It appears I have found my calling...

preparing garlic root slides. My lab professor was so impressed she gave me extra credit. ;) In addition, our group as a whole received extra credit for extracting the most DNA/RNA from strawberries. Good stuff.

All in all, things have been good. I get teary-eyed randomly here and there, which is a pretty normal part of my life nowadays. I'm sure it always will be. I still get a sense that Matt is with me at sporadic times throughout the day. It's crazy stuff. I'm going crazy. But as long as my craziness doesn't interfere with school then whatever. The kids already make me crazy so that's a separate department.

I'm trying to get everything sorted out for my schedule for summer, fall and winter. I can't believe this semester is already almost over. I will be taking a class or two at GRCC in order to be eligible to apply to nursing school next fall. I will either have to take anatomy or microbiology there and then whichever one I don't take there, I will be taking at GVSU. It's kind of a cluster because I'm currently enrolled for organic chem at GVSU with a really good professor... that also comes with a lab. But GRCC doesn't offer anatomy 2 at a time that works for me so I called my adviser to see if I can take anatomy 1 at CC and anatomy 2 at GV. If not, then I will be forced to drop the chem class with the awesome professor and take it at CC instead... and then take anatomy 1 and 2 and GV this summer and fall. Whatever, I'm rambling and this stuff is so unimportant in the grand scheme of things.

I guess I don't have a ton going on right now. Just keeping busy with school and planning Chloe's birthday party which is on Saturday! I got a 94% on my chem exam last week and I'm waiting for my psych prof to post grades from the exam we had on Monday... fingers crossed!

Lastly, this song was on Matt's iPod and he said the lyrics always reminded him of me after his first car accident:

Scene begins as a telephone rings.
Chokes a gasp at the awful news it brings.
A phone call she's been avoiding.
She knows he's reached the end.

Hooked up to the respirator.
It breaths life into my callused lungs.
My heart beats getting fainter.
I know my time has come.

It's getting colder
been trying to show her
that I'm not the one
to be there beside her now
I'm crossing over
can no one console her
alone she'll remain
with no way to end this pain.

Now I realize the things that I
(All of the things that I wanted in this world)
the things I have done to you
(What have I done to you)
why you gave your love with all your heart.
(Hands went way to fast)
With all that a heart could give.

Intentions that you'll never know
the reason why I have to lead astray
I gave you a life time of pain and remorse
(Mistakes that were never yours)
the wrong in my life can never be right.
(It flashes before my eyes)

(How did he come to this,
His mind is working harder than ever before.
Thousands of thoughts in seconds.
His last thoughts were of her,
and how he and he alone had destroyed the once
vibrant spirit he had coveted so deeply.
The last pain he had ever caused is to the only
woman that had ever loved him...)

Bright light is calling me upward.
(All alone)
I follow and leave you below
(A ghost for now)
Now you're all alone.
(All alone)
And I leave you with nobody by your side.
(A ghost for now)
Not to hurt you ever again
(All alone)
Never break your spirit for me.
(A ghost for now)
Now I'm all alone.
(All alone)
Still I cherish the things that you have given to me.
(A ghost for now)
Bright light is calling me upward
(All alone)
I follow and leave you below
(A ghost for now)
Now

A Thorn For Every Heart - Things Aren't So Beautiful Now

Angel standing by

This is a song that I would dedicate to my loved ones if I were dead. Especially my children. I heard this yesterday. Oldie but goodie. Matt is my angel standing by.



All through the night I'll be watching over you
And all through the night I'll be standing over you
And through bad dreams I'll be right there baby
holding your hand, telling you everything's going to be alright
When you cry I'll be there baby
telling you were never nothing less than beautiful
So don't you worry
I'm your angel standing by

I'm not sure what possessed me.

I all but blurted out the fact that I was a widow in chemistry on Wednesday. It happened like this: we were just taking a little break (two hour class) and I sit in front. Somehow, the conversation between the instructor and another student led to the fact that they both had ex-fiances and they needed to share stories. Then I was sitting there, listening, and said, "I got you both beat. I'm a widow." Yup. It was the perfect opportunity. Many were shocked and felt sorry for me. My professor asked some questions and she had already known that I have two young kids so she was just amazed. She had to collect herself for a minute before continuing class and said now chemistry doesn't seem so important, lol. But it was good. I'm glad I had the opportunity to share. I had been feeling kind of angry and bitter all week leading up to that. Then I had support group right after class....

Several of the people there shared how they spent time with their kids and they were able to talk to each other about their feelings of sadness. That was heartwarming to me because I don't have that "luxury". My kids barely have a clue and say Noah knows what's going on... it's not like we can bond over our feelings about it. It is pretty depressing that it was our little family of four that has turned into a family of three and I'm the only one who has a concept of it. I know what my kids are missing. They don't.

