I just made a decision

I'm going back to a counselor. I might look like I have all my pieces together on the outside and I like to pretend it's that way but it's really not. I am falling apart on the inside and it's so not cool that I need to do something about it. I want to move on from this. Maybe seeing a counselor will help me heal further.

And this time it's a MAN. Should be interesting... quite honestly, I feel more comfortable with a woman but I'll give it a try. It's the soonest I could get in (next Thursday).

When I envision my future, I'm happy. When I envision my future... I'm with someone else. I can imagine that far ahead. The kids are happy they have a dad... everything is perfect (although I know how quickly "perfect" can come and go). So maybe that's a step in the right direction. I can see myself happy one day, now it's just a matter of actually getting there. I don't know if I have unresolved grief... if I have pent up anger... I don't know what the deal is but I just don't feel right.

It needs to be addressed.

Time for a run.

Grief is a gift.

I have been struck down by tragedy. My entire life has changed. But I can see through the darkness. I am still lucky. I am lucky to have known Matt; to have loved him and to have been loved by him. I am lucky to have two beautiful children, who are a living piece of him. And I am lucky that I am closer to God than I’ve ever been before.

There is beauty in grief. Grief is a reflection of the love you had for someone. It is a feeling that leaves you so raw and so bare; you have nothing left to hide. It leaves you at your lowest point, from where you have nowhere to go but up. It makes you reevaluate your life; makes you regain appreciation for things you may have taken for granted before. In a way, grief is a gift. And it should be embraced; not hidden.

One big test of faith

Being "home" is bittersweet. Like I said earlier, it doesn't feel too much like home anymore. I don't feel like this is our home. It's just a place where all of our stuff is. It is nice to be around his stuff, though. Just makes me feel closer to him. Even though it makes me miss him terribly at the same time.

I wore his cross today just so I had it close while traveling. When I took it off later after we had been home for a while, it was turned around again. The last time this happened was the morning of his funeral. I keep trying to find some obvious explanation for it, but I always clasp the necklace using my left hand. The clasp is in my left hand and I use my right hand to guide the other end onto it. So when I go to take off the necklace and find that I need to unclasp it using my right hand, I realize that the cross is facing the other way. I just think it's Matt there to comfort me when I need it most. And I REALLY needed it today. I love him so much. Even from the other side, he's there for me. I may not be able to physically touch him but I know he's here.

This is going to sound really crazy but I've seen hallucinations of him out of the corner of my eye several times. Like, just for a split second. Funny how the mind makes these things up when you yearn for them badly enough.

I'm wearing one of his t-shirts. I might as well get rid of all my pajama tees (well, the ones that don't remind me of him) because I will be wearing all of his! Same thing with his boxers. :) Actually, I didn't think of that tonight; I'm wearing my own shorts. Maybe I'll change before bed.

I'm thinking about getting a tattoo on the inside of my wrist that just says "Matthew 28:20" (small and easily concealable with a bracelet if need be for professional reasons). Feel free to tell me if that is a totally bad idea and I'll regret it later. I always thought tattoos were too permanent so I didn't have much of a desire to ever get one. But Matt is permanent - and anything that symbolizes him and my faith... how could I regret it? Matthew 28:20 is the last verse of that chapter and it simply says, "I am with you always, until the end of the age." So it kind of has a double meaning. And then from there, I have gone a little wild with the tat ideas. Like... getting John 3:16 on my side. But not just "John 3:16", the actual verse. And a small, simple cross on the back of my neck. I will let those marinate for a while... but I think the one on my wrist will happen first. And even that will be a ways down the road.

Tonight has been really difficult for getting Noah to bed. I'm not being super strict about it. I am not in the right place, emotionally, to make Noah cry at bedtime. Matt used to do this, most of the time... and I know Noah misses him. It's times like this where I really miss him. Because I get to thinking about him with the kids and it breaks my heart to know he won't be there to read bedtime stories anymore, tuck them in, kiss them goodnight. That is just one of the things about being home that weakens me.

I went through some his papers in the office. It was mostly achievements, awards, letters of recommendation, admirable sales records. Matt was a hard worker. He enjoyed what he did and he was good at it. I've seen numerous sentiments from his offices about what a joy he was, how kind he was, and how he often talked about us and showed off pictures of Noah and Chloe. It is so nice to see what a positive impact he had on his clients.

Tomorrow, I need to reschedule a dentist appointment, call about a medical bill in Matt's name that I have no idea about, go get Chloe's birth certificate, finish a bunch of paperwork, get packing supplies, call our realtor, call the church and call a counselor.

I wonder why this happened to me. I can't help but think this was just one big test of faith. It could have gone one of two ways... but Matt was such a man of faith that there was no way I could have rejected God in a time like this. Why would I turn away from Him when He has my Matthew? Matt is now with God and I want to do everything in my power to earn my place with them when my time comes. I'm going to trust in Him and I thank Him every night for giving me the strength to make it through one more day.

I'm in our house.

I keep envisioning Matt walking through the front door with his laptop bag, sunglasses on, dressed up in a suit as if he had just gotten home from work saying, "Hey!" "Hey buddy!" to Noah... as Noah runs toward him saying, "Dada!"

Like... is this seriously real? I will never see that again, will I? It's just hard to believe, that's all. It's hard not to look at the front door and expect him to walk in any minute.

So now I'm back and now the long process begins... getting everything sorted out. Cleaning up the life we built here and starting all over again in Michigan. Alone. And by alone, I mean... without Matt. I know I won't really be alone. I am so lucky to have all the support from family and friends that I do. But Matt won't be there. I always thought about how lucky I was to have him. And about how I don't know what I would do without him. Well, I guess now I better figure that out.

Here in Greenville, I'll continue to send the kids to daycare while I work part-time. Hopefully that will allow me to pack everything up and get the house on the market in a relatively short period of time. Then I'll move back to Michigan.

I'm going to look for jobs back in Grand Rapids. I will be living in Petoskey until I find something. Then, when I do find something, I will have to line up daycare and take up residence with some family down there until I feel comfortable moving out on my own with these two little ones. I'm scared for what the future holds but having a rough plan makes it slightly easier.

We visited Matt's grave last night. Even though he is not necessarily there, it's still a nice place to go to pray and reflect. This weekend, our church down here is holding a Memorial Mass for Matt. And then we will go put up a cross at the site of the accident. I like doing things to remember him... it just makes me feel good.