Christmas Angel

Tonight, I just feel like sharing lyrics to a song that Matt wrote in 2005.


Christmas Angel

By: Matt Hales

Tuning (low to high) – C, G, D, G, B, D

Verse:

My future waits for me
Standing beside our Christmas tree
Wrapped in white, her eyes look like
The snowfall on the outside
I look at her and say…

Chorus 1:

You’re my Christmas angel
Perched atop the tree
Instilling all you gaze upon, with sweetened holiday dreams

Verse:

I do recall our falling into
A Christmas love that will last forever
For the first time complete
Finally I felt set free
When those eyes, they said to me
“Won’t you be my everything

Chorus 1:

You’re my Christmas angel
Perched atop the tree
Instilling all you gaze upon, with sweetened holiday dreams
I’ll strike up the fire
If you’ll cue up the songs
We shall dance forever
To the melodies of one year ago
You’re the greatest gift given to me.
You’ve the prettiest face I’ve ever seen

Bridge:

If you weren’t here for Christmas, things wouldn’t be the same
Although this is the first of many, you define my holiday.

Bridge 2:

Chorus 1:

Stephanie
You’re my Christmas angel
Perched atop the tree
Instilling all you gaze upon, with sweetened holiday dreams
I’ll strike up the fire
If you’ll cue up the songs
We shall dance forever
To the melodies of one year ago
You’re the greatest gift given to me

Fade Out:

You’re my Christmas angel
You’re my Christmas angel
You’re my Christmas angel darling
You’re my Christmas angel, and you’re the only one for me

I have much more to share, of course. It has been several days since my last post. I went to a support group for the first time last night and I hope to write about that soon. Things have been chaotic without a daycare to do the hard work for me, ha ha.

God Bless

Christmas

I typed the following into a Word document last night due to my sketchy internet connection.

Christmas. It was honestly not as bad as I anticipated. I kept myself busy and these kids make it impossible to ignore the joy that this time of year brings. They are my angels. It was fun. I wish more than anything that Matt could have been here to watch their faces light up (well, Noah’s face) at the Christmas lights and presents… and I hope that he was able to see that. I just wish we could have been together; the family that we should have been. We should have been together in our home in North Carolina doing all this. We should have been packing up to leave for Michigan tomorrow. This was supposed to be OUR first Christmas together in our home.

I guess I’ve gotten used to the “should have beens”. I tend to think of them now as “never meant to be’s”. It just wasn’t meant to be that way. I always thought it would be but God had other plans. Even when I think of it that way… doesn’t make it any less sad. The busyness of the holiday kept me from becoming depressed. I’ve been constantly surrounded by loving family and I’ve been focused on trying to make this time of year fun for others (like the kids, of course). What is kind of cool is that Matt saw what half of their presents were. I bought their Christmas presents throughout the year – one per child per month to be exact. I had a lot of fun doing it that way. I looked forward to a new month because I got to keep my eye out for presents and I would show Matt what they were. I wonder what he would have gotten me for Christmas this year. I haven’t even really thought about what I would have gotten for him. I push that to the back of my mind although every time I go shopping, I still can’t help but to glance at the men’s clothes and think about what he would look good in or what he would like. I oftentimes think, “I wish Matt was here so I could buy that for him.” The only difference between Christmas this year and Christmases past is that I would be sad when Christmas was over in years past; I would start counting down the days until the next Christmas on December 26. Now, I am just glad it’s over and I don’t really care about the next one. It’s just another day without Matt. I don’t mean for that to sound as negative as it comes off; it’s true. I still partake in celebrations but the bottom line is… it’s just another day without Matt. Everything is duller now.

Overall, Christmas was okay. Different but okay. I get up every day and think, “I’m okay” and I thank God every night for the strength He has graced me with. I know He will direct me, I just have to let Him lead. And I continuously think about the day I will see Matt again. That alone makes me happy. It’s what I live for.
I found a new daycare for the kids. It is so great that it was the only place I toured. It’s very similar to the center we used in North Carolina so I felt comfortable with it right away. It’s new, I like the way it’s set up and it’s very close to the highway. It’s just around the corner from where I grew up. I thought today while I was driving that I appreciate my hometown so much more after being away for 3-1/2 years; especially under these circumstances. It feels good to be back home where my support system is. I’m so glad that our kids will be raised here, around people who knew their dad and will be able to share stories about him.

