It appears I have found my calling...

preparing garlic root slides. My lab professor was so impressed she gave me extra credit. ;) In addition, our group as a whole received extra credit for extracting the most DNA/RNA from strawberries. Good stuff.

All in all, things have been good. I get teary-eyed randomly here and there, which is a pretty normal part of my life nowadays. I'm sure it always will be. I still get a sense that Matt is with me at sporadic times throughout the day. It's crazy stuff. I'm going crazy. But as long as my craziness doesn't interfere with school then whatever. The kids already make me crazy so that's a separate department.

I'm trying to get everything sorted out for my schedule for summer, fall and winter. I can't believe this semester is already almost over. I will be taking a class or two at GRCC in order to be eligible to apply to nursing school next fall. I will either have to take anatomy or microbiology there and then whichever one I don't take there, I will be taking at GVSU. It's kind of a cluster because I'm currently enrolled for organic chem at GVSU with a really good professor... that also comes with a lab. But GRCC doesn't offer anatomy 2 at a time that works for me so I called my adviser to see if I can take anatomy 1 at CC and anatomy 2 at GV. If not, then I will be forced to drop the chem class with the awesome professor and take it at CC instead... and then take anatomy 1 and 2 and GV this summer and fall. Whatever, I'm rambling and this stuff is so unimportant in the grand scheme of things.

I guess I don't have a ton going on right now. Just keeping busy with school and planning Chloe's birthday party which is on Saturday! I got a 94% on my chem exam last week and I'm waiting for my psych prof to post grades from the exam we had on Monday... fingers crossed!

Lastly, this song was on Matt's iPod and he said the lyrics always reminded him of me after his first car accident:

Scene begins as a telephone rings.
Chokes a gasp at the awful news it brings.
A phone call she's been avoiding.
She knows he's reached the end.

Hooked up to the respirator.
It breaths life into my callused lungs.
My heart beats getting fainter.
I know my time has come.

It's getting colder
been trying to show her
that I'm not the one
to be there beside her now
I'm crossing over
can no one console her
alone she'll remain
with no way to end this pain.

Now I realize the things that I
(All of the things that I wanted in this world)
the things I have done to you
(What have I done to you)
why you gave your love with all your heart.
(Hands went way to fast)
With all that a heart could give.

Intentions that you'll never know
the reason why I have to lead astray
I gave you a life time of pain and remorse
(Mistakes that were never yours)
the wrong in my life can never be right.
(It flashes before my eyes)

(How did he come to this,
His mind is working harder than ever before.
Thousands of thoughts in seconds.
His last thoughts were of her,
and how he and he alone had destroyed the once
vibrant spirit he had coveted so deeply.
The last pain he had ever caused is to the only
woman that had ever loved him...)

Bright light is calling me upward.
(All alone)
I follow and leave you below
(A ghost for now)
Now you're all alone.
(All alone)
And I leave you with nobody by your side.
(A ghost for now)
Not to hurt you ever again
(All alone)
Never break your spirit for me.
(A ghost for now)
Now I'm all alone.
(All alone)
Still I cherish the things that you have given to me.
(A ghost for now)
Bright light is calling me upward
(All alone)
I follow and leave you below
(A ghost for now)
Now

A Thorn For Every Heart - Things Aren't So Beautiful Now

I'm not sure what possessed me.

I all but blurted out the fact that I was a widow in chemistry on Wednesday. It happened like this: we were just taking a little break (two hour class) and I sit in front. Somehow, the conversation between the instructor and another student led to the fact that they both had ex-fiances and they needed to share stories. Then I was sitting there, listening, and said, "I got you both beat. I'm a widow." Yup. It was the perfect opportunity. Many were shocked and felt sorry for me. My professor asked some questions and she had already known that I have two young kids so she was just amazed. She had to collect herself for a minute before continuing class and said now chemistry doesn't seem so important, lol. But it was good. I'm glad I had the opportunity to share. I had been feeling kind of angry and bitter all week leading up to that. Then I had support group right after class....

Several of the people there shared how they spent time with their kids and they were able to talk to each other about their feelings of sadness. That was heartwarming to me because I don't have that "luxury". My kids barely have a clue and say Noah knows what's going on... it's not like we can bond over our feelings about it. It is pretty depressing that it was our little family of four that has turned into a family of three and I'm the only one who has a concept of it. I know what my kids are missing. They don't.

Last night, as I was putting Noah to bed I said, "Do you remember when Daddy played XBox?" He replied, "Uhuh". Then I said, "Remember when Daddy mowed the lawn?" "Mhmm."

"Remember when Daddy cooked on the grill and you helped him?"

"Mhmm"

I stopped and layed there with him for a few seconds and he said, "More."

So I kept trying to think of other things.