Last night, as I was putting Noah to bed I said, "Do you remember when Daddy played XBox?" He replied, "Uhuh". Then I said, "Remember when Daddy mowed the lawn?" "Mhmm."

"Remember when Daddy cooked on the grill and you helped him?"

"Mhmm"

I stopped and layed there with him for a few seconds and he said, "More."

So I kept trying to think of other things.

"Remember when Daddy blew big bubbles in the backyard?"

"Uhuh."

"Remember when Daddy would get all dressed up for work in his suit and tie?"

"Mhmm."

"Remember Daddy's sunglasses? He would let you wear them?"

"Mhmm."

"Remember when Daddy would play his guitar?"

"Mhmm.... more."

It was really quite sweet. I went on until I fell asleep with him.

I took both kids to the cemetery with me last weekend. The weather was nice. I took Noah out of the car first and said, "Go see Daddy!" He walked over to the headstone and placed his hand on our picture that's etched on the front. Then he ran off to go kiss statues. He ran up to one and said, "angel!" Then he pointed to the wings and said, "Butterfly!"

It's amazing I haven't yet missed an exit on the expressway. Driving puts me in such deep thoughts that sometimes I don't even know how I got behind a certain car. Where did that car come from? That's what I think. This morning was a close call. I was in the lefthand lane... deep in thought, always has something to do with Matt, life, God, etc... and there's my exit. No warning whatsoever! I got over in time. Barely. On my way back to Newaygo, I all of a sudden think, "Where am I? Did I pass my exit?" Then I check out my surroundings to try to figure it out. I could totally fall victim to a farm tractor these days.

In other shallow news - school has been going well. I ended up with 100% on my chemistry exam and 94% on my biology exam. I have a research summary to write for psych and an exam in that class next week. I also have to start working on my biology lab report.

I finally did a will and trust. I can officially die and it will be okay.

This song makes me cry:

I'm sure there was something else I've been wanting to write. I get all these ideas in my head throughout the week but finding the time to blog now is rare. So, by the time I have a chance, I can't remember anything. I wanted to make writing a priority today.

"Could the Maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart?"

I like to imagine what Matt would be doing if he was here with me. I never want to forget the expressions on is face; the look in his eyes. I visualize him with me when I am out doing things or at someone's house.

Our monument looks fantastic. I'm very pleased with it. Matt's date of birth and date of death are carved perfectly into the jet black granite. One day, my date of death will join the party and my body will be laid to rest next to his.

I went to Mass this morning alone. I went to Our Lady of Consolation, Matt's church; the one he invited me to years ago. We used to go there together. This was the first time I've ever been to Mass alone and I haven't been to Our Lady since his funeral. There were a couple of times I had to fight back tears.

Half of me is embracing this life and the other half is not. The side that embraces this new life is being thankful for all I have been blessed with despite the tragedy that caused it. The side that is struggling just keeps thinking about how long I have to (presumably) live without Matt and all the things I am going to encounter throughout my life for which Matt should be there, too. But he won't be there.

Heard that song today. Love it. Tenth Avenue North has some good stuff.

The other day (Friday) I decided that I still love this time of year. I can't not love it. It's certainly different without my soul mate here but I still love it. I am sad but there's still something magical about Christmas. I just pray that I continue to feel Matt's presence throughout the season. I know I shouldn't think about this stuff but I think New Year's is going to be the most depressing. I'm planning on going to bed early and just pretending like it's another day. At least with 2012 comes the hope of 12-21-12. A girl can hope right?

I miss him so much. I had been feeling quite well all weekend and then today it slowly went downhill. I know I need to be patient and understand that this is all a part of the LONG healing process but it's still annoying.

Lord, help me to be patient and allow my heart to heal in Your time. Amen.

My light

In a world filled with corruption, infidelity, manipulation, dishonesty...

Matt was my knight in shining armor. He was my best friend. My rock. I know (knew) he would never hurt me or leave me. He was my light in a world filled with darkness. I could always depend on him.

On this DVD of his entitled "Original Songs", there is a folder called "Incomplete". It's just a bunch of songs, recordings, poems, etc. he never finished. There is a song in there called I Love from 2005.

[Edit: I found a complete version of the song... even better!]

