Four years ago today.

I was sooo nervous.

Giddy.Happy.

I was marrying the man of my dreams. The boy I wanted to marry in high school.
Truly the best day of my life.
The next best day will be the day I die.
Don't worry, I can be patient.

I really had the coolest dream last night. We were outside, I think it was just me and my mom. I saw what looked like a combination of a funnel cloud and a sunset. It's kind of hard to explain but it was beautiful and I took out my phone so I could take a picture of it. Then, we vanished upwards into Heaven. I made the sign of the cross on my way, I had no idea what to expect. Then, I was in this room full of other people kneeling and praying and bowing their heads so I did the same. Everyone was Catholic. Then, John the Baptist was there, lol. And he was like the leader of our group. He asked me if Matt was here and I said yes. And I found Matt... and hugged him but he acted like he had just seen me and wasn't as excited to see me as I was to see him. And he had some other stuff to do because he was already "in" and I was like... in between earth and Heaven, lol. A noob, if you will. It was weird. But a nice dream overall. I woke up happy. Unfortunately, it was only a dream.

I am going to be disconnected this weekend as I am heading down to Grand Rapids. I will be back "home" on Sunday. I wish I could write more but I should really get going so it will have to wait.

What would we normally be doing today? Honestly, probably nothing too special. We might have celebrated this weekend instead of today. Today, we would be working, come home and order take-out from somewhere. But the simple things were always the best things. I love you, Matt.

I just prayed my rosary for the first time.

I will say it's about time... I remember Matt trying to teach me once. I wasn't taking it seriously though. But now I am different. I feel different. I almost feel as though I've been given a new pair of eyes; I see the world differently. I've been given a new heart; I have more compassion than I ever felt possible. I look the same but I don't feel the same. I almost feel... fearless. Because God is with me at all times; I never saw it before. Now I see it and it's a wonderful gift; I just wish there could have been another way to it.

This was in my daily devotion from yesterday (I had to catch up today):

If you look back on your journey thus far, you can see that days of extreme weakness have been some of your most precious times. Memories of these days are richly interwoven with golden strands of My intimate Presence.

And this is one of my favorite Bible verses:

"Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hard ships, persecutions, and contraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10

When I am weak, then I am strong.

A simple song.

It makes my day. I walked into the UPS store today and 'Amazed' by Lonestar was playing on the radio; one of our songs from high school. I remember dancing to it at Sweetheart Swirl. That song has always reminded me of Matt for that reason and it was so special to hear it by chance today. Is it a sign? I'd like to think it's Matt's way of saying, "Hello" or telling me he loves me... that he's still here, watching over me. I have to hold these little things close to my heart.

I called SSA today to get my address changed and stopped by SOS to figure out what I need to get my new license and plate.

There is a wedding coming up in November for which I've been mentally preparing myself. I've gone from, "No way" to "I think I can", lol. Or... "I HOPE I can," is probably more appropriate. Someone shared something with me today... (I asked other widows how it was attending a wedding after losing their spouse)

"But it was easier than I thought, I kept looking at them and thinking "this will happen to one of them too, I just hope not for a long long time". That made it easier. Suffering is inevitable, joy is not."

That's a good perspective. Times of great joy are actually few and far between compared to the times of sorrow, loss, hurt, rejection. It's going to be difficult but if I think even a small part of me can share in someone else's joy now, then hopefully in two more months it will be even more of an attainable thought. It's got to happen eventually. I conveniently lost my husband in the years where there's a pregnancy being announced or a baby being born or an engagement or a wedding happening every month (or a combination of the aforementioned events). I better get used to it.

I just realized something last night: Matt is with two of his siblings up there. I find that to be a comforting thought. I had a dream two nights ago that Matt had another brother and Kristen also dreamed that same night that they had another brother, too.

Last night I had another weird dream. This guy said, "We should go out sometime," and I said, "You think so?" Pause. Then I said, "I'll have to think about it." And I was still wearing my wedding rings. I don't love that dream at all. It was creepy, lol. Matt needs to come back to me. I pray for him every night. I made up this insane story that, because visiting me in my dreams takes so much work, he's saving up his energy to be with me on our anniversary, which... by the way, is Thursday. Yup, my first wedding anniversary of widowhood. I will get to spend it at my husband's grave. Four years. Doesn't that sound so pitiful? We got to celebrate three years married. Three. Now it's over just like that.

We spent our first anniversary in Charleston, SC. It was so much fun. We took a carriage ride and visited one of the plantations. We stayed at this quaint little hotel right in the heart of the city... a hotel Elvis Presley stayed once. We ate good food and took long walks around town. It was perfect.

Dream

I had one of the weirdest dreams with Matt last night. I'm pretty sure we were at a quidditch match (I watched Harry Potter before going to bed)... and Matt was there watching. He was wearing some kind of eccentrically-styled wizard wear. A striped shirt under a black coat. I went up to him and happily gave him a hug. He kind of shied away like he didn't want me to do that. I told him he was acting that way because his soul was gone. It was his body, but it wasn't the same Matt. I went on my own way and found someone else who brought me flowers and was really sweet. Matt followed me.

Transitory Phase

What am I doing? Relaxing. Reflecting. Thinking. Praying.

