Memories in clothes

I am going through the packing process again. On a slightly lesser scale but as I was packing up my clothes today, I just kept stopping on certain things that I had when Matt was alive. Like a dress that I wore to a wedding and I remembered us dancing together. A dress that he bought for me in Hawaii and I remember wearing it on our honeymoon in Aruba. The sweater he got me for Christmas last year when I was pregnant. Tops that I wore often when I was pregnant with Noah. A couple of tops that I bought shortly before he died. Some graphic tees I bought while we were shopping in Myrtle Beach together. Same thing with a hoodie. A nightshirt that he got me on our first (well, technically second if you count high school) Valentine's Day together. All these little memories made me stop and think so packing up my clothes has been a day-long process. I haven't even started on the kids' clothes yet. Or anything else for that matter.

The shirt I was wearing the day he died... I got rid of it in North Carolina. And the pants, too. I never wanted to see those clothes again.

So yes... moving again. And it's not the last time. We are moving to a "temporary home" about 30-40 minutes north of Grand Rapids. It's a nice homey cottage on the lake. We already stayed there one weekend to test it out. It is so cute. It will be an hour long commute to Grand Valley every day (and an hour back) but... it's temporary, like I said. I'm sure there will be times that we stay in Rockford, too.

One more step away from our old lives. It's weird. I miss Matt. We would be hanging out at home right now. Probably eating dinner. Then one of us would go give Noah a bath and we would all read bedtime stories together. Miss him tons.

Just two things

I got my new and improved Michigan plate in the mail this week. Years ago, when Matt drove a Pontiac Grand Am in college, he had a license plate that said, "FR NOT". It was "Fear not" after Isaiah 41:10, which reads:

Fear not, I am with you;

be not dismayed; I am your God.

I will strengthen you, and help you,

and uphold you with my right

hand of justice.

So, I give you...

(FEARNOT was taken.)

I randomly decided to watch our wedding video today. I ended up laughing and smiling more than crying but, in the end, I was left feeling pretty sad and hopeless. That went pretty much as expected anyway. I decided to write down a few things as I watched, and that kind of distracted me from bawling the entire way through. Well that, plus Chloe is extra mad and teething and devilish today so that distracted me, too.

As soon as the video began, I started to cry... before the actual procession. This was just during the seating of the grandparents while Tom was singing Ave Maria. That's when I had the idea of writing down some memories and things because I remember the way I felt so nervous and excited when I was in the back of the church and I heard Tom start to sing. I was like, "Wow, it's starting!"

Matt looked over at me right before we started singing the opening song and he said into my ear, "You look beautiful."

My shoulders looked awesome from taking pilates and yoga that summer.

I noticed that sometimes I kind of look like Ginnifer Goodwin.

I loved my dress. I still love my dress.

Our vows were, "I, Matthew/Stephanie, take you, Stephanie/Matthew, to be my wife/husband. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life."

And when we put the rings on it was, "Stephanie/Matthew, take this ring as a sign of my love and fidelity in the name of the father, the son and the holy Spirit."

I just kept watching Matt and thinking, "There's my sweetheart. There's my baby. Gone forever."

I also kept taking notice of all the couples who had been together for a long time and thinking about how lucky they are and how jealous I am of them. That will never be us.

Matt's brother, Tom, was the best man and my best friend, Amber, was my maid of honor. Tom talked about how I visited him at the rehab center while he was recovering from his first car accident. He was conscious but he couldn't talk yet. And so when I left, Matt looked at Tom confused and Tom said, "Are you wondering why she didn't give you a kiss goodbye? You broke up with her the day before your accident." He concluded by saying, "The car accident was God's way of saying, 'Matt, don't be an idiot. This is the girl you need to spend the rest of your life with.'" And that he did.

Amber talked about how Matt and I first met. And shared the story about how I French kissed Matt in front of the entire swim team. Haha... that was funny. We were so dramatic.

Matt sung into my ear during our first dance. Just like he did when we went to our high school dance together.

He gets major props for pulling my garter off with his teeth.

And also for busting out his Michael Jackson dance moves. I love that I have that to show our kids.

