Over a month?? :(

I can't believe it's been that long since I last wrote.  I bought a house!  And closing Monday afternoon.  I am ecstatic.  I'm drawing a blank as to what else to say... school is coming to a close so finals are on my mind and it's sucking the life out of me.  I'm literally going to copy and paste from an email I sent to my support group leader a couple days ago, lol.

 Life has been treating me well but also keeping me very busy!  I am so excited and so ready to get back into a house that I can finally call home again.  I am just really looking forward to getting into a more regular routine with the kids and settling into a permanent dwelling!  Poor little Chloe has never lived in the same place for longer than six months.  It will be so awesome to have that "little family of four" feeling again, probably the best Christmas gift I could ask for, really.  It has ONLY been 17 months since Matt died but at the same time, it has been such a long road to this point and I am READY.

 Something else I was thinking of today is in regards to my fabulous relationship.  I would like to start out by saying that the pivotal date of my lifetime, July 20, 2011, and the events that followed soon thereafter, left me with deeply rooted emotions that I will never forget.  They occasionally creep back to me and it's not a bad thing, but they definitely leave me with sort of an empty, hollow, sad feeling.  I allow myself to feel these emotions, get teary eyed, whatever... and they eventually subside until next time.  How this relates to my boyfriend... well, obviously he was present for everything back in July of 2011, too, and is just as affected by it as I am.  When I get these sad feelings, I am also so THANKFUL that I am with someone who knows exactly what they are.  I am blessed to be with someone who knew my husband as well as I did.  The next thing I think about is actually quite depressing and I try not to think about it often but I can't help but think about it... probably more often than I should - losing him, too.  Maybe I'm even a little paranoid about it.  Sometimes I think if I can go through it once, I can go through it again and other times I think it will probably be something that hits me even worse than the first time.  Either way, it's just something that I expect to happen sooner or later and I wish I didn't think about it but I do.  Maybe it's a good thing.  Maybe not.  Maybe it gives me a good but morbid perspective on life.  Whatever it is... it's there.

Like I said, my brain is in academic overload so I can't even think of a conclusion.  Well, I seldom think of a smooth transition to a conclusion but today my excuse is finals next week.  Good luck to me!

Until next time...

Times they are a'changing

Here I am!  Feeling like my old self again, with some minor adjustments, of course.  Things have been quite hectic, hence the lack of blog posts.  I think about writing every day but actually getting (making) the time to do so requires some effort.  I'm not going to lie, I like to lay in bed every night with my boo-bear and watch Breaking Bad on Netflix or illegal downloads of Dexter.  But the boo-bear isn't here tonight so my pre-sleepytime activity is this.

Where to start...

School.  Oh yeah, that plan is taking a bit of a turn for the lengthy.  My problem is that I screwed around when I went to college straight out of high school and ended up with a (as it turns out) less than desirable GPA.  I have been doing well since returning but that "overall" GPA is keeping me from being eligible to even apply to the college of nursing this year.  I had to write a letter to the admissions committee asking them to waive the overall GPA requirement.  They denied it.  They want to see how I finish up this year and then I am to apply for the same waiver again next year (so even next year isn't a guarantee).  It sucks but I have learned that everything happens for a reason.

My plan for next summer is to go to a local "trade" school, if you will, and become a nurse technician.  That way I can at least get some experience under my belt and make some extra cash, not to mention, utilize my time... until I can find a way into a nursing school somewhere (preferably here, obviously).  Actually, it has to be here because I'm not moving.

Oh, speaking of moving... I am house hunting now, too.  I am ready to be on my own.  Well, I wont' be completely on my own.  I know single mothers do it all the time but I don't see why I would live alone when I have a perfectly great boyfriend with whom to live.  :)  That might sound a little crazy to some but remember, this is someone who I considered to be a good friend for a very long time; my husband's best friend no less... someone who was there for me and the kids - to help fill that void that was left after Matt died.  Noah's Godfather... an amazing man who keeps me laughing all the time... at this point in my life... after having been married once already... on the wrong side of 25 (that's just a joke)... I know what I want in a man and he is it.  I am extremely lucky.

So it's time.  I started house hunting last Friday and it went well.  We have zeroed in on one particular house that we really really like with a superb floorplan in a beautiful neighborhood... and I'm paranoid that it's going to sell before our second showing on Wednesday.  :-/  I try not to get too excited over it.

