed. I'm not being super strict about it. I am not in the right place, emotionally, to make Noah cry at bedtime. Matt used to do this, most of the time... and I know Noah misses him. It's times like this where I really miss him. Because I get to thinking about him with the kids and it breaks my heart to know he won't be there to read bedtime stories anymore, tuck them in, kiss them goodnight. That is just one of the things about being home that weakens me.
I went through some his papers in the office. It was mostly achievements, awards, letters of recommendation, admirable sales records. Matt was a hard worker. He enjoyed what he did and he was good at it. I've seen numerous sentiments from his offices about what a joy he was, how kind he was, and how he often talked about us and showed off pictures of Noah and Chloe. It is so nice to see what a positive impact he had on his clients.
Tomorrow, I need to reschedule a dentist appointment, call about a medical bill in Matt's name that I have no idea about, go get Chloe's birth certificate, finish a bunch of paperwork, get packing supplies, call our realtor, call the church and call a counselor.
I wonder why this happened to me. I can't help but think this was just one big test of faith. It could have gone one of two ways... but Matt was such a man of faith that there was no way I could have rejected God in a time like this. Why would I turn away from Him when He has my Matthew? Matt is now with God and I want to do everything in my power to earn my place with them when my time comes. I'm going to trust in Him and I thank Him every night for giving me the strength to make it through one more day.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
"Remember, I am with you always, until the end of time." Matthew 28:20
We are back to normal internet access after being at the cottage all weekend. I was sure to keep notes on my phone of thoughts I felt were important so that I could come back here to record them.
We were sitting around the bonfire on Sunday night, Matt's birthday, and I was feeling completely hopeless, my heart full of despair. All I could think about was how Matt should have been there with me. I would have been sitting in his embrace; wrapped in his arms. I was just envisioning what should have been - something I should eventually try not to do but I know I will be doing for a long time to come so I'm not going to fight it. Everywhere I look, I either picture what we did at one time, like when I look at the fireplace in his parents' house and see us sitting there taking family pictures at Christmastime, or what we should be doing if Matt was still here right now, like around the bonfire.
It started to rain a bit while we were sitting around that fire but we were beneath a large tree so it wasn't hitting us directly... just a light sprinkle. I laid my head on my knees and just prayed. I thanked God for giving me the strength to make it through one more day. I thanked Him for embracing Matthew. I promised Him I would continue to grow closer to Him each day. I also pray to Matt. I told him, whether or not he wants to hear it, I cannot wait to see him again. I am ready whenever God is ready... and I am far from afraid. When I lifted my head, the rain just stopped.
I oftentimes wonder if Matt sees me. Or if he is right here with me. I find that I just stare a lot. I look out the window and hope that maybe Matt will be out there - like that scene in Forrest Gump when he looks out the window and sees Jenny walking toward his house but then she fades away. I also stare at empty chairs sometimes and wonder if he's sitting there.
That night, during my feelings of hopelessness and despair, before it started to rain, we noticed something that looked like a shooting star but it was much too close to be that. It was right over the lake. I took it as a sign that Matt was there and it lifted my spirits. It seems he gives me these signs when I need them most; when I am feeling very low and sorrowful. As if to say, "I am right here, darling."
I wore his cross all day on Sunday since it was his birthday.
I read the book Heaven is for Real in less than 24 hours. It helped me. Helped give me hope... or at least strengthened my hope.
Hope that Matt is in a good place filled with love and comfort.
Hope that I will see him again one day.
And hope that he will recognize me and love me just as he had here on Earth.
Hope that he is waiting for me like I'm waiting for him. I can already see the look on his face when we are reunited. I know that look.
The rest of my life, no matter how short it may be, still seems far too long to be away from him. I hate to be impatient... I know our kids will need me for a long time... but it still hurts.
I dreamt about him last night. I remember when we would watch Spouse vs. House together. We would say to each other, "I can't IMAGINE having to go three weeks without seeing or talking to you!" I wish that's all it was. I would go a year if it meant we could be together again after that year was up. But now all I have are dreams. And I will take it. No matter what, I will always have my dreams.
We were laying on our sides, facing each other. It seems like it was outside but I don't know where. We held hands; kissed. But there was no dialogue. At least not that I remember. We just looked into eachother's eyes. Matt was wearing a white button-up shirt. It could have been the one he was buried in. Those dreams, no matter how short, are the sweetest moments now. So I will hold onto them.
"Remember, I am with you always, until the end of time." Matthew 28:20
We were sitting around the bonfire on Sunday night, Matt's birthday, and I was feeling completely hopeless, my heart full of despair. All I could think about was how Matt should have been there with me. I would have been sitting in his embrace; wrapped in his arms. I was just envisioning what should have been - something I should eventually try not to do but I know I will be doing for a long time to come so I'm not going to fight it. Everywhere I look, I either picture what we did at one time, like when I look at the fireplace in his parents' house and see us sitting there taking family pictures at Christmastime, or what we should be doing if Matt was still here right now, like around the bonfire.
It started to rain a bit while we were sitting around that fire but we were beneath a large tree so it wasn't hitting us directly... just a light sprinkle. I laid my head on my knees and just prayed. I thanked God for giving me the strength to make it through one more day. I thanked Him for embracing Matthew. I promised Him I would continue to grow closer to Him each day. I also pray to Matt. I told him, whether or not he wants to hear it, I cannot wait to see him again. I am ready whenever God is ready... and I am far from afraid. When I lifted my head, the rain just stopped.
I oftentimes wonder if Matt sees me. Or if he is right here with me. I find that I just stare a lot. I look out the window and hope that maybe Matt will be out there - like that scene in Forrest Gump when he looks out the window and sees Jenny walking toward his house but then she fades away. I also stare at empty chairs sometimes and wonder if he's sitting there.
That night, during my feelings of hopelessness and despair, before it started to rain, we noticed something that looked like a shooting star but it was much too close to be that. It was right over the lake. I took it as a sign that Matt was there and it lifted my spirits. It seems he gives me these signs when I need them most; when I am feeling very low and sorrowful. As if to say, "I am right here, darling."
I wore his cross all day on Sunday since it was his birthday.
I read the book Heaven is for Real in less than 24 hours. It helped me. Helped give me hope... or at least strengthened my hope.
Hope that Matt is in a good place filled with love and comfort.
Hope that I will see him again one day.
And hope that he will recognize me and love me just as he had here on Earth.
Hope that he is waiting for me like I'm waiting for him. I can already see the look on his face when we are reunited. I know that look.
The rest of my life, no matter how short it may be, still seems far too long to be away from him. I hate to be impatient... I know our kids will need me for a long time... but it still hurts.
I dreamt about him last night. I remember when we would watch Spouse vs. House together. We would say to each other, "I can't IMAGINE having to go three weeks without seeing or talking to you!" I wish that's all it was. I would go a year if it meant we could be together again after that year was up. But now all I have are dreams. And I will take it. No matter what, I will always have my dreams.
We were laying on our sides, facing each other. It seems like it was outside but I don't know where. We held hands; kissed. But there was no dialogue. At least not that I remember. We just looked into eachother's eyes. Matt was wearing a white button-up shirt. It could have been the one he was buried in. Those dreams, no matter how short, are the sweetest moments now. So I will hold onto them.
"Remember, I am with you always, until the end of time." Matthew 28:20
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