Blessed

I need to write a thank you post. I've been trying to formulate how I would go about writing this and my thoughts are all jumbled and unorganized so I'm just going to write. I just can't go any further without recognizing all of the wonderful gestures I've received in the past few months.

- Donations to Noah and Chloe's college funds. I can't even express the right words that would appropriately reflect the amazing generosity of all who've contributed to our children's college funds. With the contributions made by Matt's company, his co-workers and our family and friends, Noah and Chloe are guaranteed a continued education beyond high school. I am completely in awe that all this has been made possible with the good hearts of many and it is something I know our kids will appreciate and cherish forever. And to the person who set up the entire fund in the first place... you are amazing!

- Cute and fun clothes for Chloe! Someone Matt and I went to high school with started a children's clothing line and was kind enough to send me a bunch of adorable samples. Something fun that lifted my spirits a lot. :) Just to know that we're being thought of and pampered a little bit here and there helps to make it through another day. That also includes the meals and goodies that were brought over to our house right after Matt died. Incredible support... incredible generosity.

- Our landscaper has taken over caring for our yard for the remainder of the season since I am not down in North Carolina to care for it. Free of charge.

- A friend of a friend made a beautiful cross for us to put up at the site of the accident. I've never even met him.

- Speaking of people we've never met, some traveled to Matt's funeral and his memorial Mass; not short distances by any means, either... to offer their condolences in person. And a group of girls whom I've never met sent a gift basket of goodies to me. That kind of support will never be forgotten. None of it from anyone will ever be forgotten but something about receiving so much love from people who have never met us is really special.

- All the notes to Noah and Chloe, the books, the cards, the messages and emails, phone calls, shared memories, songs. They all mean so much to me. I especially love hearing memories that other people have of us that even I have forgotten. Even when other people have dreams about Matt. I love to hear about them. Just anything about Matt. It is nice to know that he will never be forgotten.

-All the beautiful flowers. I walked into the funeral home and all of those beautiful flowers surrounding Matt's casket... I honestly wish I had a picture. It was lovely to see how many people were thinking about us. The flowers were a representation of all the prayers and support... and I know that was only a fraction.

-Photo creations. My cousin put together a photo montage for the visitation. Just recently (as in, I received it today), Matt's cousin created a wonderful photo book filled with bible verses, pictures and quotes from Matt... things he said about being a dad. I love it.

I hope that I have been able to respond to everyone's messages. Quite honestly, a lot of things that happened in the first couple of months is a complete blur. But I have read every single one and they've all spoken to me and touched my heart in a special way.

Some things I never knew before this: Sympathy cards are one of the single most uplifting things after losing a loved one. They are so simple but they speak volumes and mean a LOT. One of my very favorite things that we have gotten are Mass cards. And I love receiving bible verses. Bible verses provide so much peace and comfort. Don't know what to write? A bible verse works wonders! Think it's too late to send a card? It's never too late. There is no such thing as "too late" when it comes to sending a sympathy card. Truly. It is nice to know that people are still thinking about you even months or years after the fact. Because it never goes away.

It's safe to say I never knew how much love there is out there in the world. But now I have seen it for myself. As the holiday season approaches, all of that love will be carried with me and give me strength through what will most likely be an extremely difficult, if not the most difficult, time of grieving.

"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another, if one has a grievance against another; as the Lord has forgiven you, so must you also do. And over all these put on love, that is, the bond of perfection. And let the peace of Christ control your hearts, the peace into which you were also called in one body. And be thankful." Colossians 3:12-15

Death

I was reading back through my post from last night. About calming Matt's fears of death. What did I know, really? I know nothing about what happens after death. But I'm glad that we had that conversation. I'm glad that I was somehow able to tell him that death isn't scary... especially since I didn't realize how soon that would come to him. Since Matt died, I've had no fear of death whatsoever. I'm ready for it whenever it comes to me. But I've gotten to think about dying. And how that part might be scary. Matt probably didn't even go through dying because it came upon him so suddenly. He was knocked unconscious and an hour later, his body died. But however I die... at least I know that death will follow, taking away any pain I might feel. I just hope it's not too terrible or slow. I would be happy to die the way Matt did. Quick, sudden and totally unexpected. I'm just glad he didn't suffer. He didn't have time to be afraid.