Running.  It has been treating me very well.  In fact, I ran my first half marathon today; the halfie that I've been training for since March!  My sister-in-law and I ran it together (it was her idea to begin with) and we finished 13.1 miles in 2 hours and 17 seconds.  It felt very rewarding to cross that finish line knowing that that moment symbolized everything I had gone through in the last 15 months.  All the pain, all the heartache, all the unwelcome change... running was a great outlet during my healing process.  And this is what it has become - such a feeling of victory and accomplishment!  All from a little 13 mile run.

We ran the halfie carrying roses for Matthew with the intention of putting them on his grave but I kind of forgot about that last part today.  But the important part was carried out!  We knew he was there with us, cheering us on, when we heard a Michael Jackson song come on at one of the aid stations between miles 9 and 10.

Life is good.

It was one year ago today that I got back.

Today not only marks a day where thousands of families got torn apart due to the devastating 9/11 attacks, but also the day I moved back to Michigan, officially.  So it has now been a year since I have seen North Carolina.

When I was reflecting upon 9/11 this morning, my heart went out to all the wives who lost their husbands and children who lost their fathers.  Of course, it hurts for everyone who lost a family member but I spent a little more time thinking about those who are in our shoes.  I wonder how they are doing today. I hope they have found happiness and contentment, like they never thought possible.  From my personal experience, it is quite amazing how much brighter and how much more special everyday things are to me now than they were before.  I hope anyone who goes through such a tragedy comes out of it feeling blessed in the long run, no matter how much time it may take.

My professor pointed out that most of the people in my class were in elementary school when this happened.  Wow!  I pointed that out to Matthew and he laughed because, while I was in high school, he was actually in college.

Side note: I hope it doesn't become confusing between talking about my husband Matt and my boyfriend Matt... although I am sure the context makes it pretty obvious but I recognize that it may take a minute sometimes. :P

I think about this blog often.  I think about how much healing it brought me by enabling me to write out my emotions and share them with anyone who cared to have a read.  It is apparent that my entries are becoming more sporadic these days.  Life is becoming normal.  School is making this a long transition process but my plan is falling into place nicely... even though I am somewhat impatient.

I have been training for that half marathon I know I talked about before.  I was supposed to do a 10 mile training run tomorrow but I feel an injury in progress if I don't take it easy this week.  So I will have to postpone it until next week.  Running has been another outlet for me in my healing process.  It's a great opportunity to zone out, think about life, and abuse myself a little bit. ;)  The longest run I have done so far is 8 miles and that was a good run so I hope this minor setback doesn't throw me off too much.

My entries will become more lighthearted and superficial but I plan on continuing to keep this blog.  It won't always be super emotional and heartfelt like it was a year ago but I suppose that's a good sign.  Like, I said, I am finding a new normal and things are going pretty well!

And so it begins... again

School!  I am just going to dismiss the fact that I took summer classes and consider this Round #2.  Me + summer classes = never again.  In fact, I may... certainly... re-take organic chem.  As for keeping my B in anatomy 1, that's yet to be decided.  I need to meet with my academic adviser pretty soon.

Right now I am taking microbiology, genetics and anatomy 2.  Micro and genetics seem like they are going to go well.  I like my professors in those.  I have anatomy 2 for the first time today at 4:00 and that is the class for which I am most scared!  I barely survived anatomy 1... but at least this time there is no lab requirement for me.

My study schedule is supreme.  I have all day Monday, Wednesday and Friday (well, I will try to work ahead to allow myself a little break-ski on Fridays) to study.  Then I have from 10am-4pm to study on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  This no lab thing is already feeling pretty nice.

The kids are doing great.  Noah is going to turn three next Friday, the 7th!  Which means Chloe is nearing the year and a half mark.  As long as I keep them busy... it's not too bad wrangling them on my own. So I am going to try to plan for walks, parks, bike rides... etc. every day after daycare while the weather is still nice.  Once the snow comes, I will have to brainstorm for some indoor activities!

I moved back with my in-laws who bought a house in our hometown earlier this month.  It is relatively close to the highway and has ample space for us (and my things, lol... mostly clothes).  It is nice to have a shorter commute out to Grand Valley every day.

My "budding romance" is superb.  Not sure why I just called it that but either way... things are great. :)  He is so considerate, adventurous, fun, funNY, easygoing, handles the kids as well as possible, and is caring and affectionate.  I love spending time with him and I feel that things shall continue to go very well for us in the future.

It's so distant!

That life I once had... seems so far away.  I have flashbacks every day of the little things.  Just the way Matt looked at me, the way he talked, how he felt when he hugged me.  It is hard to hold onto all those little things.  My worst fear was forgetting.  But I imagine it's hard not to forget those things after this much time has passed.  I still can't believe I haven't seen him in over a year.  Well, 13 months today to be exact.  In fact, right about now was the time I was stepping out of my office building to face everything that my new life would bring without Matt. 