I love how all of our bridesmaids and groomsmen said something to us and I love what Matt said to me. I can't remember what it was; I wanted to type it out but Chloe was preventing me from being able to do so. At the beginning he said, "The first time I saw Stephanie walk down the aisle she took my breath away. She is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my life. Stephanie, I'm so thankful for you and for your kindness and lovingness..." (I think maybe he made up a word) and that's where I left it. I just remember at the end he said, "I love you, honey."

We were so perfect for each other. Damn it.

I am so glad we got a videographer for our wedding. So so glad. Being in the position I'm in now... I would tell everyone to get a good videographer and a good photographer on their wedding day. If I knew way back then what I know now... I would have also taken the option to have the videographer film the photo session, too. I also would have done professional family pictures at least four times a year. I'm thankful we had them done when we did though. Especially that last family/maternity session we did in February. There are some priceless pictures in there of Matt and Noah together.

I'll include a retrospective of our wedding. It is played to our first dance song, "Such A Way" by Stephen Kellogg and the Sixers.

My light

In a world filled with corruption, infidelity, manipulation, dishonesty...

Matt was my knight in shining armor. He was my best friend. My rock. I know (knew) he would never hurt me or leave me. He was my light in a world filled with darkness. I could always depend on him.

On this DVD of his entitled "Original Songs", there is a folder called "Incomplete". It's just a bunch of songs, recordings, poems, etc. he never finished. There is a song in there called I Love from 2005.

[Edit: I found a complete version of the song... even better!]

I Love

By; Matt Hales

Verse:

G B/G C/G Dsus2

I love you for, your care-free soul,

G B/G C/G Dsus2

When you call, “do you need anything”

G B/G C/G Dsus2

Your desire to take care of me

G B/G C/G Dsus2

You are the fire and the light of my eyes

Pre-Chorus:

C/G Dsus2 G F#/G Em

Wrap your arms around me, so I may feel your touch

C/G Dsus2

Enfold myself in you, I become lost

Verse 2:

G B/G C/G Dsus2

For cognizance of the arts

G B/G C/G Dsus2

Music, art, film, your fascination in wine

G B/G C/G Dsus2 G

The questions you have, about God and his work in our lives

B/G C/G Dsus2

I love you,

Pre-Chorus 2:

Chorus:

Em C G F#/G

I love you more than the stars in the sky

Em C G Dsus2

More than the moon, that you make me fly by

Em C G F#/G

When you look in, into my eyes I get

Em C G Dsus2 C/G Dsus2

Lo---st, your beauty captures my soul – I beg of you – Hypnotize me tonight

Verse 3:

G B/G C/G Dsus2

I love you for those midnight reminders

G B/G C/G Dsus2

That keep me from a hospital bed

G B/G C/G Dsus2 G

The way you gently wipe the sleep from my eyes

B/G C/G Dsus2 G F#/G

Proclaiming they’re the only pair you can see

Pre-Chorus 3:

Em C/G G F#/G Em

Gaze into each other’s eyes for hours on end

Em C/G G Dsus2

That look tells me you love me, I need not hear your words

Chorus:

Bridge 1: Instrumental

Bridge 2: With harmonics

You are

the air I breathe

The water I drink

The blanket that warms me

Without you, I’d suffocate

Dehydrate or freeze

Without you

Without you I would bleed

Bridge:

Chorus (Alt lyrics):

I love your sensual touch

When you ask me to play for you

We kiss, and our lips become one

I love these things about you and more

In so many ways

I love you

"Your midnight reminders that keep me from the hospital" ~ He is talking about me reminding him to take his seizure medication at night. He was supposed to take it around the same times every day.

I took a life lesson from the movie My Best Friend's Wedding (great movie). It's when Michael and Julianne are on the boat and he says, "When you feel something you say it right then and there or else the moment just passes you by." Don't hate on the fact that that came from a chick flick. It's a good chick flick. And it's a good piece of advice. I've always tried to live by it and I am glad I have. Anytime I thought about how much I loved Matt, I told him as soon as the thought entered my mind. And he did the same for me. Now he's gone. But I will always remember doing that. I will especially always the remember the random times he would tell me sweet things. It's the most simple thing, telling the person you love how you feel. I didn't tell him I loved him that morning but I've come to realize that it doesn't matter. Because if I had, it would have been more of a routine thing. The moments where I truly spoke from my heart are the moments that really matter.

