Dreams

I received a call on my phone and after I said, "Hello," the first thing he said was something like, "You sound like your old self again." It was Matt. I was... there's no word to describe it. Shocked, excited, surprised... the next thing I remember is we were together again. I was catching him up on everything he missed. He wasn't in that car accident. He just somehow went missing but everyone thought he was in that car. I told him about how I really needed to do a will. Then I said, "Well, now we need to do one although I will probably just have to re-do it when you die but we should really get one." He seemed skeptical and I said, "Think about our kids. Do you know how dangerous it was for me to go each day without a will that could possibly leave them with no appointed guardians?" Well, not those words exactly but something like that. Then he nodded in agreement. It was weird... he didn't really say much. Or at least I didn't hear his voice. Then I asked him... "Who was in your car that day?" He started to panic when he realized that there was a family out there whose loved one was in that accident and they didn't know it yet. He didn't know who was in his car that day. I remember trying to think if it was one of his co-workers who might have taken his car. Then I woke up.

I always had this fear of Matt getting into another car accident. It worried me to death. I always told him to be careful, drive safely, pay attention. And when he took our kids to daycare... triple panic. I was really worried then because if they all died I would be left with nothing. I would tell myself to relax. What are the odds something like that would happen? Now I know that isn't such a far cry from reality. Now I always have this thought in the back of my mind when someone else drives with my kids. If they got into an accident and died on top of losing Matt... I would really be left with nothing. I still tell myself to relax and not worry. But my fear is a little less "irrational" to me now than it was before.

Well, I have class in a few minutes. I wanted to get that dream down. And the night before, I had a dream where I was communicating to Matt in Heaven and he was describing the transition from Earth to Heaven... kind of. He was talking about purgatory. He said you only have to wait a little while. It depends on the good deeds you've done in your life. But it's not long before you see the glory of Heaven. There was something about good deeds "filling your cup". So strange... I don't know. Dreams are weird.

Five months

I have been having internet issues since I moved. I'm still having some but it looks like I will be able to blog again! We are getting settled in here nicely. Chloe is napping my arms right now so if I cut this short, it's because she woke up!

I have been feeling pretty good over the weekend. Today marks five months since Matt's death. Five months ago today at this very moment I was sitting downstairs where I worked, and I had just been told of the accident. I was sitting in a chair with tears running down my face trying to process everything. I didn't talk much. I was completely stunned. I remember saying at one point, "I don't even know what to do. What am I supposed to do?"

It was as though everything was taken away from me and I forgot how to live all in a split second. I don't even know how I stayed on my feet. I guess I have Karla to thank for that. :)

That day is all quite clear to me still. I hope it stays clear to me for a long time. It was such an awful awful day... but it was the last day I ever saw Matt. The day he died. It's an important day despite how tragic it is.

I had such a depressing dream the other night. I had not dreamed about Matt in such a long time and then I get this? He had cancer. He was given 2-3 months to live. I was trying to think that maybe a miracle would happen; maybe he would survive longer even though it didn't look so good. We were talking and I told him I never wanted to lose him. He got really upset and said, "You'll just find someone else." Through tears, I hugged him and said, "I will never find anyone else." I wanted to say "Our vows were all the days of my life" but I don't know if I actually did. I remember thinking that. My life's not over yet.

I had another dream with him in it last night... but it was really insignificant. I don't remember much about it... or anything for that matter. Just that he was there.

I stopped by the cemetery on Sunday. It was an improvised trip, like they usually are. It's difficult for me not to stop when I drive through Rockford to get to my mom's house; right past the cemetery. Both kiddos were asleep in the car so I stopped.

Well, Chloe's short naps never cease to amaze me...

11-11-11

I love the snow. Yesterday we had our second snowfall of the season. It makes me happy but it's also a reminder of the changing seasons. The changing seasons... evidence that time goes on without Matt.

I've taken a liking to the show Parenthood. I caught an episode on Tuesday night by chance (it came on after something else) and ever since, I've been watching episodes online. It's hilarious but it also makes me cry. I like to watch other people have their problems even though they're fake, lol. I feel like I can identify with their pain even though it's different. It's therapeutic! It's heartwarming. And it brings back happy memories that I shared with Matt (like giving birth to Noah and Chloe). I've now gotten Hulu Plus and I think I will become addicted to it. I found a new joy in curling up in bed at night with Chloe and my laptop and watching old episodes of Parenthood. :)

Today is 11-11-11. Eleven is a very special number and so today is a very special day (and it's Veterans Day!)... but I think the fact that today is 11-11-11 contributed to the most wonderful dreams I ever had last night. I took notes on my phone when my alarm went off at 7:00. I tried to tell myself to take notes right after the dreams but I was still sleeping so that didn't happen.