"Remember when Daddy blew big bubbles in the backyard?"

"Uhuh."

"Remember when Daddy would get all dressed up for work in his suit and tie?"

"Mhmm."

"Remember Daddy's sunglasses? He would let you wear them?"

"Mhmm."

"Remember when Daddy would play his guitar?"

"Mhmm.... more."

It was really quite sweet. I went on until I fell asleep with him.

I took both kids to the cemetery with me last weekend. The weather was nice. I took Noah out of the car first and said, "Go see Daddy!" He walked over to the headstone and placed his hand on our picture that's etched on the front. Then he ran off to go kiss statues. He ran up to one and said, "angel!" Then he pointed to the wings and said, "Butterfly!"

It's amazing I haven't yet missed an exit on the expressway. Driving puts me in such deep thoughts that sometimes I don't even know how I got behind a certain car. Where did that car come from? That's what I think. This morning was a close call. I was in the lefthand lane... deep in thought, always has something to do with Matt, life, God, etc... and there's my exit. No warning whatsoever! I got over in time. Barely. On my way back to Newaygo, I all of a sudden think, "Where am I? Did I pass my exit?" Then I check out my surroundings to try to figure it out. I could totally fall victim to a farm tractor these days.

In other shallow news - school has been going well. I ended up with 100% on my chemistry exam and 94% on my biology exam. I have a research summary to write for psych and an exam in that class next week. I also have to start working on my biology lab report.

I finally did a will and trust. I can officially die and it will be okay.

This song makes me cry:

I'm sure there was something else I've been wanting to write. I get all these ideas in my head throughout the week but finding the time to blog now is rare. So, by the time I have a chance, I can't remember anything. I wanted to make writing a priority today.

Untitled

Why I try my best to get to campus early: Because when I realize 15 minutes before lecture that I didn't print off my outlines, I still have time to run to the library. That was close. I worry about myself sometimes. Oh, but I did get 100% on my first bio quiz. ;) I'm on the right track so far but all of this ionic bond and hydrogen bond stuff is getting a little insane.

About this revelation I had last night while attending the support group... one of the people there mentioned that his daughter said 2011 was a great year. Even though she had lost her mom, a lot of other good things still happened.

Which got me thinking. I guess I still wouldn't describe 2011 as a "great" year. However, it was a very special year. It was the last seven months of Matt's life and I was there to spend it with him. We didn't know it would be the end, but we still made many good memories (the birth of Chloe, for one) and I'm happy and thankful for those seven months of 2011 that ended up being Matt's last. I kind of confused myself when I said that 2011 sucked and I have no reason to celebrate it and yet I was sad to leave it behind. Of course I was sad to leave it behind... 2011 contains my last memories of my "old" life. And that's something to be cherished. Okay, so the first half of 2011 was wonderful. The second half was very dark but very important and shaped who I am today. Just like everything that happens to us shapes the person we are. Most importantly, the second half of 2011 was the period in my life where I feel I truly found God. That should really surpass everything.

Back to the day-to-day... the kids seems to be doing fine in daycare. Although I feel that now Noah is starting to take on his own form of grief and only time will tell where that goes. I have been working through my grief since the day Matt died and yet... Noah is just beginning. I don't even know how it's going to unfold. Same with Chloe.

Anyway, I found a Bible verse I love today (another one):

"Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, persevere in prayer." - Romans 12:12

School

I feel so accomplished and all I did was make a phone call this afternoon. I have an appointment set up with an academic adviser at GVSU for October 21. I called admissions, she submitted my re-entry form and I am ready to register for classes this winter!

I seriously can't believe I'm going to go back to school for a second degree.

I am... nervous, anxious, excited, determined... am I ready for this?! This has to be what I am meant to do. Otherwise, why is it happening like this? Why did God take such extreme measures to rip me from the wonderful life I had? Matt fulfilled his purpose and now it's time for me to fulfill mine. I just want to make Matt proud of me. And I want to help heal others, physically and emotionally.

Why nursing? I want to help people who are in a situation like Matt was in. I want to help them in a way that Matt couldn't be helped. I want to have a hand in fixing others. If others can't be fixed, like Matt couldn't be fixed, I want to be there for their families. I want to be a living example to them that everything will be okay. I want to share Matt's story of recovery from his first accident with patients. I want to bring hope and encouragement using him as an example. I just want his memory to live on by using his story to say, "Miracles do happen. Never lose hope."

I take comfort in comforting others. My broken heart eases when I can ease someone else's heartbreak. I want to take my grief and direct it toward helping others. I feel that nursing will allow me to do these things.

I am in for long hours and late nights. It is going to be a challenging path but all I have to do is think about Matt, think about Noah and Chloe, look down and place my finger on Matt's thumb print. It will be worth it.