First night alone

I do believe this is my first night completely alone since Matt's death. With the kids, I mean. It has been going okay. I really thought it was going to be a long night but thankfully, Noah went to sleep at his usual time. Chloe is still up, which is typical.

I really miss Matt. I miss the days when it was the four of us. Our perfect little family of four.

If I could see him again... that would be the best thing in the world. I wish we could have lived together forever. I wish we didn't have to lose our loved ones. I wish he could have watched his children grow up. I wish they could grow up with their daddy.

The hurt.

It's easy to recreate that feeling I experienced on July 20 when I received the news. That hollow, painful feeling
in my chest. It's just about enough to bring me to my knees. It's like an inner collapse. I think about it often.
I still think about all the things we left undone. And then... just like that, it was over.No goodbyes. No warning.
He was just gone.

I wonder what Matt would have done if it was me instead. This sucks so bad, I'm so glad it wasn't. I would never
want this for him. But I wonder.

We almost went to Italy in February 2009. It was Matt's #1 place he wanted to visit. Rome, to be exact. I looked at tours, corresponded with a travel agent... and then we decided we should spend our money on other things we NEEDED instead. We would go again another time for sure. We had the rest of our lives.

I wrote "I miss you" on the foggy bathroom mirror this morning when I got out of the shower. Not being able to talk to him anymore sucks. It's not like he went away and will be coming back and we can still text or write or call. I still have this need to talk to him somehow. So I will try anything. I talk out loud, I pray, I write, I still post on his Facebook, and now... I write on the mirror. I'm desperate.

I know he was in one of my dreams last night but I can't remember anything about it. But the fact that he was there is kind of a relief because I really haven't dreamed about him in a long time, it seems. I wish he would visit me again.

I'm going to call the tattoo shop tomorrow to see if they have a policy against tattooing someone who is breastfeeding. :D Because, if not... I'm going to get my first one on Saturday. :O If so, I will have to wait until next spring. :/ But that's okay. Either way, I'm excited to get it. I want to have Matt's memory permanently inked in my skin. He'll always be a part of me.

It will never get better.*

I will just learn to live with a hole in my heart.

(The graphic part isn't until the last paragraph.)

I drove past a billboard on the way back up to Petoskey on Sunday that read, "Thousands of men die from stubbornness each year." I don't know what it was for but I thought it was funny I happened to see it.

This is one of the most awkward things to think about but I do think about it: Dating, marriage, etc. When Matt died I thought, that's it. I'm living the rest of my life as a singleton. Maybe I'll date again one day but never marry again. I have one husband and he'll always be my husband -I am disregarding those vows "'til death do you part" - it's not that simple. If o nly it was that simple.

It's not a breakup. We loved each other and then he was taken. Without warning. It's not something I could ever "get over". This is my husband... the father of my children. I still can't imagine ever replacing him. Not literally replacing him, of course... but even the thought of someone else coming into the picture feels like an attempt at doing just that and I don't like it at all.

But this is where I'm at right now. Dating? I guess. Whatever. Maybe in 20 years (just kidding... but can't you tell I'm not too thrilled with the idea?). Marriage? I said I don't think I could ever get married again soon after I lost Matt but I guess now I'm slightly more open to the idea. I might do that for someone I cared enough about. But it's not really something I'm interested in, per say.

What about Noah and Chloe? I realize that should anyone ever come into the picture and stay in the picture, he would be the only "dad" they really know. I don't like that but it's the truth. Now I can really understand Emily from The Bachelor and how protective of her daughter she was (don't act like you don't watch The Bachelor). There is so much going on here that I am completely content staying single forever. It's just way too complicated otherwise. Someone would have to be pretty special for me to want to get into the complications that would rise out of that whole mess. And I can't see how I would ever get past comparing everyone to Matt, which is yet another issue entirely.

It seems really soon to be thinking about that stuff but several people have brought it up to me already. So it's kind of hard not to at least give it a little thought. But, truth be told, I did think of it very soon... because one of the first things that came into my head when I was told Matt died was how Noah and Chloe no longer have Daddy. And from there just came a million thoughts about this and that. Mainly, who is going to be there for them instead?

Say I do get married again one day. (1) Fully aware that means I could go through this again. It's worth it. (2) My rings stay. (3) My last name stays.