Despite all that, I think I still have a small underlying fear of the unknown. That's what it was for Matt. The unknown. But I somehow convinced him that that was the exciting part about it all... the unknown. I was probably trying to convince myself at the same time. I wonder who was there to greet him. Maybe my grandpa? His great grandparents? I do find comfort in knowing that he will be the first person I see when I die. That is the most fantastic thought of all. That erases all my fears. So what if I die a slow death? Anticipation is half the fun.

I remember a time...

We were in the living room one day watching something on TV that sparked a conversation about life after death. Matt said, in more or less words, that he was afraid of death; that he didn't want to die. We were discussing what truly happened when we died. I said, in more or less words, that the prospect of finding out what happens (when we actually die) was kind of exciting. So to not be afraid. I said our bodies are just vessels for our souls which will live on. I calmed his fears about death.

I know he always wanted to live a long life. He wanted to watch his children grow. He wanted to be there for all the things a dad experiences, from teaching his kids how to tie their shoes to hearing them say, "I hate you" for the first time. He wanted all of it. The good and the bad. He loved life and he especially loved life as a daddy. I don't know why he didn't get to have it. Why? Is it more painful that he didn't get to have his long life for him or for me? Is he really here... getting to see his children even though he cannot interact with them? Does he see us from afar? Is he in this room with me? Can he not see us but hear our deepest thoughts? Does he miss us? I don't know the answers to any of these questions. But I can tell you that these are the types of questions that are constantly running through my mind every single second of every single day.

Something I struggle with is being happy for other people. It's not that I'm not happy for them, actually. I should rephrase that. What I struggle with is expressing my happiness for others. A lot of the time. Not all the time. Most of the time. I'm just not in the mood. I'm praying to be able to feel joy at others' joy. But it's not coming very easily. And it makes me feel bad. But I know I shouldn't feel bad. Which is also annoying. I know I shouldn't feel bad so then I feel bad about feeling bad about feeling bad. Things are complicated.

I looked at a lot of pictures of Matt today. I created two folders: Matt & Noah and Matt & Chloe. So far, I have 114 pictures of Matt and Noah together and 8 pictures of Matt and Chloe together (and that includes one when she was still in my belly). I don't imagine the Matt & Chloe folder will grow much more, unfortunately. I'm sure there are less than 15 pictures of Matt and Chloe together out there in the world. But you know what? I'm thankful for those less than 15. I'm thankful that he was able to be with his baby girl for four months. That's better than none.

My life has certainly turned in a direction I never expected. The rug was pulled out from underneath me. I feel like this is a second life. The only constant between my two lives is our children. Besides that, everything is new to me. I lost a lot. But I can't dismiss the fact that I've also gained a lot. I lost my husband but I gained Christ (and a guardian angel). I lost my husband but I've gained stronger relationships than before. I lost my husband but I've gained a new purpose in life. A new perspective. A new attitude. Why did he have to be the sacrifice though? I lost my husband, I lost everything. I lost everything and gained everything. Things are complicated.

I fell asleep with Chloe this afternoon and dreamed about Matt. I have noticed that Matt almost never speaks in my dreams. If he does, it's very little. In this one, Matt had been dead but he came back. We were trying to take a scenic tour up a mountain but the lines were so incredibly long. He said, "We don't have to do it," and I said, "Are you sure? We don't know if we will ever have the chance again." We decided to leave but on our way back, we saw an elevator with no line. All of a sudden, everyone else was gone and it was just the two of us. We got on the elevator (which was like an elevator or a gondola, I'm not even sure) to the top of this great scenic mountain view and it was at sunset. The entire horizon was lit up with bright, hot pink sunlight. I said, "Have you ever seen such a bright pink sky? Well, you probably have," referring to the fact that he had already been in Heaven where everything is beautiful and vibrant. He didn't say anything. That was it. That was my dream.

