New beginnings?

I wrote this last night and didn't get a chance to post until this morning.

I'm spending my "new year's eve" home with the kids. In fact, I'm just ignoring the fact that it's a new year altogether. I see no reason to celebrate the passage of time. Big deal. 2011 was the darkest year of my life. 2012 is just going to consist of me being forced to change my life because, well, I don't really have much of a choice.

We began 2011 with bright prospects of the future. I was six months pregnant with our baby girl (that we didn't know was a girl at the time). We anticipated our growing family with delight and oftentimes thought about what the future was going to hold for us. Eventually, we wanted to end up back in West Michigan or in the Triangle.

But, just like that, things changed in a split second. It's the weirdest feeling in the world, to all of a sudden be stripped of every plan for the future... every image that was of us and our family years down the road... gone. It's weird how we take mental pictures of things that haven't happened yet. But I sure do have a lot of them that will never become reality.

I hate to refer to the year our daughter was born as the darkest year of my life but Matt's death overshadows everything wonderful that happened this year. I hope that 2012 brings along some good for a change but it's definitely hard to think about moving forward without Matt. I miss him with all my heart.

Now, I will go ahead and discuss the support group I attended a few nights ago. This place is so wonderful; it's called Gilda's Club. They offer childcare, dinner, activities and support groups free of charge. They have a support group for those who have a lost a spouse and have children living at home. I was told of this by a couple people and was really excited about moving back here so I could start going. Of course, I cried as soon as I started telling my story. Then I just rambled about random things associated with Matt's death and the impact it's had on my life. I was the only one there that night who lost their spouse suddenly but I know there are other members who have lost theirs suddenly that weren't in attendance. Anyway, I look forward to going on a weekly basis. I think it will be a good thing for me to have a place to focus on my grief while I'm otherwise busy with the kids and school.