An Opportunity

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I'm going to do with my life. In the long run, that is. Before, I was happy where I was, working because I wanted to. Working in a fairly laid-back office environment with good flexibility (which was great because if someone had to go pick up a sick child from daycare, it was me 99% of the time). Once we had two, I worked to keep them in daycare because I wanted to. But, yes, the majority of my salary went towards tuition! However, it worked for us and I didn't want to stay at home.

Needless to say, Matt was our provider. And he worked very hard. I always admired his work ethic although, at times, I will admit that I just wanted to be with him. Because that's how hard he worked... it seemed it was almost nonstop sometimes. Well, now I have to be the provider. Not only that, but I have decided to look at my "new" life this way: I am being given the opportunity to essentially start over. I didn't die with Matt literally, but... in a way, I did die with Matt. That entire life we had together is gone. So now what? This major, unwelcome change is actually an opportunity for me to really think about what I was put on this earth to do. Because clearly, it wasn't what I was doing before. And Matt will be right there watching over me so whatever I decide to do, I want to be sure I make him proud. I know he's already proud of me in the way I have turned to God during a tragedy where some would turn away... but I want to continue down that path. I want to live my life for him because his was cut short. I should be looking at the rest of my life as a gift, not a curse.

He always encouraged me to further my education and career, to push myself to do great things. Of course, not right now necessarily, being that we had two very young kids that require a lot of attention... but over the course of my life. So I think I'm going to do that. I have thought a lot about it in the last few days. It is quite early; I don't anticipate going back to school for at least another year while I get everything else in my "new" life established... but I think I'm going to do it in the future. Not only for him but for myself. I have a new perspective on life, I just experienced a great loss - I think I can take the energy from my grief and sorrow and direct it towards making positive changes in others' lives.

Your life is not a gift to yourself, it's a gift to others. So what am I going to do with it?

We will see. I'm thinking early, as I said... but if there ever was a time to change my life's path, this is it. Maybe this is my purpose.