Incredibly Weird Dream

Separated by ellipses because dreams are such a jumble. This is obviously a figment of my imagination.

I was at the visitation and for some reason, I went to open the casket even though I didn't want to see Matt's body. I started to open it while looking and then I quickly looked away and said, "I can't believe I almost looked at him." All I saw was his shirt.

.....

Matt appeared but I was the only one who could see him. I don't think he knew what was going on. I told him he was dead. He looked in the casket and saw himself. He started crying, saying, "What have I done?" But I said, "Aren't you in bliss now?" He said no. I said I know there was purgatory... and he said he was still waiting, that it took a while. I said, "Well, I'm living high-risk now... driving irresponsibly..." and I laughed. But then I thought, I better live like a really good person because Matt would probably be out of purgatory by the time I died, and then I would have to wait that much longer to see him.

.....

He said he could get on Facebook but he hasn't because he didn't want to creep anyone out. I thought, "Couldn't you at least send me a message?"

.....

He could move really fast like a vampire.

/dream

It was weird. Obviously.

I was having profound thoughts on my way downtown this afternoon. I think that God has bestowed this experience on me in such a way that I can handle. Well, I don't believe that He would ever want us to experience such heartache but that's the way it must be. And because it must be like this, He has helped to alleviate my pain in small ways that have allowed me to handle it as best as I can.

For example, I picture Matt after his death worrying about us. But him being told that this is the best way. Me not seeing him in the hospital. Never getting to say goodbye because that would have made it harder on me. Him not being left alive and brain dead only for me to have to make the decision to say goodbye. As sucky as it is, I think it could always be worse. So that's what I thought about today. God's plan. Everything happens how it was meant to happen.

This is how it works

You're young until you're not

You love until you don't

You try until you can't

You laugh until you cry

You cry until you laugh

And everyone must breathe

Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works

You peer inside yourself

You take the things you like

And try to love the things you took

And then you take that love you made

And stick it into some

Someone else's heart

Pumping someone else's blood

And walking arm in arm

You hope it don't get harmed

But even if it does

You'll just do it all again

Regina Spektor - On the Radio