"He's... gone."

When I was at the doctor's office for Noah's two-year checkup on Tuesday, the nurse was going over some general information. Even though I already filled out forms containing this information so I thought she was just confirming my answers and knew about everything.

"At home.... mom and dad?"

"No. He's... " And then I was trying to fill in my own blank. Dead... too abrasive of a term. Deceased... who says that? So... I just said "... gone. He died in July." I should really just say he's dead and get it over with.

I still can't believe it's already October. It's just unsettling to think that time still moves forward without Matt. Time... has seemed to stop for me. But the days keep coming.

Turns out, I was a terrible college student. I'm embarrassed to even disclose my graduating GPA but let's just say I will definitely be starting over this winter. And I think I will go back to GVSU. I've thought more about it. I think I would just feel most comfortable there. They have a great nursing program. I don't care how long it takes... I'm sure I will have plenty of courses to (re)take to fill the time between now and the college of nursing anyway. It's going to be a bitch. But it will be worth it. All I have to do is think of Matt. Think of Noah and Chloe. Think of the rewards of nursing. The rewards of helping people heal. Or the rewards of comforting families. It might not always be happy but it will always be rewarding.

I've learned that some of the best things in life come from the worst things in life. Matt's death is the lowest of low points. But good things have come from it and good things will continue to come from it. And there will always be sad times, too. Sadness that comes from loss that comes from loving. But we have to endure these things; to lift each other up. And just remember how precious of a gift life is. We will be together again one day.

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13: 34, 35