Until school starts, that's what I'm doing. I think Petoskey is the perfect place to do that, too. It is so quiet, peaceful, somewhat isolated and beautiful.

I'm going to enjoy this phase while it lasts because soon I will be delving into a new life in Grand Rapids. I will have school, therapy and support groups. But right now I just am.

I feel as though Matt and I have had similar challenges when I go back and read his accounts of his experience recovering from his accident. They are very different events; Matt’s was very much a physical AND emotional battle while mine is just emotional. But what his tragedy did for his faith is what my tragedy is doing for my faith. I suppose that God is most apparent through heartbreak. It seems somewhat contradictory but when all else fails you, God is the constant; God is what I have left when everything else has been stripped away. This has been a wake up call.

“You are my rock and my fortress, for your name’s sake lead and guide me.” –Psalm 31:4

I had another dream with Matt last night but I barely remember it. All I remember is that it was our anniversary and he "came back" for it. I know there was so much more to it and there was dialogue; it seemed kind of lengthy... but that's all I remember.

A Personal Essay by Matt (2002)

This is a memoir written by Matt after achieving a great goal following his recovery.

"I do not think there is any other quality so essential to success of any kind as the quality of perseverance. It overcomes almost everything, even nature." -John D. Rockefeller

"Shot-gun!" I called out, and grinned at Berk. "Matt!" Berk shouted and stomped his foot hard on the pavement, while Scott chuckled. That's the last memory I have from June 2nd up until sometime around the 6th of July. Sometimes I think I can remember the car accident or being in the hospital, but I'm never really sure. Are those vivid pictures in my mind real, or only imagined after being told of what had happened to me?

While in the hospital my friends, family, and even strangers prayed for me. They knew that I could get through the coma and my injuries. I sustained a left parietal lobe hemorrhage, and a left orbital fracture to my skull. One of my doctors told my mom and dad that he didn't think I would survive. Well, I did more than survive. Through hard work and determination I climbed my way out of the three-week coma. I was released from the hospital July 5th, but I still had to learn to walk, talk, and eat again, so I was transferred to Mary Free Bed Rehabilitation Center. The doctors predicted I would need at least five to eight weeks of inpatient rehabilitation. I was discharged after three weeks, once again overcoming all odds.

After returning full time to Rockford High School, my next goal that nearly everyone thought was impossible was to earn my varsity letter again in swimming. The season started in November, and ended at the beginning of March. My times wouldn't budge throughout the season, no matter how hard I tried. I was beginning to lose the confidence I needed to get my letter. I knew that everyone would understand if I couldn't reach my varsity letter time; everyone except me.

It was the beginning of March, and I was facing the last opportunity of the swim season to earn my letter. I found myself standing on a starting block, overlooking twenty-five yards of water. The adrenaline surged through my body as Coach yelled, "Go!" I leapt off of the block with every ounce of energy stored in my anxious legs and swam harder than I thought possible. I went through the first turn, then the second and third. Nearing my last turn I took a breath before the flags and saw Coach Seifert telling me to push as hard as possible. I came out of the turn and saw my teammates cheering me on, as well as my friends who watched from the stands. It came down to the last second, and I hit the wall. Taking a deep breath, I looked up and heard everyone clapping with energy and joy. I did it. Only nine months after lying in a coma, I earned my varsity letter. There are no words to describe how I felt that day. That was the day that I knew I could do everything I had before the accident, and more.

Now I stand on the starting block that overlooks the next great challenge of my life - college. I will approach my studies and education with the same determination and sense of purpose that I did during my recovery from my injuries.

Once, I took life for granted. On June third in the year two thousand, that changed forever. I know now that life is a gift. I also know that with faith, hard work, and perseverance I can accomplish anything.

Dream

I did get my dream last night but it wasn't really him; he was just a character. I'm writing this early so it's relatively fresh in my mind.

I was going back to change the outcome of Matt's accident. It was basically like The Butterfly Effect, lol. It took me several tries. I was there at the scene of the accident and I saw Matt. I thought it didn't work this time but when the paramedics arrived on scene, Matt was conscious (barely). I don't know what I even did to change it. Somehow, his injuries were less severe on his head and it was mostly his chest.

Maybe I created this in my mind because one of the officers at SHP told me if Matt had been sitting up higher, he probably would have survived. And also because the medical examiner told me that tension pneumothorax was not the immediate cause of death (meaning, maybe if that's all it was, he could have been saved). If he had been sitting up higher, it also probably would have been a less severe case because that would have meant that there was more "car" in front of him to block the farm equipment (versus it coming through the windshield with nothing to block it).

Anyway, they put him on a stretcher and then I just remember being next to him while they worked to save him. I touched his arm and said something like, "I'm here. You're going to be okay." I think they were going to transport him via helicopter even though the accident took place literally right down the road from the hospital (which was lucky, all other possibilities considered).

Then I wondered if I made a mistake because I messed with the natural occurrence of events. Yes, I saved him, but what if it would end up worse than before somehow? What if he ended up in a vegetative state on life support or something? What if, because I saved him, now I would lose someone else instead (like one of our kids)? Because if you've seen The Butterfly Effect, every time he "fixed" one thing, something else would go wrong.

That's all I remember of my dream.