I was thinking about how precious life is during my eight-mile run today.  I was just appreciating it.  I was thinking about all the things that can be accomplished in one lifetime.  And all the things that can't when it's cut short.  I hope that Matt knows he lives in my heart every single day and that I carry him with me everywhere I go. 

Okay, seriously, I am going to write.

I have some time between my chem exam (death sentence) and lab (bo-ring!) so here I am.  I meant to write on the one-year anniversary... it ended up being a very busy day; it didn't go at all how I originally planned.

As soon as I published my last post, the daycare called me to let me know Chloe was sick.  I was sooo disappointed!  I was going to spend the day with Matt S. and just do whatever we wanted but at that point I knew that I would need to be home with her.  Later on, however, I realized that maybe I SHOULD be spending that day with the kids so I refocused and made plans to keep both Noah and Chloe home and we would go to Meijer gardens that afternoon.  It turned out nice.

Today is Matt's birthday; he would be 29.  Odd to think he died when he was 27 although it was just 11 days before he turned 28.  It's also odd to think that I will see a number at my next birthday he never saw.  He was two years older than me so it's strange that I will pass him!

Anyway, I wish I felt like writing something deep and meaningful today but I just don't have it in me.  I am just so thankful for all the support I have received in the last year and I am astounded at the blessings that have come upon me lately.  I never would have imagined life turning out this way.  Well, that is a poor choice of words because you never know what is waiting around the corner.  But for now, I am enjoying my blessings. :)  And I am ready for whatever awaits!

(almost) One year

This is what I have been thinking about when I have been thinking about approaching the one year mark:

(1) How incredibly supportive family, friends and strangers alike have been to me throughout this.
(2) I can't believe it has been a year since I've seen Matt's face.
(3) I can't believe how far I have come... mainly because of #1 but also by turning to God for guidance and surrendering to His will.

So here is how I think it will go.  I honestly don't dread it.  I can't 100% pull apart the significance of "one year" from when it was one day, one week or one month.  It's just longer.  It still sucks.  It's a sucky situation.  But it has been this way for a while now.  A whole year.  That is just crazy.

I frequently think of all the love I/we received following Matt's death.  It is something I will always remember; never forget.  Especially those who were there with me and there for me in North Carolina within seconds, minutes, hours and days.  I was so very far away from home (Michigan) at that time and yet I really felt like I was home.  My friends and co-workers for just being there that very day.  Hugging me, crying with me, and visiting me at home the days following.  April, who never left my side; driving me to the daycare to get the kids and then home for the first time when I knew Matt would never be there again.  You just hugged me while I cried and listened to me when I needed to sob through a memory that was sparked by some random item in the house.

The staff and parents at our daycare for completely taking care of me in every way you could possibly imagine!  They all but carted in loads of supplies for us like snacks, water, paper plates, toys and activities for the kids, diapers, wipes... it was amazing.  They even pooled together a fund to help me out financially in the immediate days and weeks following Matt's death.  The amount of support I received from them, most of whom I had never met, was... there's not even a word for it but I suppose absolutely incredible works.

Britt for taking the initiative to set up a college fund for Noah and Chloe.  You started it all and the results of your efforts are something for which I will always be grateful.

Those who texted me that night for just letting me know that I was being thought of and prayed for.  It meant the world to me.  This day and age of social networking and text messages was a blessing for someone who just lost her husband.  All the "cyber support" was uplifting and I'm pretty sure I was on Facebook probably 90% of my time the first week after Matt died.  I hope I don't have this mixed up but Lacey, I just remember pouring my heart out to you in text messages the night of July 20 and I didn't even know you!  Thank you for allowing me to do that.

My family; mom, dad, grandma, Mark, Tracy, Tom and Kristen... for showing up at my door the next day, despite the 1,000-mile journey.  One way or another, you made sure you were there for me and we helped each other through the arduous process that was to follow for the next few weeks.  And especially my father-in-law, Mark, who basically made me get business done and kept everything organized for me because I can guarantee that would not have happened without you!  I love you guys all so much.

There are so many people I could thank for so many things over the last year.  The ones I mentioned are just a handful and they demonstrate the support I received during those critical first few days after July 20.  The food, the Edible Arrangements, the gift baskets, the sympathy cards, the bible verses, the books, the supplies, the Mass cards, the hugs, the condolences, the songs, the prayers, the donations, the help... everything.  If I have learned anything in the past year, I have learned how good and generous people are.  But I have also learned much more... I intend to blog again tomorrow.