In the first one, I was on a swing set with a bunch of people. I only remember one person, specifically, it was a guy who also went to our high school who passed away like only a week before Matt did. He was smiling and sitting to my left. There was a girl on my right but I don't know who it was. Everyone was happy. And everyone was holding hands while swinging. I know this sounds insane but dreams are insane. Anyway, it was bright and sunny... an all around warm vibe to this dream. I remember sitting on the swing holding this girl's hand to my right and then this guy walked up, smiling, took my hand and sat to my left. I remember thinking to myself that he was dead but I don't know if any of the other people there were aware of this. They all acted normal and happy. I have no clue where I was. So we were swinging and out in the distance, but not too far away, I saw Matt. He was up high, sitting on the roof of... get this... the white house... get this... reading! For anyone who doesn't know, Matt had a hobby of politics. He lived and breathed politics (well, aside from his family and his career) and he loved to read. He looked at me and smiled. He was wearing a white shirt. I looked at him and smiled. We weren't close enough to speak but close enough to clearly see each other's faces. I mouthed, "I love you," to him and he mouthed back, "I miss you so much," and I said the same. Missing someone is a melancholy feeling and I'm not sure that happens in Heaven but maybe it does. Or maybe human feelings only arise when they are in communication with the living. Look, this is the type of stuff I think about every single second of every single day. My mind is absolutely consumed with incredibly deep thoughts all day long it's almost painful. That is all I remember of that dream. It was amazing.

In my second dream, I was aware of the fact that I was asleep. It was almost as though I was lucid dreaming, I don't know. I heard Matt's voice but I did not see him anywhere. Now I must refer to my phone notes because this gets crazy. Matt was speaking to me, telling me to really feel him, feel his presence... to know that he is here with me. It felt like my body was being lifted. Like he was carrying me or something. It was super strange. I guess it could also be described as a feeling of levitation. Someone is going to have me committed to a mental hospital. Anyway, there came a moment where my concentration slipped because I could hear someone in the kitchen. But I wanted to stay in this dream so bad I fought to stay there and I was able to go back to him before leaving the dream. I felt like I was conscious of the fact that I was really trying to relax so my mind could remain open to this. I could feel myself smiling from ear to ear in my sleep. He was trying to assure me again that this was real but I can't remember his exact words. It was him.

These dreams are profound enough to move me to tears. When I finished taking notes on my phone this morning, it was 7:11.

Okay, so that's done. What else... like I said, I just continuously have thoughts of life after death, when/how will I die, what is Matt doing, what can Matt feel, school, my purpose in life, prayer, the future, Jesus is with me, Matt is with me, take care of the kids, write, think, read, pray, eat, try to function like a normal human being, thinking of others who are overcoming a loss, what is all this for, why do we do the things we do when we are all going to die someday, maybe I was Matt's purpose, maybe the kids were Matt's purpose, I need to clean my room, I need to go to the store, what if I die today, why didn't Matt see the tractor, what would we be doing right now if he was still here, why are things the way they are, my dreams, is Matt with me right now, and I need to stop thinking for a minute to give my brain a break but it's impossible.

That's all.

I remember a time...

We were in the living room one day watching something on TV that sparked a conversation about life after death. Matt said, in more or less words, that he was afraid of death; that he didn't want to die. We were discussing what truly happened when we died. I said, in more or less words, that the prospect of finding out what happens (when we actually die) was kind of exciting. So to not be afraid. I said our bodies are just vessels for our souls which will live on. I calmed his fears about death.

I know he always wanted to live a long life. He wanted to watch his children grow. He wanted to be there for all the things a dad experiences, from teaching his kids how to tie their shoes to hearing them say, "I hate you" for the first time. He wanted all of it. The good and the bad. He loved life and he especially loved life as a daddy. I don't know why he didn't get to have it. Why? Is it more painful that he didn't get to have his long life for him or for me? Is he really here... getting to see his children even though he cannot interact with them? Does he see us from afar? Is he in this room with me? Can he not see us but hear our deepest thoughts? Does he miss us? I don't know the answers to any of these questions. But I can tell you that these are the types of questions that are constantly running through my mind every single second of every single day.