Every night I think, "One more day down." "One more day without Matt." "One less day I have to live without him." It's almost as though I'm just waiting. Just counting the days away. Each night is a relief. I made it through one more day. I wonder if he knows how many more I have left. I don't even think it really matters. I've come to realize that one more day without him versus a thousand more days without him... it's all the same. One day without him is just as painful as a thousand days without him. It will never change. I'm learning to live with it. I'm learning that this void never goes away; you just get used to it. That's the thing about losing a loved one. There is no moving on from it. You can't move on from it. It stays with you forever.

My inappropriate sense of humor was totally wanting to embed a clip from The Sandlot here. Is that bad? Can I do that? Matt would totally get it but I don't know if anyone else would. X( Behind all of my heartfelt writing I do have a funny side. And I'm not denying that it can come up at the most inappropriate of times.

Regardless, I have to share this quote from Matt himself. I had written it on one of his folders in college to document this extremely insightful statement:

"Dude, erasers are so awesome. Do you ever think about that?" ~Matthew K. Hales

Reality is setting in*

I've noticed myself becoming sadder in the last few days. I think the shock is starting to wear off and I'm missing Matt more than ever. I cried last night.

I received the medical examiner's report yesterday. And the toxicology report, which of course came back saying there was no alcohol in Matt's blood. I certainly didn't need a report to know Matt wasn't drinking but I figured I would go ahead and add it to my collection of things related to his death. I'm thinking about our kids; someday they will want to see everything.

The medical examiner's report is four pages long. The first page has basic information (name, address, age, etc.). Then there is a timeline. The injury happened at 10:23am, time of death was 11:35am, the medical examiner was notified at 1:10pm and he viewed Matt's body at 1:45pm. Then it has the probable cause and manner of death.

The second page contains medical history, means of death, activity of decedent and premises and description of body. The last section states that his body was intact, no rigor mortis at the time of viewing, posterior livor mortis, his height and weight, body temperature was warm, hair color, eye color and that his teeth were natural.

The third page is a body diagram. Interestingly enough, aside from bilateral periorbital hemorrhage and a contusion and laceration of his lip, all of his injuries occurred on his left side. He had a 3 1/2" laceration and avulsion extending from the top middle of his head down toward his left ear. He had a 1 1/2" laceration and fracture next to his left eye. A 2" laceration and fracture in front of his left ear. Blood was draining from his left ear and nose. He had a large circular abrasion on his left cheek.

There was a 1" contusion right below his left collarbone. A 3" contusion on the front of his left shoulder. He had a small abrasion on his left elbow. He had a 1 1/2" contusion on his left hip. He had petechial hemorrhaging on the backs of both hands and a small contusion on the back of his left ring finger.

He had a neck brace, an ETT (endotracheal tube), OGT (orogastric tube), IO (intraosseous) infusion in each leg, EKG on his right wrist and a chest tube was inserted in both sides of his chest. The air rush from his chest came from the chest tube on his right side. They inserted the trocar into the left side of his abdomen where blood was not returned. A lumen needle was inserted in his left arm, which I'm guessing is where an IV was placed.

It scans as a PDF file and I don't know how to make it an image so anyone who cares to see the diagram can click here. It is linked to Google docs.

The last page is just a narrative summary of circumstances surrounding death and it's signed by someone.

I hate that all this happened to him. But it's clear that he fought as hard as he could and it's clear that the doctors and nurses did everything they could do to try to save him. I wish it would have been possible.

First night alone

I do believe this is my first night completely alone since Matt's death. With the kids, I mean. It has been going okay. I really thought it was going to be a long night but thankfully, Noah went to sleep at his usual time. Chloe is still up, which is typical.

I really miss Matt. I miss the days when it was the four of us. Our perfect little family of four.

If I could see him again... that would be the best thing in the world. I wish we could have lived together forever. I wish we didn't have to lose our loved ones. I wish he could have watched his children grow up. I wish they could grow up with their daddy.

To live in mourning

It just becomes a part of you.