Speaking of the rings, I don't see how I could ever remove them. They are a special symbol of a very special love. It wasn't my choice to lose him. It wasn't his choice for me to lose him. I will wear these until I die. Plus, they're gorgeous.

Now, when I change my mind, it will be known.

Our headstone is so close to being finished. I made one last change to the second draft I was sent, and now I'm just waiting for the third draft so I can approve it! I was almost having second thoughts about the shape I chose because I was worried about Matt liking it, lol. Then I realized that he's not here and the least he could do was let me make it how I want it. So that's that. I'm doing it how I want to do it.

A random thing I miss about Matt: Quoting inappropriate lines from movies like The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Wedding Crashers, I Love You Man, etc. :( This is so sucky.

I called Trooper C. today just to say hi. I imagine it must be nice for him to hear from me; to know that I'm doing okay. He said he was really glad I called. I almost feel weird calling but, at the same time, I feel so compelled to maintain contact. He was there. I mean... he touched Matt's near-lifeless body in the car that was covered in his blood. I hate to be graphic but this is the reality of the situation. As an EMT, he did what he could until the paramedics arrived. And then, after all that, he came to tell me to my face that my husband was dead. He was one of the last people who ever saw Matt alive (unconscious, but still alive). I told him this - that I feel like he is one of the last connections to Matt's life I have. And by that I mean... his final moments. Those final moments.... I wasn't there but he was.

Broken.

That's how I've been feeling the last two days. Friday was okay and then Thursday sucked, of course. I drove to Rockford on Thursday and my wonderful friend, Kara, watched the kids while I "celebrated" me and Matt's fourth anniversary. I went to the jewelry store to pick up my pendants with Matt's thumb prints. I have one for myself and two for the kids. I got a chain to wear mine as a necklace. I love it. Mine is his thumb print in a heart; the kids' are just his thumb print.

I went to Matt's grave alone after that... the first time I ever went by myself. I made sure to tell him, first and foremost, to take a good look at what an awkward situation he's put me in: talking to my dead husband at his grave... probably looking like a crazy person to whoever might have seen me. Although I'm sure no one did because it was the crappiest weather ever. No one in their right mind would be out in that mess. But regardless, it was awkward. About as awkward as looking at him in a coma 11 years ago and not knowing what to say. I'm pretty sure I touched his hand and uttered a, "Hi, Matt..." Yeah, I think talking to his soul is more awkward than that. This man has put me through too much.

So after pointing this out to him, I continued on. I read his anniversary card, at which point I definitely lost what little composure I managed to fake, fumbling with the umbrella, his card, the rosary and the Bible while kneeling on a baby changing pad in the wet grass. After reading the card, I prayed the rosary for his soul and read the Bible. That was pretty much it. By the time I was done, my legs from my knees to my toes were completely numb. I told him the least he could do was help me walk back to the car. See? Crazy person. Don't even get me started on the times where I think I see him for just a fraction of a second upon a random glance.

But between the jewelry shop and the cemetery, I failed to mention my flower shop excursion. When I walked in, a man asked me if I needed help with anything. I told him I was just looking for a little something to put on my husband's grave. My husband's grave... how old do I sound? Yes, Aaliyah, age really ain't nothing but a number. (God rest her soul.) If only age could really keep us from enduring such things. "You're not supposed to bury your husband at 26."

Says who?

I have been all over the place in the last 2+ months... sometimes I forget where I am. And bless these poor children of ours. They've had no choice but to become seasoned travelers. We drove to the Raleigh airport on July 23 and flew to Detroit. From Detroit, we drove to Rockford where the kids and I stayed one night, then we transferred to Grand Rapids to be closer to my Hales family. We were in Grand Rapids doing funeral stuff for about a week and then we drove up to the cottage at Crystal Lake. We stayed there through Matt's birthday (July 31) and then drove up to Petoskey where I think we stayed another week. Then we drove to Grand Rapids (I think) and flew back to Raleigh. This was somewhere in August. Then from Raleigh we drove back to our house in Greenville. I finally stayed in one place for about a month after that to keep a semi-normal life working part-time but also packing up everything. Then we made the journey back to Grand Rapids via road trip for the next 18 hours, stopping to stay overnight in Mt. Airy on the way up. I stayed in Rockford with the kids for a week, drove up to Crystal Lake for a night, and then back to Petoskey... our new home for the next three months if I'm to start school this winter. Then we will move back to Rockford. It is just madness. I'm used to it.