Something I struggle with is being happy for other people. It's not that I'm not happy for them, actually. I should rephrase that. What I struggle with is expressing my happiness for others. A lot of the time. Not all the time. Most of the time. I'm just not in the mood. I'm praying to be able to feel joy at others' joy. But it's not coming very easily. And it makes me feel bad. But I know I shouldn't feel bad. Which is also annoying. I know I shouldn't feel bad so then I feel bad about feeling bad about feeling bad. Things are complicated.

I looked at a lot of pictures of Matt today. I created two folders: Matt & Noah and Matt & Chloe. So far, I have 114 pictures of Matt and Noah together and 8 pictures of Matt and Chloe together (and that includes one when she was still in my belly). I don't imagine the Matt & Chloe folder will grow much more, unfortunately. I'm sure there are less than 15 pictures of Matt and Chloe together out there in the world. But you know what? I'm thankful for those less than 15. I'm thankful that he was able to be with his baby girl for four months. That's better than none.

My life has certainly turned in a direction I never expected. The rug was pulled out from underneath me. I feel like this is a second life. The only constant between my two lives is our children. Besides that, everything is new to me. I lost a lot. But I can't dismiss the fact that I've also gained a lot. I lost my husband but I gained Christ (and a guardian angel). I lost my husband but I've gained stronger relationships than before. I lost my husband but I've gained a new purpose in life. A new perspective. A new attitude. Why did he have to be the sacrifice though? I lost my husband, I lost everything. I lost everything and gained everything. Things are complicated.

I fell asleep with Chloe this afternoon and dreamed about Matt. I have noticed that Matt almost never speaks in my dreams. If he does, it's very little. In this one, Matt had been dead but he came back. We were trying to take a scenic tour up a mountain but the lines were so incredibly long. He said, "We don't have to do it," and I said, "Are you sure? We don't know if we will ever have the chance again." We decided to leave but on our way back, we saw an elevator with no line. All of a sudden, everyone else was gone and it was just the two of us. We got on the elevator (which was like an elevator or a gondola, I'm not even sure) to the top of this great scenic mountain view and it was at sunset. The entire horizon was lit up with bright, hot pink sunlight. I said, "Have you ever seen such a bright pink sky? Well, you probably have," referring to the fact that he had already been in Heaven where everything is beautiful and vibrant. He didn't say anything. That was it. That was my dream.

Every night I think, "One more day down." "One more day without Matt." "One less day I have to live without him." It's almost as though I'm just waiting. Just counting the days away. Each night is a relief. I made it through one more day. I wonder if he knows how many more I have left. I don't even think it really matters. I've come to realize that one more day without him versus a thousand more days without him... it's all the same. One day without him is just as painful as a thousand days without him. It will never change. I'm learning to live with it. I'm learning that this void never goes away; you just get used to it. That's the thing about losing a loved one. There is no moving on from it. You can't move on from it. It stays with you forever.

My inappropriate sense of humor was totally wanting to embed a clip from The Sandlot here. Is that bad? Can I do that? Matt would totally get it but I don't know if anyone else would. X( Behind all of my heartfelt writing I do have a funny side. And I'm not denying that it can come up at the most inappropriate of times.

Regardless, I have to share this quote from Matt himself. I had written it on one of his folders in college to document this extremely insightful statement:

"Dude, erasers are so awesome. Do you ever think about that?" ~Matthew K. Hales

I had a lot of crazy dreams last night.

Matt showed up in the middle of one. It was really strange. I was having a dream with him in it (as a character)... and then he showed up. So there were two of him. The "real" Matt was just standing there and he smiled at me. He looked really good, too. He is getting tan (from all that Heavenly light, I suppose), lol. And it looked like he just had a haircut; it was short. It was right at the end of this dream I was having; right before I woke up. Oh, and now that I'm recording this, my memory is serving me well - we hugged. We hugged and I kind of folded myself into his chest, I turned my head (to my left) and pressed it against him to get as close to him as I possibly could. It seemed very brief. Brief but wonderful. We did not talk. Then I woke up.

This is the best thing that happens to me these days. It's the closest to him I can ever get for as long as I live. So I hold onto these special moments that are purely transcendental. They bring me back to him and remind me that even though I can't touch him, can't speak to him, can't smell him, can't hear him... he is not far. Always with me.