I Love

By; Matt Hales

Verse:

G B/G C/G Dsus2

I love you for, your care-free soul,

G B/G C/G Dsus2

When you call, “do you need anything”

G B/G C/G Dsus2

Your desire to take care of me

G B/G C/G Dsus2

You are the fire and the light of my eyes

Pre-Chorus:

C/G Dsus2 G F#/G Em

Wrap your arms around me, so I may feel your touch

C/G Dsus2

Enfold myself in you, I become lost

Verse 2:

G B/G C/G Dsus2

For cognizance of the arts

G B/G C/G Dsus2

Music, art, film, your fascination in wine

G B/G C/G Dsus2 G

The questions you have, about God and his work in our lives

B/G C/G Dsus2

I love you,

Pre-Chorus 2:

Chorus:

Em C G F#/G

I love you more than the stars in the sky

Em C G Dsus2

More than the moon, that you make me fly by

Em C G F#/G

When you look in, into my eyes I get

Em C G Dsus2 C/G Dsus2

Lo---st, your beauty captures my soul – I beg of you – Hypnotize me tonight

Verse 3:

G B/G C/G Dsus2

I love you for those midnight reminders

G B/G C/G Dsus2

That keep me from a hospital bed

G B/G C/G Dsus2 G

The way you gently wipe the sleep from my eyes

B/G C/G Dsus2 G F#/G

Proclaiming they’re the only pair you can see

Pre-Chorus 3:

Em C/G G F#/G Em

Gaze into each other’s eyes for hours on end

Em C/G G Dsus2

That look tells me you love me, I need not hear your words

Chorus:

Bridge 1: Instrumental

Bridge 2: With harmonics

You are

the air I breathe

The water I drink

The blanket that warms me

Without you, I’d suffocate

Dehydrate or freeze

Without you

Without you I would bleed

Bridge:

Chorus (Alt lyrics):

I love your sensual touch

When you ask me to play for you

We kiss, and our lips become one

I love these things about you and more

In so many ways

I love you

"Your midnight reminders that keep me from the hospital" ~ He is talking about me reminding him to take his seizure medication at night. He was supposed to take it around the same times every day.

I took a life lesson from the movie My Best Friend's Wedding (great movie). It's when Michael and Julianne are on the boat and he says, "When you feel something you say it right then and there or else the moment just passes you by." Don't hate on the fact that that came from a chick flick. It's a good chick flick. And it's a good piece of advice. I've always tried to live by it and I am glad I have. Anytime I thought about how much I loved Matt, I told him as soon as the thought entered my mind. And he did the same for me. Now he's gone. But I will always remember doing that. I will especially always the remember the random times he would tell me sweet things. It's the most simple thing, telling the person you love how you feel. I didn't tell him I loved him that morning but I've come to realize that it doesn't matter. Because if I had, it would have been more of a routine thing. The moments where I truly spoke from my heart are the moments that really matter.

It's one of those days where I'm thinking...

My husband is gone, my best friend is gone, my kids' father is gone, my life sucks.

Now that I have that out of my system...

I called the tattoo shop today and he said they CAN tattoo someone who is breastfeeding but they advise against it. And if I felt like I truly NEEDED it now, I would need to bring written permission from my doctor. The chance of a staph infection is really small but, if I got one, it would pass to Chloe through my milk so I'm going to just wait. I plan on weaning her in the spring so I'm going to set a goal of having her weaned by my 27th birthday so I can get one for my birthday. :) That will be my gift from Matt, lol.

I'm going computer shopping this weekend. I will definitely miss Matt, the computer guru. I don't feel right going to buy a new computer without him. But I kind of need one. I'm currently using a five-year-old laptop that Matt bought when he worked for Dell. It had turned into our crappy computer that I used as a cookbook in the kitchen or gave to Noah to play with. Thank goodness it still works. But it's definitely on its way out. Even a piece of the corner is chipped off, lol. Oh, and it doesn't hold a battery charge anymore. It must be plugged in to function.

I have listened to this song for a while now and I finally just took notice of the actual lyrics the other day:



Side note: There are clips from The Passion in there. I remember when Matt and I watched that movie together at his apartment. It was my first (and only) time seeing it. I was so affected by it and Matt told me I was feeling the Holy Spirit. I can't remember if I was baptized at that point or not (if not, I was close). That memory just sticks out to me.

"Daddy sleeping."

The three of us (me, Noah and Chloe) sleep in the same bedroom. Noah sleeps in a twin bed and Chloe and I sleep in a queen bed. I heard Noah get out of bed this morning and he kept saying, "Daddy sleeping." I got up and went over to him and I said, "Did you say daddy's sleeping?" He kept saying it and he was starting to get upset and he kept looking at the bed. Matt's blanket that he had ever since he was a baby was on the bed. He always took naps with it at home so Noah knows it is "Daddy's blanket". I couldn't figure out if he was wanting Matt to be in the bed with his blanket or if he had a dream about him or what. It was as though he was upset that he wasn't there. I was kneeling by him and I said very gently and softly, "Daddy died. He's in Heaven with Jesus but he will always be watching over you." I figured that maybe he dreamed about Matt... maybe he thought he was in the bed with him or something.

I hate it when I have to say that to him. I don't usually use "died" when I'm talking to Noah. But I know I need to eventually. So I just said it. I don't know if there is a "right" way to talk about it to him. I really have no clue what I'm doing... I'm just kind of improvising as we go along.

