Beautiful for you

I contacted the makeup artist who did my makeup for our wedding a couple days before Matt's visitation and funeral. I wanted to look beautiful for him. He would often tell me that I am beautiful every day... but I was the most beautiful on our wedding day. It seemed kind of strange that I was going to get my makeup professionally done for my husband's funeral. But I wanted to do it for him. I was saying goodbye to my husband and I thought that deserved the same respect as pledging my life to him almost four years earlier. And so I called her. And she did my makeup for both occasions; she felt honored to do it and she did it for nothing in return.

People are so good and so kind - always there to lift you up when you need it most. Everybody's generosity and loving prayers are definitely not going unnoticed. Anything from a simple Facebook message to a phone call to a dinnertime delivery to a beautiful floral arrangement to a college fund contribution... ANYTHING, no matter how small it may seem has been a huge blessing. So I just want to say thank you right now for all of the support and help and offers we have received in the last two weeks. It really means more than I could ever truly express. And, in Matt's words, "I pray that the Lord blesses you for your goodness".

He is everywhere.

I swear I heard him whisper my name this morning. "Steph" I know my mind is just making things up because I want so badly to hear him again. To see him again. To touch him again. But I don't care. Maybe it was real.

I was going through Noah's drawer this morning and noticed a brand new unworn pair of navy pinstripe pants. Pants that I grabbed off the clearance rack at Babies R Us last fall. I thought, "Matt is going to love these." Noah never did have a chance to wear them. I kept them around just in case he might still fit into them for some other special occasion like Easter or something. I didn't realize when I bought those pants, Noah would be wearing them to his daddy's funeral.

I think about what went through his mind right before it happened. Or right as it happened. I want nothing more than to know that he was unafraid, pain-free. But I won't know that, ever. I have to keep reminding myself that no matter how tragic his death was, he is looking down on us from a place that is providing him nothing but comfort and assurance that we will be okay. Because I know he is worried about us... that is how he is. And I am, too. But being surrounded by family and friends and thousands of warm wishes helps me realize that I am not alone.

The abundance of prayers for both Matt, myself and our families is so very much appreciated.