I'm in our house.

I keep envisioning Matt walking through the front door with his laptop bag, sunglasses on, dressed up in a suit as if he had just gotten home from work saying, "Hey!" "Hey buddy!" to Noah... as Noah runs toward him saying, "Dada!"

Like... is this seriously real? I will never see that again, will I? It's just hard to believe, that's all. It's hard not to look at the front door and expect him to walk in any minute.

So now I'm back and now the long process begins... getting everything sorted out. Cleaning up the life we built here and starting all over again in Michigan. Alone. And by alone, I mean... without Matt. I know I won't really be alone. I am so lucky to have all the support from family and friends that I do. But Matt won't be there. I always thought about how lucky I was to have him. And about how I don't know what I would do without him. Well, I guess now I better figure that out.

Here in Greenville, I'll continue to send the kids to daycare while I work part-time. Hopefully that will allow me to pack everything up and get the house on the market in a relatively short period of time. Then I'll move back to Michigan.

I'm going to look for jobs back in Grand Rapids. I will be living in Petoskey until I find something. Then, when I do find something, I will have to line up daycare and take up residence with some family down there until I feel comfortable moving out on my own with these two little ones. I'm scared for what the future holds but having a rough plan makes it slightly easier.

We visited Matt's grave last night. Even though he is not necessarily there, it's still a nice place to go to pray and reflect. This weekend, our church down here is holding a Memorial Mass for Matt. And then we will go put up a cross at the site of the accident. I like doing things to remember him... it just makes me feel good.