Five Halloweens

Losing Matt is the greatest loss I could ever suffer except for our children. But even then, at the very least I could think, "Now they're with their dad." I feel like any loss that comes after this, while still inevitably painful, I will always think, "They are with Matt now" and that brings me peace. I really don't think it could get worse than this. Knowing that Matt is already in Heaven will comfort me through future losses. He will comfort me.

I will miss Matt a lot tomorrow while we go trick-or-treating with the kids. It's Chloe's first Halloween and Noah's first Halloween where he will actually "get it". So tomorrow will involve some extra doses of "Matt void".

In honor of Halloween, however, I will share some memories of the few we did get to spend together.

In 2005 (our first Halloween), I was a devil fairy thing and Matt was "emo". We went to a couple of parties and did what college

students do, lol.

In 2006, we were engaged; I was a sailor and Matt was V (for Vendetta). We went to some parties and I remember Matt trying to drink with a straw through the mouth hole in his mask, lol. It didn't work out too well.

In 2007, it was our first year married so we had our house in

Midland. Matt bought some kind of ghostly cloak thing with red eyes that lit up. He sat on the porch to hand out candy because I pretty much told him to even though it was cold and rainy. :P But I sat out there with him and he told me I had better at least make him some coffee for making him do that so I did, lol.

In 2008, we were in our townhouse in North Carolina. We didn't get too many trick-or-treaters, which made me happy because I could eat all the leftover candy. We rented a horror flick; it might have been The Descent but I can't remember.

In 2009, we had bought our house in North Carolina and were the new parents of a baby boy. :) We went to a pumpkin patch, Noah in the stroller wearing a little Halloween sleeper, and I remember it was HOT outside. We walked around the pumpkin patch a little bit and talked about how "next year Noah will enjoy it more".

In 2010, I was pregnant with Chloe and Noah was a new walker, 13 months old. We went back to the same pumpkin patch and Noah was walking/stumbling about. I distinctly remember Matt and I on either side of Noah, holding his hands while he walked unsteadily. He fell in the dirt a couple of times. We took him around to look at the animals. We bought him a Winnie the Pooh costume that he wore to his daycare Halloween party and then we took him trick-or-treating to one house across the street but she wasn't home and that was the only house we went to, lol. We got that on camera, Noah's first trick-or-treat attempt. He obviously didn't get it but it was fun watching him walk around in his little Pooh costume.

Five Halloweens. I like to think he's not missing out on anything in his kids' lives. I get sad about all the things they are going to miss with their daddy.