I went for a manicure on Friday and she asked straight away what my “hubby” did for a living. When Matt comes up in conversation, I automatically go to say, “He’s dead,” but I stop myself because it sounds so horrible. I always end up saying, “He died in July,” but I still shared that he was a pharmaceutical sales rep. One of these days I will feel comfortable just saying he’s dead. I just need to say it. Maybe I still can’t grasp it so I try to use nicer terms. Turns out, the woman doing my nails lost a child years ago. She said after a while, it just becomes a part of your story and you don’t worry about other people feeling sorry for you. It is what it is and it can never be changed.

Right now, I am just doing the best I can with what I have and letting God do the rest. I hope everyone had a merry Christmas with good food, good family and good faith!

Five months

I have been having internet issues since I moved. I'm still having some but it looks like I will be able to blog again! We are getting settled in here nicely. Chloe is napping my arms right now so if I cut this short, it's because she woke up!

I have been feeling pretty good over the weekend. Today marks five months since Matt's death. Five months ago today at this very moment I was sitting downstairs where I worked, and I had just been told of the accident. I was sitting in a chair with tears running down my face trying to process everything. I didn't talk much. I was completely stunned. I remember saying at one point, "I don't even know what to do. What am I supposed to do?"

It was as though everything was taken away from me and I forgot how to live all in a split second. I don't even know how I stayed on my feet. I guess I have Karla to thank for that. :)

That day is all quite clear to me still. I hope it stays clear to me for a long time. It was such an awful awful day... but it was the last day I ever saw Matt. The day he died. It's an important day despite how tragic it is.

I had such a depressing dream the other night. I had not dreamed about Matt in such a long time and then I get this? He had cancer. He was given 2-3 months to live. I was trying to think that maybe a miracle would happen; maybe he would survive longer even though it didn't look so good. We were talking and I told him I never wanted to lose him. He got really upset and said, "You'll just find someone else." Through tears, I hugged him and said, "I will never find anyone else." I wanted to say "Our vows were all the days of my life" but I don't know if I actually did. I remember thinking that. My life's not over yet.

I had another dream with him in it last night... but it was really insignificant. I don't remember much about it... or anything for that matter. Just that he was there.

I stopped by the cemetery on Sunday. It was an improvised trip, like they usually are. It's difficult for me not to stop when I drive through Rockford to get to my mom's house; right past the cemetery. Both kiddos were asleep in the car so I stopped.

Well, Chloe's short naps never cease to amaze me...

Memories in clothes

I am going through the packing process again. On a slightly lesser scale but as I was packing up my clothes today, I just kept stopping on certain things that I had when Matt was alive. Like a dress that I wore to a wedding and I remembered us dancing together. A dress that he bought for me in Hawaii and I remember wearing it on our honeymoon in Aruba. The sweater he got me for Christmas last year when I was pregnant. Tops that I wore often when I was pregnant with Noah. A couple of tops that I bought shortly before he died. Some graphic tees I bought while we were shopping in Myrtle Beach together. Same thing with a hoodie. A nightshirt that he got me on our first (well, technically second if you count high school) Valentine's Day together. All these little memories made me stop and think so packing up my clothes has been a day-long process. I haven't even started on the kids' clothes yet. Or anything else for that matter.

The shirt I was wearing the day he died... I got rid of it in North Carolina. And the pants, too. I never wanted to see those clothes again.

So yes... moving again. And it's not the last time. We are moving to a "temporary home" about 30-40 minutes north of Grand Rapids. It's a nice homey cottage on the lake. We already stayed there one weekend to test it out. It is so cute. It will be an hour long commute to Grand Valley every day (and an hour back) but... it's temporary, like I said. I'm sure there will be times that we stay in Rockford, too.

One more step away from our old lives. It's weird. I miss Matt. We would be hanging out at home right now. Probably eating dinner. Then one of us would go give Noah a bath and we would all read bedtime stories together. Miss him tons.