"Jesus looked at them and said, 'For human beings this is impossible, but for God all things are possible.'" Matthew 19:26

"He's... gone."

When I was at the doctor's office for Noah's two-year checkup on Tuesday, the nurse was going over some general information. Even though I already filled out forms containing this information so I thought she was just confirming my answers and knew about everything.

"At home.... mom and dad?"

"No. He's... " And then I was trying to fill in my own blank. Dead... too abrasive of a term. Deceased... who says that? So... I just said "... gone. He died in July." I should really just say he's dead and get it over with.

I still can't believe it's already October. It's just unsettling to think that time still moves forward without Matt. Time... has seemed to stop for me. But the days keep coming.

Turns out, I was a terrible college student. I'm embarrassed to even disclose my graduating GPA but let's just say I will definitely be starting over this winter. And I think I will go back to GVSU. I've thought more about it. I think I would just feel most comfortable there. They have a great nursing program. I don't care how long it takes... I'm sure I will have plenty of courses to (re)take to fill the time between now and the college of nursing anyway. It's going to be a bitch. But it will be worth it. All I have to do is think of Matt. Think of Noah and Chloe. Think of the rewards of nursing. The rewards of helping people heal. Or the rewards of comforting families. It might not always be happy but it will always be rewarding.

I've learned that some of the best things in life come from the worst things in life. Matt's death is the lowest of low points. But good things have come from it and good things will continue to come from it. And there will always be sad times, too. Sadness that comes from loss that comes from loving. But we have to endure these things; to lift each other up. And just remember how precious of a gift life is. We will be together again one day.

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13: 34, 35

Sharing is caring.

This is an excerpt taken from another version of the essay Matt wrote about his first car accident.

"Because of what happened, I've learned the biggest lesson of my life: Never take the people and the things that you have for granted. I did and sometimes find myself doing the same thing now. I try as hard as possible to keep from doing this because they all were almost taken away.

It's very sad that it took a car accident that nearly killed me to change my views on my family and friends, but above all, God. I thank God and everyone involved in my recovery. Without them, I'd be nothing. Life is not just a sad excuse for doing nothing until you die. Life is the most precious gift you can receive and I'm grateful that I still have mine."

I am slowly getting closer to having school sorted out. I applied to GRCC and Davenport for nursing. The only thing about Davenport is that it will be SO FAR AWAY from where we will be living this winter. But the nursing program there might not have a wait as long as CC's. I'm just keeping my options open. I will likely go ahead and get on the waiting list at CC while taking any of the pre-nursing classes I will need, and also get my BLS certification. If I get through that and I'm still waiting, depending on how long it looks like I have left, I could go through with the EMS academy. If I really want to be a flight nurse one day, EMS might be a good thing to have on the resume. We'll see! I'm just trying to take one thing at a time.

I have so many little things to do. Although I did get MI auto insurance today so that can be checked off the list. Once I have that and documents from SS with my new address, I will finally be able to change my driver's license and plate.

Nothing really special or insightful to say today. I had a pretty good day. No tears. I just think to myself every day how therapeutic Petoskey is. All I have to do is look out the window over the lake. It's beautiful. I see God's magnificence everywhere I look. I still gaze at the clouds and think Matt is out there somewhere. And one day we'll be together again.

I really need to get to bed. I overslept today and I didn't take a nap and I think tomorrow will definitely be a late-morning-nap kind of day. I try to wake up at 7:00 every morning so I can have Noah to daycare between 8:00-8:30. But I'm such a night owl these days... 7:00 used to be easy, now... not so much.

I haven't seen Matt in my dreams lately... of course, I haven't been sleeping well lately either. That probably doesn't help.

Transitory Phase

What am I doing? Relaxing. Reflecting. Thinking. Praying.

Until school starts, that's what I'm doing. I think Petoskey is the perfect place to do that, too. It is so quiet, peaceful, somewhat isolated and beautiful.

I'm going to enjoy this phase while it lasts because soon I will be delving into a new life in Grand Rapids. I will have school, therapy and support groups. But right now I just am.

I feel as though Matt and I have had similar challenges when I go back and read his accounts of his experience recovering from his accident. They are very different events; Matt’s was very much a physical AND emotional battle while mine is just emotional. But what his tragedy did for his faith is what my tragedy is doing for my faith. I suppose that God is most apparent through heartbreak. It seems somewhat contradictory but when all else fails you, God is the constant; God is what I have left when everything else has been stripped away. This has been a wake up call.

“You are my rock and my fortress, for your name’s sake lead and guide me.” –Psalm 31:4

I had another dream with Matt last night but I barely remember it. All I remember is that it was our anniversary and he "came back" for it. I know there was so much more to it and there was dialogue; it seemed kind of lengthy... but that's all I remember.