A dark cloud has been cast over your life.

Some days it is thicker than others.

Some days it thins out enough for the rays to shine through.

But it's always there.


This was my favorite time of year. September-January. I wanted to get married in the fall as a prelude to all the wonderful, festive things that would follow. I still enjoy it but this is the time of year where I will be reminded of what I no longer have - my soul mate. It is going to be a battle every year for the rest of my life.

At least I still have a sense of humor. I was a black widow for Halloween, after all. ;) We had fun last night. It was honestly the most fun I've had on Halloween in a while. Matt would have LOVED it. Petoskey is a wonderful place to be on Halloween.

Do I ever ask "why me?" Yes, sometimes. But not in such a way where it's like, "Why did God do this to me?" It's more like... why was I chosen to endure this? There must be a reason. This is a part of my plan and there must be a purpose to all this. One thing is clear: Living through something like this has enabled me to have a very special relationship with God I never thought I would have.

I bought a dress at Macy's today and the cashier asked me what the occasion was. I said I was just going to a wedding. She said something about a 72-day marriage and then, "I'm glad my marriage wasn't 72 days." And then something about her marriage and many years. I almost said, "You're lucky." But then decided I didn't need or want to go down that road with the cashier at Macy's. And that was that.

If I could talk to Matt just one last time, above all else, I would want to make sure he is okay and happy. I know he is but I just want confirmation from him that he is okay. I want him to say, "Don't worry about me, I am the happiest I have ever been." And I also want to know that he knows that we will be okay, too.

Five Halloweens

Losing Matt is the greatest loss I could ever suffer except for our children. But even then, at the very least I could think, "Now they're with their dad." I feel like any loss that comes after this, while still inevitably painful, I will always think, "They are with Matt now" and that brings me peace. I really don't think it could get worse than this. Knowing that Matt is already in Heaven will comfort me through future losses. He will comfort me.

I will miss Matt a lot tomorrow while we go trick-or-treating with the kids. It's Chloe's first Halloween and Noah's first Halloween where he will actually "get it". So tomorrow will involve some extra doses of "Matt void".

In honor of Halloween, however, I will share some memories of the few we did get to spend together.

In 2005 (our first Halloween), I was a devil fairy thing and Matt was "emo". We went to a couple of parties and did what college

students do, lol.

In 2006, we were engaged; I was a sailor and Matt was V (for Vendetta). We went to some parties and I remember Matt trying to drink with a straw through the mouth hole in his mask, lol. It didn't work out too well.

In 2007, it was our first year married so we had our house in

Midland. Matt bought some kind of ghostly cloak thing with red eyes that lit up. He sat on the porch to hand out candy because I pretty much told him to even though it was cold and rainy. :P But I sat out there with him and he told me I had better at least make him some coffee for making him do that so I did, lol.

In 2008, we were in our townhouse in North Carolina. We didn't get too many trick-or-treaters, which made me happy because I could eat all the leftover candy. We rented a horror flick; it might have been The Descent but I can't remember.

In 2009, we had bought our house in North Carolina and were the new parents of a baby boy. :) We went to a pumpkin patch, Noah in the stroller wearing a little Halloween sleeper, and I remember it was HOT outside. We walked around the pumpkin patch a little bit and talked about how "next year Noah will enjoy it more".

In 2010, I was pregnant with Chloe and Noah was a new walker, 13 months old. We went back to the same pumpkin patch and Noah was walking/stumbling about. I distinctly remember Matt and I on either side of Noah, holding his hands while he walked unsteadily. He fell in the dirt a couple of times. We took him around to look at the animals. We bought him a Winnie the Pooh costume that he wore to his daycare Halloween party and then we took him trick-or-treating to one house across the street but she wasn't home and that was the only house we went to, lol. We got that on camera, Noah's first trick-or-treat attempt. He obviously didn't get it but it was fun watching him walk around in his little Pooh costume.

Five Halloweens. I like to think he's not missing out on anything in his kids' lives. I get sad about all the things they are going to miss with their daddy.