Then and now

I was not very religious before Matt died. I wanted to be. I believed. I respected religion. But anything I had just felt it was coming from the outside. I was religious according to what I saw in other people. I was just trying to do what they did... going through the motions, if you will. It was not coming from within. I don't even like to admit this but it was almost as though I turned my nose up at the idea of really trying. But now I realize that I shouldn't have to "really try." It should just be there. It wasn't there. I don't know why. Matt was a good start though. He brought me to church and he encouraged me to attend Mass regularly and pray regularly. I was baptized because of him. And that is a really big deal! I only now realize what a big deal that is. Because now I realize how important it is to "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10), "Fear not for I am with you" (Isaiah 41:10), "Trust in the Lord with all your heart" (Proverbs 3:5), etc. etc. Just live in Christ. I was not before. Now the gospel is on my lips and on my heart; something completely uncharacteristic of the person I was before Matt died. I truly feel it from within where I didn't before.

I received an incredibly kind and gracious letter from the CEO and president of Mary Free Bed. As if he isn't busy enough, he took the time to hand-write a thank you card in response to the donation and letter I sent in memory of Matt! The donation will be used specifically for resources related to traumatic brain injury patients, which is so wonderful and exactly what Matt would want. I can only imagine how happy this makes him and I am happy to have been able to contribute to an organization that Matt held near and dear to his heart.

"I had heard of you by word of mouth,

but now my eye has seen you." Job 42:5

I'm going to be honest

Like always.

I'm not strong all the time. It's late nights like these, after I'm finished doing a mediocre job of ensuring that my two kids don't kill themselves for the day, when I'm left feeling quite empty and I just want to drown all my sorrows in a.) a slew of curse words b.) alcohol, c.) bitter, envious thoughts or d.) all of the above.

A recipe for danger.

I know in my heart that I need to stay focused on the big picture here... but at the same time, what's a little danger? I think it's healthy to take some time to be angry, weak and pitiful. As long as it is done responsibly... and sparingly. So here I am; wallowing in my depression, thinking of all the great things Matt and I will never have together that everyone else will and I'll have the pleasure of watching with a smile on my face. My kids are going to grow up without their dad, I'm a single widowed mother, I'm going back to school with a 9-month old who is addicted to my boob and won't take a bottle and a two-year old who grabs knives out of the dishwasher and runs with them. Ahhh... life is so great.

In the recent weeks following Matt's death I would stay awake as long as I could because I never wanted tomorrow to come. Now that it's become pretty obvious that I can't stop time by becoming an insomniac, I celebrate the evenings - one more day is over. I think I need to pray and go to bed. One more day is over.

I'm not strong all the time.

He is waiting for me on the other side.

I am just waiting for that day when I get to meet him there. We're both waiting. I don't care how long it takes. Just knowing that I will be there one day is enough. I can't live here forever.

I have spent so many hours pondering the meaning of life. I think the meaning of life is to bring out the best in others. There's more to that, of course. I presumably have many more hours to continue thinking about the meaning of life.

I have an appointment set up to attend a "new member meeting" at a grief support center in Grand Rapids. I'm really excited about it. The meeting is on the 26th. A couple of other things I need to get lined up are 1.) a counselor and 2.) a will. Oh... and 3.) daycare.

I found the YouTube account that Matt created, finally. I couldn't remember our username and he was the one who always uploaded the vids. But since they changed their layout and connected to Google... well, I must have been signed into Matt's Google account and I found it. So I was able to link the video bar to the right to our account and I uploaded all the videos that were on Matt's phone that weren't yet on there. Two are of Chloe - Matt talking to her. How special it will be for her to have those. So now they are over there on the side, all in one place. I just need to find the charger to our camcorder because there is a lot more footage that I can't wait to see. One I remember specifically is Matt "interviewing" me at the hospital the night before I had Noah. There's also one I can think of where we are just being silly in the kitchen. I'm so glad he bought that thing. He bought it in 2009 because we were having a baby.

Kristen and I are going to get pedicures today. Some lovely girl time. :) She is home for Christmas break and it makes me happy. Love you, Kristen!