I heard a song today. One of the songs I downloaded from Matt's collection. It's called "Self-Conclusion" by Spill Canvas. The chorus goes...

Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

I have never even considered in the slightest taking my own life. I could not do that to my family. And Matt would DEFINITELY not want that. Plus, I think it's a Catholic belief that suicide doesn't get you into Heaven... whether or not that's true is debatable but I wouldn't take the chance, being that I'm Catholic! However, I have thought about the idea in general (and how terrible it would be). Don't we all? When I was getting some things down from the attic in our home in North Carolina, I was at the top of the ladder and I looked down at the concrete floor in the garage. I thought, "All I might have to do is take a dive." That probably wouldn't kill me though. Isn't that horrible? And sometimes, when I'm handling knives, I think about how one swift motion could end it all. Surprisingly, I didn't have any morbid thoughts while I was shooting a gun at the farm last weekend! Not until after the fact, lol.

That song just made me think about it. It's about two people who are about to commit suicide: The guy gets there first to jump, then a girl comes up to the same spot for the same purpose, and he ends up asking her out.

"All right, you win, but I only give you one night
To prove yourself to be better than my attempt at flight
I swear to god if you hurt me I will leap
I will toss myself from these very cliffs
And you'll never see it coming"
"Settle, precious, I know what you're going through
Just ten minutes before you got here I was gonna jump too"

It's a good song. "

"No matter how unbearable this misery gets."

I know I've said that I wish I could have just been in that car with Matt. But that wasn't my path. If I was in the car, he probably wouldn't have hit the tractor to begin with anyway. So in that sense, yes, I wish I would have been there. But all this "I wish" and "if only" stuff... I would say I'm over it for the most part. I accept the things I cannot change.

11:11

I read that angels can communicate to us through numbers (and I wrote about it in a previous post). I am just going to accept it. I don't care how crazy it sounds. Because I happened to glance at the clock three separate times today: 11:11, 1:11 and 9:11.

I was going through Matt's Facebook and Xanga today... I was on a serious mission to collect any songs he shared so I could have a "Matt Mix" to remind me of him (and a lot of the songs are "our" songs). I started doing this a few days ago. Listening to his favorite songs makes me feel so happy. And I just happened to get one today where the lyrics spoke to me in a special way. It is "Run" by Snow Patrol, a song I haven't heard in a very long time. The chorus is mostly what caught my attention:

Light up, Light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

A simple song.

It makes my day. I walked into the UPS store today and 'Amazed' by Lonestar was playing on the radio; one of our songs from high school. I remember dancing to it at Sweetheart Swirl. That song has always reminded me of Matt for that reason and it was so special to hear it by chance today. Is it a sign? I'd like to think it's Matt's way of saying, "Hello" or telling me he loves me... that he's still here, watching over me. I have to hold these little things close to my heart.

I called SSA today to get my address changed and stopped by SOS to figure out what I need to get my new license and plate.

There is a wedding coming up in November for which I've been mentally preparing myself. I've gone from, "No way" to "I think I can", lol. Or... "I HOPE I can," is probably more appropriate. Someone shared something with me today... (I asked other widows how it was attending a wedding after losing their spouse)

"But it was easier than I thought, I kept looking at them and thinking "this will happen to one of them too, I just hope not for a long long time". That made it easier. Suffering is inevitable, joy is not."

That's a good perspective. Times of great joy are actually few and far between compared to the times of sorrow, loss, hurt, rejection. It's going to be difficult but if I think even a small part of me can share in someone else's joy now, then hopefully in two more months it will be even more of an attainable thought. It's got to happen eventually. I conveniently lost my husband in the years where there's a pregnancy being announced or a baby being born or an engagement or a wedding happening every month (or a combination of the aforementioned events). I better get used to it.

I just realized something last night: Matt is with two of his siblings up there. I find that to be a comforting thought. I had a dream two nights ago that Matt had another brother and Kristen also dreamed that same night that they had another brother, too.

Last night I had another weird dream. This guy said, "We should go out sometime," and I said, "You think so?" Pause. Then I said, "I'll have to think about it." And I was still wearing my wedding rings. I don't love that dream at all. It was creepy, lol. Matt needs to come back to me. I pray for him every night. I made up this insane story that, because visiting me in my dreams takes so much work, he's saving up his energy to be with me on our anniversary, which... by the way, is Thursday. Yup, my first wedding anniversary of widowhood. I will get to spend it at my husband's grave. Four years. Doesn't that sound so pitiful? We got to celebrate three years married. Three. Now it's over just like that.

We spent our first anniversary in Charleston, SC. It was so much fun. We took a carriage ride and visited one of the plantations. We stayed at this quaint little hotel right in the heart of the city... a hotel Elvis Presley stayed once. We ate good food and took long walks around town. It was perfect.