As long as I entertain often and have company over every single night or visit someone else every single night. Because I'm finally getting a preview of what life will be like when I'm really on my own again and it's LONELY! I never even realized how lonely it would be. I have no one (i.e. my husband) to talk to. It's weird. I'm not used to this. Of course, once the kids age that will change a bit. But that probably won't be for another 10 years at least, lol. But besides that, it's okay I guess.
It's hard to believe it has been almost a year. A year ago I was on maternity leave. Matt took Noah to daycare every morning and picked him up every morning while I stayed home and bonded with little Chlo-Chlo. I would take pictures of her on my phone and send them to Matt throughout the day.
My, how life has changed. It only took three individual therapy sessions with my counselor before he decided that I was doing well enough to push my next appointment two weeks out instead of one.
How weird is it right now that this song is playing - one of those moments...
Have you ever felt so strong
That it made you feel weak
Long days
Long nights
And you just can't sleep
Have you ever been so sure
That it gave you cold feet
That felt all bare
You can feel your heart beat
Well I never knew this feeling never
Now I hope it stays and last forever
I am riding high
I don't want to come down
Hope my wings don't fail me now
And If I can touch the sky
I'd risk to fall just to know how it feels to fly
Alicia Keys - How It Feels to Fly
I think I can say that life is okay right now. I'm looking out the window watching a little girl swing around her dad's legs while he talks on his cell phone... which is totally something I could picture Chloe doing with Matt one non-existent day. I don't feel sad when I see things like that anymore. It actually makes me feel good. And maybe that's not even her dad. Maybe her dad died and that's her uncle or something. I mean, everyone who takes one look at my left ring finger thinks I'm married. You just never know... The unthinkable happens.
This is such a great post to read! My son Matthew is the same age as your son (I "met" you on The Nest's baby boards a way long time ago and have followed your blogs since then). I'm glad to hear you are finding your new "normal." I think about you often and hope you know you have a lot of support out here in internet land, even if we don't comment all that often.
ReplyDeleteI think about everyone from The Nest/The Bump often and I'm so thankful for all the support I've gotten from that community. You guys are awesome and I love you. I went back a month or so ago but I just felt so out of place. I don't really know how I fit in there anymore and I have been gone for so long it seems that I'm not sure if anyone there knows me... but you all have a special place in my heart. :)
ReplyDeleteGlad to see you are finding happiness, Stephanie! I hope your days continue to get better and better! Your blog is inspiring. I knew the Hales family from when I was little; our families had cottages about two apart from each other. I used to chat with Matt on AIM, and he was so helpful and comforting when one of my friends got into a car accident and was in a coma 6 years ago. Anyway, I also went to Grand Valley and graduated from KCON, so I wish the best of luck to you. And I love the quote you ended the post with, that is so very true. Have a great day, week, and so on!
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