"Memories"

I was in the office transferring our files to the plastic bins I bought yesterday. I got to a folder labeled "Memories". I had no idea such a file existed. Matt was our filing expert; he was in charge of all the paperwork.

I decided to look through it and my discovery brought a smile to my face. A bunch of cards I had gotten for him. The program from Easter Vigil Mass when I became Catholic. Various notes from him. Little pictures I drew for him. And what made me the happiest... a TON of the songs he wrote for me. They are from when he played an acoustic show downtown in December 2005... it was his "set list". I looked over them and teared up when I came to one line in particular...

We can dance this floor until our faces grow old

That really got me. I can still hear the exact way he sings it in my mind. It's from a song called "The Dance". It is a very sweet song. One of my favorites he ever wrote for me. I'll talk about favorites again in a minute but first I just want to try to describe the feelings I get when I encounter memories (both in my mind and the tangible things). It makes me happy and brings a smile to my face but at the same time it feels like a punch in the stomach. It is a very uncomfortable feeling. Cherishing all of these memories and seeing evidence of how much we loved each other; I find joy in it, but with it comes the realization that there will be no more. Ever. Not in this life. Not like this. It makes me almost feel sick.

Matt also wrote a Christmas song for me entitled "Christmas Angel".

Here is a little note he left for me one morning.

Good morning, Sweetie,
Just dropping a note to remind you of how much I adore you.
How many times can
I say it without it
sounding "old"?
I love you and
you complete me.
Eternally yours,
Matthew

He is eternally mine and I am eternally his. There must be something bigger and better waiting for us on the other side.

I can't get over how sweet it is to find this folder. Matt saved all this stuff! And I had no idea!

So back to my favorite songs. I actually found a list I made. I think he asked me to rank all the songs he wrote about me so here it is:

1. The Dance (it is so amazingly sweet; I hope I can find a recording of it somewhere so help me God)
2. The Name on the Radio
3. All My Love
4. 360 Degrees (talks about his car accident and our reunion; the first song he ever wrote for me)
5. The Moon
6. My Guardian Angel
7. Guardian Angel, pt. II
8. Your Voice
9. What Could Be Better?
10. The Story That We Dreamed Of
11. I Love...

There they are. Even if I don't find the recordings, at least I have all the lyrics and most of them have the chords/notes above them, too. There are some songs not on that list that he must have written afterward (like Christmas Angel).

But anyway, last thing - I found an envelope with a letter inside that I wrote to him. On the envelope it says, "The Many Reasons - Rebuttal". Then I remembered the letter that he wrote to me first with "The Many Reasons" why he loved me. I can't even tell you how much I wish I knew where that was right now! But here is what mine says (bear in mind this was written in college - some of these are funny):

My Reply <3
I love...
Your ambition to succeed in this world
When you call just to know that all is well with us so you can sleep with a "clear conscience"
The way you look when you break in pool... sexy
Your taste in music & how you love to share all the new bands with me
How you apologize for things that you think upset me, when really, I'm the one who should apologize... so cute
Knowing that you love me & care for me with all your heart because you show it
The yummy food you make for me... & the way you pretend to like my food even though it's the complete opposite of "yummy"
How you are so protective of the women in your life... & the way you talk about killing other guys who check me out =)
The songs you write & being the first one to hear them in the making
Your smiles
Your "pretty boy" sense of fashion... now that's hott!
That you wear your heart on your sleeve <3
The way it feels to be wrapped in your arms & trapped in your gaze
When you do anything you can to make me feel better if I'm under the weather
Your crazy eating habits... it's a quirk that makes you Matt
The way you look with no shirt on... yum
Making out with you
The way you pressure me to study despite the fact that it seems to annoy me
How comfortable we are together

I love these things about you & more
What makes it even sweeter, is that we both know, without any doubts, that we love each other unconditionally
I love you <3

If I can't find his "many reasons" to me, I will be very sad... but at least I have the one I wrote to him. =)

Matt is my SOUL MATE and no one else could ever come CLOSE. I was the luckiest girl in the world and I guess, in a way, I still am. We will be together again.