I remember the day Matt died - my friend April drove me home. I opened the garage door and Matt's car wasn't there. Every day I would come home from work and hope to see Matt's car in the garage when I hit that button. The door would start to raise and I would watch to see if I saw his car appear while I pulled in. I was happy when he was home before me. Truly. I just loved him. I loved being around him; we had so much fun together. He was my best friend. Sometimes, although this rarely happened, he would get home later than normal and I would think the worst while waiting. Not even on just those occasions; I would think the worst on normal days, too. I guess because he spent 75% of his day driving. And maybe because it had happened before. And because he had seizures. Not very often and never while driving but it was still a contributing factor to my mild case of paranoia. And then... July 20. There it is. I don't know if I'll ever be able to wrap my mind around it.

All the little things we wish we said or did... when you know you will no longer get to see someone on this earth ever again, all those little things weigh heavily on your mind. It's like you wish you could go back in time and make up for all the time you now know you'll miss. But really... it doesn't matter. It only affects you. So I didn't tell Matt I loved him that morning. That doesn't mean I didn't love him. He knows I loved him with all my heart. But it was my last chance to tell him that. Neither of us knew it would be my last chance. He didn't tell me he loved me either, obviously. But I can tell you that's not bothering him a bit. And that part doesn't even bother me. I know he loved me. He didn't have to say it constantly. I don't care that he didn't tell me that morning... I only care that I didn't tell him. Funny, isn't it?

Just make good memories. Don't forget about the little things. The little things are important, too, but they are not things over which to obsess. The important thing is making good memories. Those memories will bring comfort to your loved ones when you are gone and they are mourning.

I made the mistake of attempting to view Art Prize downtown yesterday. It was HORRIBLE. It started out being horrible because of the crowds and two small children (I wasn't alone though). Then the horribleness was increased ten-fold when I happened to walk by a bride and groom getting their pictures taken outside of the hotel. The same place Matt and I had some of our pictures taken. Her dress was even similar to mine. I tried not to look, that's just what I saw at first glance before I realized what a sucky situation I had just created for myself. I was trapped in hell. All I could do was look straight forward and try to walk as fast as I could pushing a stroller down a crowded sidewalk. I actually made it to the car and as far as 131 before I finally lost it. Thank goodness for that much. I'm doomed.

I wonder how long it will be before Noah asks, "Mommy, why are you crying?"

I stopped by the cemetery again today with Chloe. Noah was with the g'rents at church. I stayed behind because Chloe has a pretty bad cold. Snot fountain. Boogery eyes. But it was really nice out today so I wanted to stop by one last time before coming back here. I took back Matt's anniversary card (sorry, Matt). It was either that, or it be thrown out so I took it. I also took a stroll through our section. Getting to know our neighbors, if you will. Plus, I was just paying attention to the headstone designs since I am close to having ours done. Well, I noticed a young man who died at 24 (born in '82, died in '06). He was in the air force, I think. There was a picture of a helicopter on his headstone so I hope that's a safe assumption. He and his wife got married in April of '06 and he died that same year in October. Sigh. They got married the same month and year Matt proposed to me. I wonder if they have any kids. There was a bible verse on the base; Philippians 1:21:

For to me life is Christ, and death is gain.

Four years ago today.

I was sooo nervous.

Giddy.Happy.

I was marrying the man of my dreams. The boy I wanted to marry in high school.
Truly the best day of my life.
The next best day will be the day I die.
Don't worry, I can be patient.

I really had the coolest dream last night. We were outside, I think it was just me and my mom. I saw what looked like a combination of a funnel cloud and a sunset. It's kind of hard to explain but it was beautiful and I took out my phone so I could take a picture of it. Then, we vanished upwards into Heaven. I made the sign of the cross on my way, I had no idea what to expect. Then, I was in this room full of other people kneeling and praying and bowing their heads so I did the same. Everyone was Catholic. Then, John the Baptist was there, lol. And he was like the leader of our group. He asked me if Matt was here and I said yes. And I found Matt... and hugged him but he acted like he had just seen me and wasn't as excited to see me as I was to see him. And he had some other stuff to do because he was already "in" and I was like... in between earth and Heaven, lol. A noob, if you will. It was weird. But a nice dream overall. I woke up happy. Unfortunately, it was only a dream.

