It's one of those days where I'm thinking...

My husband is gone, my best friend is gone, my kids' father is gone, my life sucks.

Now that I have that out of my system...

I called the tattoo shop today and he said they CAN tattoo someone who is breastfeeding but they advise against it. And if I felt like I truly NEEDED it now, I would need to bring written permission from my doctor. The chance of a staph infection is really small but, if I got one, it would pass to Chloe through my milk so I'm going to just wait. I plan on weaning her in the spring so I'm going to set a goal of having her weaned by my 27th birthday so I can get one for my birthday. :) That will be my gift from Matt, lol.

I'm going computer shopping this weekend. I will definitely miss Matt, the computer guru. I don't feel right going to buy a new computer without him. But I kind of need one. I'm currently using a five-year-old laptop that Matt bought when he worked for Dell. It had turned into our crappy computer that I used as a cookbook in the kitchen or gave to Noah to play with. Thank goodness it still works. But it's definitely on its way out. Even a piece of the corner is chipped off, lol. Oh, and it doesn't hold a battery charge anymore. It must be plugged in to function.

I have listened to this song for a while now and I finally just took notice of the actual lyrics the other day:



Side note: There are clips from The Passion in there. I remember when Matt and I watched that movie together at his apartment. It was my first (and only) time seeing it. I was so affected by it and Matt told me I was feeling the Holy Spirit. I can't remember if I was baptized at that point or not (if not, I was close). That memory just sticks out to me.

The hurt.

It's easy to recreate that feeling I experienced on July 20 when I received the news. That hollow, painful feeling
in my chest. It's just about enough to bring me to my knees. It's like an inner collapse. I think about it often.
I still think about all the things we left undone. And then... just like that, it was over.No goodbyes. No warning.
He was just gone.

I wonder what Matt would have done if it was me instead. This sucks so bad, I'm so glad it wasn't. I would never
want this for him. But I wonder.

We almost went to Italy in February 2009. It was Matt's #1 place he wanted to visit. Rome, to be exact. I looked at tours, corresponded with a travel agent... and then we decided we should spend our money on other things we NEEDED instead. We would go again another time for sure. We had the rest of our lives.

I wrote "I miss you" on the foggy bathroom mirror this morning when I got out of the shower. Not being able to talk to him anymore sucks. It's not like he went away and will be coming back and we can still text or write or call. I still have this need to talk to him somehow. So I will try anything. I talk out loud, I pray, I write, I still post on his Facebook, and now... I write on the mirror. I'm desperate.

I know he was in one of my dreams last night but I can't remember anything about it. But the fact that he was there is kind of a relief because I really haven't dreamed about him in a long time, it seems. I wish he would visit me again.

I'm going to call the tattoo shop tomorrow to see if they have a policy against tattooing someone who is breastfeeding. :D Because, if not... I'm going to get my first one on Saturday. :O If so, I will have to wait until next spring. :/ But that's okay. Either way, I'm excited to get it. I want to have Matt's memory permanently inked in my skin. He'll always be a part of me.

One big test of faith

Being "home" is bittersweet. Like I said earlier, it doesn't feel too much like home anymore. I don't feel like this is our home. It's just a place where all of our stuff is. It is nice to be around his stuff, though. Just makes me feel closer to him. Even though it makes me miss him terribly at the same time.

I wore his cross today just so I had it close while traveling. When I took it off later after we had been home for a while, it was turned around again. The last time this happened was the morning of his funeral. I keep trying to find some obvious explanation for it, but I always clasp the necklace using my left hand. The clasp is in my left hand and I use my right hand to guide the other end onto it. So when I go to take off the necklace and find that I need to unclasp it using my right hand, I realize that the cross is facing the other way. I just think it's Matt there to comfort me when I need it most. And I REALLY needed it today. I love him so much. Even from the other side, he's there for me. I may not be able to physically touch him but I know he's here.

This is going to sound really crazy but I've seen hallucinations of him out of the corner of my eye several times. Like, just for a split second. Funny how the mind makes these things up when you yearn for them badly enough.

I'm wearing one of his t-shirts. I might as well get rid of all my pajama tees (well, the ones that don't remind me of him) because I will be wearing all of his! Same thing with his boxers. :) Actually, I didn't think of that tonight; I'm wearing my own shorts. Maybe I'll change before bed.

I'm thinking about getting a tattoo on the inside of my wrist that just says "Matthew 28:20" (small and easily concealable with a bracelet if need be for professional reasons). Feel free to tell me if that is a totally bad idea and I'll regret it later. I always thought tattoos were too permanent so I didn't have much of a desire to ever get one. But Matt is permanent - and anything that symbolizes him and my faith... how could I regret it? Matthew 28:20 is the last verse of that chapter and it simply says, "I am with you always, until the end of the age." So it kind of has a double meaning. And then from there, I have gone a little wild with the tat ideas. Like... getting John 3:16 on my side. But not just "John 3:16", the actual verse. And a small, simple cross on the back of my neck. I will let those marinate for a while... but I think the one on my wrist will happen first. And even that will be a ways down the road.

Tonight has been really difficult for getting Noah to bed. I'm not being super strict about it. I am not in the right place, emotionally, to make Noah cry at bedtime. Matt used to do this, most of the time... and I know Noah misses him. It's times like this where I really miss him. Because I get to thinking about him with the kids and it breaks my heart to know he won't be there to read bedtime stories anymore, tuck them in, kiss them goodnight. That is just one of the things about being home that weakens me.

I went through some his papers in the office. It was mostly achievements, awards, letters of recommendation, admirable sales records. Matt was a hard worker. He enjoyed what he did and he was good at it. I've seen numerous sentiments from his offices about what a joy he was, how kind he was, and how he often talked about us and showed off pictures of Noah and Chloe. It is so nice to see what a positive impact he had on his clients.

Tomorrow, I need to reschedule a dentist appointment, call about a medical bill in Matt's name that I have no idea about, go get Chloe's birth certificate, finish a bunch of paperwork, get packing supplies, call our realtor, call the church and call a counselor.

I wonder why this happened to me. I can't help but think this was just one big test of faith. It could have gone one of two ways... but Matt was such a man of faith that there was no way I could have rejected God in a time like this. Why would I turn away from Him when He has my Matthew? Matt is now with God and I want to do everything in my power to earn my place with them when my time comes. I'm going to trust in Him and I thank Him every night for giving me the strength to make it through one more day.