I am going to be disconnected this weekend as I am heading down to Grand Rapids. I will be back "home" on Sunday. I wish I could write more but I should really get going so it will have to wait.

What would we normally be doing today? Honestly, probably nothing too special. We might have celebrated this weekend instead of today. Today, we would be working, come home and order take-out from somewhere. But the simple things were always the best things. I love you, Matt.

A simple song.

It makes my day. I walked into the UPS store today and 'Amazed' by Lonestar was playing on the radio; one of our songs from high school. I remember dancing to it at Sweetheart Swirl. That song has always reminded me of Matt for that reason and it was so special to hear it by chance today. Is it a sign? I'd like to think it's Matt's way of saying, "Hello" or telling me he loves me... that he's still here, watching over me. I have to hold these little things close to my heart.

I called SSA today to get my address changed and stopped by SOS to figure out what I need to get my new license and plate.

There is a wedding coming up in November for which I've been mentally preparing myself. I've gone from, "No way" to "I think I can", lol. Or... "I HOPE I can," is probably more appropriate. Someone shared something with me today... (I asked other widows how it was attending a wedding after losing their spouse)

"But it was easier than I thought, I kept looking at them and thinking "this will happen to one of them too, I just hope not for a long long time". That made it easier. Suffering is inevitable, joy is not."

That's a good perspective. Times of great joy are actually few and far between compared to the times of sorrow, loss, hurt, rejection. It's going to be difficult but if I think even a small part of me can share in someone else's joy now, then hopefully in two more months it will be even more of an attainable thought. It's got to happen eventually. I conveniently lost my husband in the years where there's a pregnancy being announced or a baby being born or an engagement or a wedding happening every month (or a combination of the aforementioned events). I better get used to it.

I just realized something last night: Matt is with two of his siblings up there. I find that to be a comforting thought. I had a dream two nights ago that Matt had another brother and Kristen also dreamed that same night that they had another brother, too.

Last night I had another weird dream. This guy said, "We should go out sometime," and I said, "You think so?" Pause. Then I said, "I'll have to think about it." And I was still wearing my wedding rings. I don't love that dream at all. It was creepy, lol. Matt needs to come back to me. I pray for him every night. I made up this insane story that, because visiting me in my dreams takes so much work, he's saving up his energy to be with me on our anniversary, which... by the way, is Thursday. Yup, my first wedding anniversary of widowhood. I will get to spend it at my husband's grave. Four years. Doesn't that sound so pitiful? We got to celebrate three years married. Three. Now it's over just like that.

We spent our first anniversary in Charleston, SC. It was so much fun. We took a carriage ride and visited one of the plantations. We stayed at this quaint little hotel right in the heart of the city... a hotel Elvis Presley stayed once. We ate good food and took long walks around town. It was perfect.

I try not to think about the future.

One day at a time is key. When I think about the future, it just puts a number in my head of days, weeks, years... and then I think about how long that is to be without Matt. It's pretty depressing to think of the future. So I try to keep my mind in the past and the present. I caught myself thinking tonight, "Let's say 20 years down the road..." and then I just wanted to erase that thought completely.

I'm starting to notice when my "crying times" are. It's either a.) while I'm driving or b.) while I'm laying in bed. I don't sob uncontrollably. I just softly cry for a matter of minutes. I was laying in bed with Noah tonight, waiting for him to fall asleep. I had my hand up, looking at our wedding rings. Then I just imagined Matt's wedding band on his ring finger. And then I imagined him holding my hand. And then I remembered our little "day date" that we had last Christmas. We went to lunch together and I held his hand walking through downtown Petoskey. We went to a little restaurant called The Twisted Olive. It was sooo yummy. We waited for a table FOREVER because it was packed. But it was worth the wait. We each got a sandwich and traded halves so we could try each other's. I was six months pregnant with Chloe at the time.

I haven't seen him in my dreams since the one where he basically told me that heaven is real... that was at least a week ago. I'll never forget the first dream he came to me two nights after he died and he told me that he was real (his presence in my dream). I miss him and I hope he can make the journey again sometime soon. I want to hug him again. Even if I only have him as a dream character, that's better than nothing at all.

I had to explain to a woman at the bank today my situation. Well, I didn't HAVE to, but I did. Because I still have my NC license so of course that always carries the question, "What brings you to Michigan?" It's a long story! But I almost always tell it. She even asked me what happened after I told her Matt was killed in a car accident. A lot of people don't ask for details. I really don't mind sharing at all, in fact, I like talking about it. I guess it's therapeutic in a way. So I told her... about what happened, how we have two very young kids, how our wedding anniversary is next week... I feel like I'm ruining people's day because they feel so sorry. I know that if someone had told me that happened to them, I would go home and share their story with Matt because it is just so heart wrenching; I would need to tell someone about it! But it is what it is. This time it's not someone else's sad story; it's mine. And the one person I would turn to for support is gone.

Only You - A card from Matt

I was just looking through an expandable folder full of the notes I wrote to Matt in high school. I can't even believe he kept them. There are also some cards in there - all of them but one are from me to Matt. There is one in there from Matt to me on Valentine's Day 2006.

This is what he wrote in it:

Stephanie,
The past 13 and a half months have been amazing. The precious moments we've shared are unforgettable, & I cherish them so much! I love you with all my heart & soul, & will do so until I die, as well as in Heaven. Thank you for, well.... YOU!!

I couldn't have found this card at a better time.

Pictures

Everyone knows that "a picture speaks a thousand words." And we always tried to take a lot of pictures. I knew that when researching wedding photographers, it was an important investment for photos of the happiest day of our lives that would last forever. And I knew that I would want pictures taken of us when we were expecting our babies... I am so glad we had those done. I can't be thankful enough that we had a family photo session done in March of this year. Just four months before Matt was killed; and the only family photos we ever had done professionally.

Priceless. I feel so lucky to have pictures like this:

And this:
We were lucky enough to have pictures from the night we were engaged.And then there are those that just show Matt... true and genuine Matt.
And some of the happiest times of our lives.

I'm so thankful for the pictures.

If I didn't have Noah and Chloe...

If I didn't have our two beautiful children, I would feel like I had nothing. There would be no purpose in my life. So in a way, Matt, you saved my will to live by giving us these precious little ones. Without you... they are all I have left.

At his visitation, I knew the initial sight of his casket would be a difficult moment. And it was. I just couldn't believe that my husband's body was in there. And his soul was not. I don't know exactly what went through my mind as I wept on my knees in front of it. He was gone. Our children's father was gone. Our future was gone. Taken. Stolen from us. I regained my composure for most everything else. Up until the funeral procession. His funeral was beautiful, by the way. Exactly how he would have wanted it.

At the burial, as I stated earlier, I did not have as hard of a time with it as I thought I would because I did not feel like he was in there. It was his body... that I will very much miss holding me, kissing me, cuddling me. But I know his soul is still very much alive and with us. He is watching over us now from another realm. I miss him. I planted a kiss on his casket before I walked away and my lipstick marks were left behind. There's the kiss I should have given him that morning before he died.

We are now in Petoskey... arrived late last night. I looked at the bed in "my" room and remembered the last time I was here. I was with Matt. It was Christmas time. And that was "our" room. The last time I was in that bed, I was with him. I was six months pregnant with Chloe and Noah was almost 16 months. I remember taking a family nap in that bed the last time we were here.

Chloe was born on March 31. Matt's birthday is July 31. She was almost two weeks "late" but, really, she was right on time. She wanted to share the 31st of the month with her daddy. Chloe, you will be four months old on Daddy's birthday.

Matt wanted Chloe to call him Daddy. He thought it sounded sweet and wanted Chloe to be Daddy's little girl. She will be. Always will be Daddy's little girl.

I have some sense of our new future. I will be coming back to Michigan this fall. Matt and I always thought we would want to come back to Michigan one day. Although we never would have guessed it would be like this. I'm a widow. A single mother of two. Matt would never have wanted it to be this way. He had very strong feelings about a two-parent household. I did, too. So now I feel that it is very important to be nearby family. Because their father is gone and they need a strong family structure. And I definitely believe they will get that. They have received so much love in the last week. There are so many people here for us and here for them that I have no doubt they will still grow up with a very strong sense of family and strong sense of community.

Exactly what Matt would have wanted.